May 31, 2010
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We Who Wear Our Pain on Our Skin
**may be triggering**
I just got back from my mom’s house. On the drive home (which is over an hour), I thought about my life, past and present. A little bit of the future.
You see, my life has been a large ball of bad memories, bad experiences, with a few good things thrown in. I never knew how to deal with it. Sometimes, writing was an outlet. That wasn’t enough. Sometime after I graduated high school, I started cutting.
I’ve blogged about cutting before, but this is just part of what was on my mind driving home.
I cut on my thighs. Places people wouldn’t see. At first, I was scared to do it. I would sit for a long time, twirling the blade in my fingers. When I would finally get the courage to do it, I dragged it across my skin fast, and never very deep. I would watch the blood bubble up with a sick but excited feeling in my stomach. Injuries and blood normally make me almost throw up, but not when I do it to myself. I don’t know if I can describe the feelings that came to me.
It was like everything bad fell away, and so did the world. In that moment, it was just me, a blade, and my blood. Nothing else mattered and no harm could come to me in these private times. My skin would feel tingly all over my body and I felt alive, with no hurt. It didn’t hurt because I didn’t want it to.
It hurt afterwards, the next day. When I took a shower, the raw skin screamed at me. The jeans I wore rubbed against those cuts, and I loved that feeling. I loved the way it hurt. I guess those who have been hurt so much learn to love it, because we know nothing else. We don’t know what being loved feels like.
As time went on, I began to feel numb about everything that had happened to me, instead of being hurt all the time. I felt nothing, like I was in a void of blackness and every feeling I had ever had was stripped from my being.
At this time, I started cutting deeper, because now I wanted it to hurt. I wanted to be able to feel something, because the numbness scared me in a way that nothing else had before. It hurt because I wanted it to. Sometimes I would wake from the walking coma and I was afraid. I was afraid that I was crazy, and that I should be locked up.
I wouldn’t wait for the new cuts to heal before I made new ones. The cutting was what I needed it to be that day. If I wanted to numb my emotional pain, it would do that. If I wanted to feel something, it would do that too.
For awhile, I cut my wrist and wore bracelets, the black and pink rubber ones you can buy at Hot Topic. I cut there because it bled more. One time, I cut too deep and it wouldn’t stop bleeding. I panicked and didn’t know what to do. I know now that I wouldn’t have died from that one cut, but at the time that’s exactly what I thought. I did not want to die.
That’s the thing that’s most misunderstood about cutting. Most of us are not suicidal. If we were, we know how to do it and we would. This is self-medication. It’s the only way we can think of to help us survive.
I would like to say that I learned my lesson and didn’t cut anymore, at least not my wrist. But I would be lying. After a time though, I stopped cutting my wrist and went back to my thigh. And after a time, I did stop cutting. I think it’s because I’m better emotionally. But the thing is, I fear that it’s all pretend. It’s all fake. I’m not better, and I’m only fooling myself.
Every once in a while, I get in such a state that I do cut. I have reserve blades for those times. The other night when I made that post, I cut a lot. I counted 31 fresh cuts on my leg. We aren’t all perfect.
There is a new lady that works for the dining service in the cafeteria at work. A coworker told me the next time I see her that I should look at her arms. Her scars are really bad. There’s one I saw that was about 3 inches long or so and very raised, so she must have cut very deep and possibly had to get stitches. I guess I’m thankful that mine on my wrist aren’t that noticeable unless you’re staring.
All 3 of my sisters have cut at some point. My youngest sister still does. I look at the healing scars on her arm and wonder. I want to ask her how she feels when she does it, what she thinks about. I know it’s because of my mother and how she treats her. I never ask. I think I’ve closed myself off too much that it’s too hard to talk about with her.
It’s something that’s not talked about at all. My sister’s scars and healing skin are seen, but not mentioned. When I wear sleeping shorts and my scars and newly healing skin are seen, it’s not mentioned. My mother says nothing. My step dad says nothing. I say nothing. My sister says nothing.
We are the ones that wear our pain on our skin.
Comments (26)
I am a cutter too. well ex-cutter… but the weird thing about me is that i cut on places very visible to the naked eye. if you see on some of my photos… i got scars on both my wrists.. arms… neck… face… stomach.. thighs… legs… even my toes… i cut everywhere.. savoring the different level of pain in each area. i did this for about a year.. i’ve finally stopped.. with much help from yoga.
i hv to admit that i do have urges to cut again… but now.. whenever i need the rush… i get a tattoo… or i fo get something pierced. scars on our body only reminds us that our past in real. it reminds people around us that we are humans too. . that we feel pain…
i’m a cutter. no one but my boyfriend and doctors know. i wish i could be more open about it.
I just can’t fathom this but I am so sorry that you have to go through this kind of pain. I wish you love darlin in the days and months and years to come, a good kind of love that will heal your hurt.
I can relate, you have an amazing way of explaining what cutting is all about. Im so sorry you’ve been hurting so much.
Inner pain shows itself in many ways, cutting is just one of them. I think it makes a brave person to write about it(And a strong one at that). Healing takes time and it looks like you are.
I identify with this entire entry. I know what you mean when you say you’re better, but you fear it’s fake. I often feel the same way. Because when I completely lose it and don’t know what else to do, I still go back to cutting. <3 I’m glad you wrote this.
I used to be a cutter. Although only my boyfriend and a few of my friends know. I’ve never told my parents and never will. I know what my mom thinks of people who cut and I can’t explain it to her. My mom is a nice person, but sometimes when she thinks something you can’t change her mind.
I’ve never talked about cutting on here. I don’t like thinking about my past because it hurts and I don’t like hurting anymore. I like my life now, and how I feel now. I never want to go back to how I felt in my teenage years. I haven’t cut in years and I don’t have any desire to cut either. Now whenever I do feel stressed, or upset, writing is my outlet.
I hope that one day you will be able to stop cutting completely too.
I’ve always been self-destructive as well… until I was put on anti-depressants, I had never used a knife before. I’ve hit myself, scratched myself, burned myself, and cut myself. There are different reasons behind almost every scar. I, also, cut where it was hidden – on my side, safely tucked behind clothing. Only once did I try to cut my wrists – I’m still not sure I was really trying to kill myself. But since then, I’ve gone off my meds. I only hope I’m getting better.
You have a good voice, a good way of explaining that which most of us never try. Writing is always a good outlet for me when I’m upset or hurt; I hope it works as well for you. People who have never been there can’t understand what we feel or our reasoning behind what we do. But I hope you find someone who will understand and help you find an outlet for your pain, other than cutting.
this hit home. you’re so right. nowadays, i sometimes cut myself when i get angry with myself (used to cut)…it’s a terrible way to deal with stress, emotions, whatever, but sometimes the impulse is too much and you just have to do it. but you can’t. you can’t. there has to be another way.
I identify with this entire entry
I am so sorry about all of the horrible pain you had to go through then and now. I hope you can surround yourself with positive people and help so you do not have to be in pain anymore.
I’m sorry that you’ve been so hurt.
I used to cut… Or, I’m still trying to stop, I’ve been clean for about a month now, and every now and then I’ll feel the same old urge… I still kinda dig at myself with my fingernails though… ♥ It was actually you that inspired me to come clean with Xanga, well, in a roundabout way… I admire your strength.
wow people post pictures and I thought those were triggereing but the way you describe it is exactly how it feels. You were right definatly triggering.
I believe that we all have some way to rid ourselves of pain. Some cut. Some self-medicate. Some over-eat. The list goes on. My heart goes out to you.
I love this post, especially because it is not a self-pitying rant, but a
clear and honest explanation. I’m an ex-cutter, but I clearly remember
the…there’s no word to describe it…joy? ecstasy? relief? that
cutting brought me. I only stopped because of the bad stigmas. My worst
place was my thigh too – our stories are so similar! – I also once cut
too deep, not intending too. It wasn’t bad, but bled so much more…even
though I was scared, it made me feel so amazing. It’s like I’m a
balloon full of anger and bad thoughts/memories and when I cut, it was
popping that balloon, and the sweet drip of relief would pour out as
proof.
When I wear shorts or a bathing suit, the scars are very obvious. But no
one asks, because it’s clear where I got them.
i understand. and there are a lot of unfair stereotypes about cutting, that it’s done for attention or that it’s people too wimpy for suicide. it’s not true, like anything, people have multiple reasons for doing it.
I used to cut, but it didn’t hurt enough for me to be happy, so a few years ago I switched over to burning my skin. I never tell anyone about it because it’s not their business and I don’t feel like I’m really “wrong,” but when I burn I get into that void where you can’t… see beyond it, so I’m not always careful and occasionally I have burned my arms in more visible places… and it really sucks, because these scars last for YEARS and I find them really embarrassing and I don’t always remember to cover them and I always have to lie about being a clumsy cook, or I blame my cats.
I relate to this a lot. If you ever need someone to talk to, message me any time.
This quote, ” I loved the way it hurt. I guess those who have been hurt so much learn
to love it, because we know nothing else. We don’t know what being
loved feels like” sounds so much like me and the way I felt when I used to cut. I no longer cut, but your explanation regarding loving hurt is still very much on the money for how I feel about feeling pain in my life – physical and mental. You just told me why I tend to push people away when they try to show me care, compassion. concern, and love. Thank you.
This was a great post explaining cutting and why some people cut. I’m sorry that cutting isn’t spoken about in your family even though you and your sisters all cut/have cut. Just curious, what do you think would happen if you spoke to your sisters about their cuts and your cuts?
I cut for years and years, but finally stopped. Everything you said hit home, you have a wonderful way of expressing yourself.
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I’m an ex-cutter and let me tell you what – it’s a raging war every single day to deal with my emotions; the struggles of everday life. You never really forget it – it just dies down, and the urge can strike anytime…anywhere.
It’s been a long, hard fought battle…and it still is, but amazingly enough, it’s all made me stronger in the end..
I havent cut for 5 years now and I can tell you its totally possible to not do it aymore and rarely think about it again. Its crazy how it happened too. Like you said, cutting is misunderstood as wanting to kill yourself. Well one day I decided the cutting wasnt enough and I really just wanted to go. I OD’d and slit my neck that day..that was the last time I ever layed a scar on myself. And sure, afterwords when I woke up I was angry as hell I wasnt dead. But I think, for me at least, hitting bottom snapped something in me and basically said “If you live through this, the pain has to stop, you have to make it stop and you have to love yourself. Cause clearly no one else can do that for you. If you wake up you have to be strong as fuck and find a way to move on and better yourself.” And since then I really have. I cant say I never though about it again. But there was only one time in the whole 5 years I have not cut where I went for the blade…but the I got extremely sick. It was as if my mind brainwashed me to not do it anymore. Thinking back on all the shit I did before..it seriously just feels like a nightmare and I can barely believe it happened. I am not saved and I am still fucked up in my own little way because I always have been. But I try to keep I balance now. I try to love my strange self and not rely on others to love me.
Also, one thing I find interesting is we all seem to have our own reason for cutting. Your’s is kinda different then mine. I felt that by cutting, I would bleed out the things I hated about myself. Very deep inside myself I thought it was my fault that my mother was a sucidal alcoholic. Sometimes I’d get a high off of it like some people but it was mostly my delusional thoughts making me believe I was always the problem and I truely believed that everyone I’ve met or will ever meet will hate me just because I am me.
I hope someday you’ll feel what I felt that day and you wont have such an needing urge to do it. Dont try to do it for anyone else, that never works. Find the love within yourself, its the best thing you can do whether you are a cutter or not.
I have lots of tattoos, I have gone back to the pain of tattoos many times. What’s the difference between cutting and tattoos? Other than having a cool tatt instead of just a scar and the fact that it costs to get tattoos and not to cut self- absolutely nothing. excess is excess, pain is pain. There are tons of things I could tell you about the personal pains I’ve had. I am a recovering alcoholic and addict- I quit those things and dealt with my pain without presenting a harmful solution. It’s not easy Manic but it’s possible. stay not cutting yourself you and find something else to do with your pain. I don’t know you but I got love for you because you’re honest and we do wear our own pain, underneath our skin.
i used to cut myself too. my parents saw and freaked out, made me go through counseling and on antidepressants. counseling wasn’t my thing but i stayed on the pills for two years. i’ve been off them for almost two years now and haven’t cut since. i just remember how ashamed i was of my scars and how they would take so long to heal and disappear. how i was always conscious of them and had to hide them. cutting was a quick fix for me; for one quick moment i felt free, but the scars and shame that followed after made me realize it wasn’t worth it.
i wish you the best.
I can relate to this entry a lot. I’ve never been a cutter, but I’ve always had the urge to do it. When it first started it was because I wanted people to know I was in pain without having to tell them. I starved myself for the same reason.