I've decided I want to repost this from back in November...because I love it so much!!! {fiction =]}

You told me you loved me and held me and fucked me. You spread your lies like your seed. All those days and nights you smiled and told me pretty words I believed. Every time I think of you now I ball my fist and the hate radiates from me until all I can see is red. It wasn't enough. It was never enough.

You failed me when I needed you. You didn't come when I called. You were in bed fucking a beautiful red-headed stranger and drinking her honey like it was mine. I smelled her when I walked into the house and you claimed it was my smell. I don't smell like that.

I know I don't smell like that and when I found a long red hair you started yelling at me to get the fuck out of your house and I hated you in that moment when I felt my heart cracking in my chest but you didn't care and you just threw my things on the lawn like I was yesterdays trash.

My tears meant nothing to you because I now know you lied to me with pretty words and a smile and now my fucking hand is cut in two because you missed my heart.

I have. I no longer have entertaining stories to tell. I have nothing exciting to share. I don't have much fiction to write. I'm boring. I've lost it.

Will I ever find it again?

*This is a work of fiction. I had a dream last night...from whence this came...*

She just got out of the shower, her hair wet. She was wearing a white and purple bra with matching panties. She toweled her hair and looked out the window, and saw the man. Wearing a black hoodie and a dog at his side. He was right outside the window, staring in at her. The front door was wide open.

"You're mine, girl," she heard before he ran out of her sight, towards the door. She screamed and ran the other way. She ran through the kitchen and out the back door. She ran towards the woods. Her bare feet felt the grass and her heart thrummed inside her head. She didn't know where he was. She didn't look behind her. All she could hear was her heart. All she could feel was terror.

As she ran in the woods her feet got torn, scraped and bloody. She just kept running. Never stop, her mind and body screamed at her. She never knew what hit her. His body slammed into hers when he tackled her in the woods. Her face smacked the ground and she was stunned. He beat at her with his fists, one after the other. So fast. She couldn't keep up with what he was doing. She floated above herself.

She saw him beat her. Blood and bruises and dirt all over her. She saw him rape her, violently shoving himself into her. He choked her. She couldn't feel any of it.

She finally slammed back into herself when she knew he was gone. She slowly rolled onto her side. She saw a neighbor's pool, glimmering blue. From her angle it looked like a couple of trees grew from the water. She rolled onto her stomach. She grabbed a fistful of dirt. Pulled herself forward an inch. Another handful. Another inch. She cried, face down in the dirt.

'So this is where I die,' she thought, just before she left herself for good.

Is it when their touch both electrifies you and calms you all at once?
Is it when you wonder what they'll think about something, no matter what it is?
Is it when you crave their closeness?
Is it when that person is constantly on your mind?
Is it when you can't wait until the next moment you see or talk to them?
When all you want to hide the worst parts of yourself in the hopes they fall in love with the good pieces?
When you want to share the worst parts at the same time so the person knows what they're getting into?
Is it when all you want to do is talk to them and know everything about them?

What's falling in love feel like?
Is it out of control?
How do I keep myself from breaking when I finally land?
How do I ask the questions that need to be asked?

How do I stop this?

I just saw Alice in Wonderland in 3D....frickin awesome!!! We got there a little late, so we had to sit in the second row....it would have been nice to sit a little back, but it's okay. I think I'm going to buy it when it comes out....and buy the soundtrack....it was good. I loved the Red Queen, she was awesome. The White Queen was odd...she always held her arms up at like a 90 degree angle. The Hair was hilarious....you've gotta see it =]

Also, Friday night me and my sister saw It's Complicated....frickin awesome too!!! "Do you poke smot?" LMAO!!!! I would highly recommend seeing it.

SO much work to do!! The last 2 days I've worked 11 1/2 hours both days. I feel exhausted. I will be working Saturday too....just thinking about the money...money...paying debts...money... :/

Of course, I'm talking about American Idol. I have way more favorites with the girls than the guys. The girls kill it, the guys, not so much...in my opinion.

Anyway, I'm am so tired, worked a lot of hours today...so I gotta get to bed...goodnight all!

I feel like such an idiot. Why do I almost feel like crying over this? I can't even describe how it makes me feel that he thinks I would hurt someone. Like I want to rip my insides out. Maybe he's joking. I don't know, but I feel sick to my stomach.

So, here's kind of what's been going on (besides rough sex being on my mind, lol!).

If you'll remember a while back, the issue of stealing posts came up again and I wrote a post that got a bit of attention. A member of the XangaTeam sent me a message, assuring me that plagiarism is very important to xanga and that my allegations were very serious. Basically, the xanga team member was blowing smoke up my ass because the issue had come up in the past, and this was still going on.

Needless to say, I became disgusted with the xanga team and xanga as a website. It pretty much turned me so off I was on xanga less than once a week. I still love my fellow xangans like a fat kid loves cake, so worry not my friends. I was just very frustrated.

Also, I've been working crazy hours still. Today I ate lunch while I was working. It seems to be a normal trend lately :/ I am so busy it's insane. GAH.

Anyway, I hope to be around more these days, but we'll see what happens.

To me, there's nothing better. Nothing turns me on more than rough sex.

I'll throw my legs around your waist and you can slam me against the wall...you can hold me down until I can barely breathe and I won't get more excited than in that moment....bite me and I'm yours. I'll be your submissive to your dominance and please make it hurt. There's nothing better than that. There just isn't. Pull on my hair a little bit and make me gasp with pleasure. Do I really have to describe it in so many ways?

Give me rough sex, and I'm yours.