Give me something heartfelt to read.
(You say you are cold hearted)
Give me your bones.
(You say your bones are hollow)
Make me laugh.
(You say you can't remember what that is)
Make me cry.
(You say you have no more tears)
I want to live vicariously through you.
(You say there's nothing left)
I say I'll wait.
(You say there's nothing worth fighting for here)
Alright, anyone who's been around my page lately knows that I am working insane crazy hours. Yesterday, I worked almost 10 hours. I would have worked more because I still had work to do, but I had to be somewhere by 5 to pay a bill. Anyway, now I'm buried. I'll probably work at least 12 hours today to catch up.
I learned about an hour ago that they plan on adding more work to my plate.
WHAT?! Are they crazy?? Apparently managment has no idea how much I have on my plate and how much time it takes to complete my tasks. Well, I guess when I'm working 70 hours or more a week instead of 50-60 they'll see. Maybe, maybe not. Who knows what's going on in their heads. Maybe they don't even care about my hair falling out. Maybe if I wasn't such a good worker I wouldn't get all this shit layed on me. What if I was mediocre? UGH. Thank God I get paid for my overtime. My co workers are salary, and they don't.
Sorry to talk about work all the time, but at this point it's pretty much taking over my life. Another UGH. Well, maybe I'll see everyone after work....
FUCK YOU.
So you want to rule Xanga by putting rules in place? You want to be a xangalebrity? Well, good luck with that. I hope you plan on spending all of your free time in front of the monitor, because that's what it takes. You can talk about "The Rules" and what it takes to be in Top Blogs and stay there all you want, but unless you are willing to dedicate the time, you aren't going anywhere. Why do you want it anyway?
So you get your big post and it's successful. Maybe you get another one after that. And then unless you go and frequently visit everyone who is now your new friend, you are going to lose it. It's a slow process, and there is no "get rich quick" way to sustain your xangalebrity status.
At this point, xanga can have its drama. I'm getting sick of a lot of it, especially the manufactured bullshit. Sometimes people are genuinely angry at someone else, that's fine. But starting shit for no reason is getting old.
I'm sick of having to babysit some of these friendships because I don't have the time to read the blogs of over 500 people. If you want to base our internet friendships on that, I don't need you. After I work 60 hours a week, all I want to do is come home, relax, and read a few blogs... without losing any "friends" because I didn't see their blog for the day or the last week or two. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy reading your posts. I simply don't have the time. When I work 6:30 in the morning until 6 or 6:30 at night, I don't get home until after 7 at night. Then I go to bed at 9 or 10. That doesn't leave a lot of time to read blogs, especially if I do other things with those couple of hours. I especially won't see it if you write your posts in the mornings and don't timestamp.
I'm thinking about talking a break from Xanga. I can't take it anymore. I have enough stress at my new job. My hair is falling out because I'm so stressed. I've been losing more hair than I should be a day. I used to be able to wash my hair and only a few strands come out. Now I wash my hair and about 30 come out.
So you can keep your xanga rules. Do what you wish with them.
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
Don't even try to tell me that the new iMac isn't the most beautiful machine ever. I want one so bad. SIGH. DROOL. SIGH AGAIN.
If you try and tell me you don't want one because you are a foolish PC lover, you are lying to yourself. And me. Don't lie to me, because that machine is love. Just look at it!!!!!! Just $1200 for the 21.5". I. Want. It.
Wicker Park has the best soundtrack ever, I swear. I'm going to buy it. Anyone who tries to stop me gets a shankin 
Anyway, I worked a little over 56 hours this week, so my check should be about $600 or more, for one week. Work was tough this week. I went in today and worked 5 hours. =]
I bought the Wicker Park soundtrack on Amazon, haha.
Annnd now I have to go visit people. If you see my footprints, do not be afraid 
I'm sorry I haven't been around, I have been so swamped at work. I worked 12 hours today, and I even ate my lunch while I was working. It was just crazy. Tomorrow I'm going to work really late too because I don't want to have to go in on Saturday.
I was hoping to get to visiting everyone's site who commented my Dan post, but I will have to wait until Saturday, I just don't have time. I just want to relax right now, because work is just too stressful. My new co workers tell me I bring some much needed entertainment to the group. Seriously, if we didn't laugh every once in a while, we would go crazy!
You wanna hear a funny story? Towards the end of the night, when I had been there for a little over 11 hours, I had to put a new email address into my address book for a new contact. I had two new people I had to add, and they work for the same company. You know what I did? I put in their first and last names and the company they work for....... but I forgot to put their email addresses in!!! So I tried to send them an email, and of course a Delivery Failure email popped up right away, because there wasn't an email address in their contact info!!! Haha we had a good laugh about that one. That's how crazy of a day it was, lmao =]
Just once, Dan, I would like to beat you in Top Blogs, fair and square. Just to say that I could, that I did. Someday, I will. I don't expect it to be today of course, but one day.... just... one day. Is it too much to ask? Well, I didn't think so.
Okay, that is all.
Well, let me start at the beginning. That's a good place to start, yes?
Well, I've had a pretty tough life growing up (don't we all??). I've been molested and abused in different ways. In high school, I never had a boyfriend. Senior year is when I thought I might be bisexual. I had a best friend, T. I developed a crush on her and I fantasized about her (TMI? Too bad). Being the immature teenager I was, I wrote her a note that told her I had a crush on her. She was 2 years older than me, so she was already graduated. I never heard from her again. I tried calling once, but nothing. Well, that's life.
After I graduated, I moved about 100 miles north. A few years later, on my 21st birthday, I went out with a whole bunch of friends and got hammered. I was so wasted it's amazing I didn't have alcohol poisoning. I did have a hell of a headache. Anyway, the last bar we went to, a couple of women that were friends with a friend I was with stopped by our table. One of them hugged my friend, and I slobbered, "How come I don't get a hug?" And this woman said "Should I be scared?"
A few weeks later, I discovered this woman's name. S. We were going out for drinks with a couple other friends. We talked a little bit, but not much. When I first meet new people, I'm really shy. Unless I'm really drunk, haha. I discovered she was a lesbian. She was attractive. Anyway, the next weekend, we planned a ladies night out. I got buzzed. To this day, I don't remember what made me do it. Everyone else was dancing, but I can't dance, so S and I were sitting at the table. I kissed her, and said "I'll be right back." Where was I going, you ask? Well, I really had to pee! S looked really startled.
When I got back to the table, S says, "You know you just kissed me, right?" I slurred yes. Then she started kissing me. I admitted that I had never kissed before. She thought for sure that I was lying, but I wasn't. Apparently, I'm a damn good kisser! She started fondling me, and it got out of control. Hehe. We were asked to calm down a little bit. We did. She made the proclamation that I would be going home with her that night. Well, S was wrong, because I didn't. Hey, I'm not that kind of a girl!
I asked her out on a date. We went out and talked. I told her a little about my childhood and that I had reservations about being in a relationship. She said we would go as fast or slow as I was comfortable with. That's what they all say, right? Anyway, I still didn't sleep with her. Back in those days, there was a group of us that went out drinking every single weekend. When I was with S, I hardly ever had to pay for my drinks because S paid for mine. One of the times we all went out was the first time we had sex.
Everyone else was sleeping and she had made a pizza. We were watching TV and eating pizza when she pretty much attacked me, haha. She started kissing me and my pants went missing. We ended up going down to her room, and I won't give any details, except to say that I learned my weakness in bed is being bitten on my chest. If that's done to me, it's pretty much an orgasm in and of itself. And apparently I'm also good in bed 
What bothered me was how much S flirted with other people. She told me that that's how she is, and she was never going to change. We had sex one more time, and then everything got messed up. You see, S didn't have "relationships." She went on dates and had sex. She pretty much made this clear to me and I thought I would be okay with the whole casual dating thing. Then it was her birthday and she was taking one of our mutual friends as a date. I was jealous and upset.
That night was the first time I ever tried tequila. I had a whole bunch of drinks, beer, and shots of tequila. I pretty much was obliterated. Blitzed, hammered. I thought I was okay to drive home, which I planned on doing. I didn't want to sleep in the same house as S and know that she was more than likely having sex with someone else. I hadn't known that I would be such a jealous person. I couldn't help it. Of course, my keys were taken from me, and I started to have a panic attack. Normally I can calm down when I have one and just breathe. So of course, I lost control of myself. I was also sobbing. I have since learned that Crystal and tequila DO NOT mix.
Anyway, our relationship was pretty much over after that. We went out for a few more weeks, but then it was over. I know you're probably thinking about what a bitch S is, but part of what happened between us was my fault. I should have told her that I wasn't so comfortable with casual dating. Yes, she did mistreat me a bit. She has since apologized and told me how bad she feels and that she mishandled the situation. She should have been more careful with me, considering that I had never even been in a relationship before, much less with another woman.
I have no negative feelings towards her. The experiences I had with her taught me some great lessons. I am not at all comfortable with casual dating. If you're with somebody, you are with that person and that's it. Also, it made me stronger. I won't put up with someone treating me that way again. I also have to be more vocal with boundaries, because I wasn't clear. I still talk to her once in awhile.
She has quit drinking, and she has a wonderful fiance, whom I've met. They've been together for over a year now, and her new partner has 2 wonderful young daughters. Part of the reason I have no bad feelings towards her is because she's settled down now and she's not at all the same person I remember. I'm happy for her.
So, that's the story about my ex. Parts of the experience were bad, but I've learned from them, and I can only move forward.
I have my cousin's bday party to go to today (he's 4!! Time goes so fast.), but maybe tonight I'll write about my ex girlfriend. It's a messed up story.
