Sorry about the absense folks, I was spending some fam time these last few days!!

On Thursday I had 2 Thanksgiving dinners! The first place I went to was my grandma’s on my dad’s side. The whole family was there! My grandma and grandpa, my dad and sister, uncle #1 with his wife and kids, uncle #2 with his wife and kids, and my aunt with her husband and kid. We got there at about noon…It was a pretty decent time. Some drama went down though… My cousin turns 20 in about a week, she lives with her boyfriend she’s had since the summer, and she’s pregnant. Oh em gee. I don’t think it’s a good thing because for one thing, her boyfriend looks like he’s on drugs and he looks like the kind of guy that will leave her. After her and her boyfriend left, everyone sat talking about it for a while. The entire family isn’t happy about it. I mean, we don’t think she’s thinking this through. It’s expensive having a baby!! Plus her boyfriend looks pretty skeezy….she’s going to end up a single young mother, and I think she’s better than that. Anyway, we left a little after 4.

The second place I went to was my grandpa’s house on my mom’s side. I got there about 5:30. I met my sister’s new boyfriend, he seems decent. There wasn’t much drama here, surprisingly. There was A LOT of food left over!! I saw one of my twin cousins I never get to see and his girlfriend. It was the first time I had seen my grandpa in 4 years, and the first time I had seen his wife in about 10 years or so. They had been living in New York (not City), and they just moved back not that long ago. I ate WAY too much on Thursday…I felt like I was going to burst! It’s family tradition that we play Pictionary, and my aunt brought a new game, Catch Phrase. Fun!!!

Then Friday I got my Christmas shopping done. I might buy some extra odds and ends here and there, but for the most part, I’m done!! Woohoo. I love Bath and Body Works…they had the buy 3 get 3.

Saturday I went to my grandma’s on my mom’s side. Not a lot of drama…just a little bit. Like an idiot, I went out to see the horses even though I know I’m allergic =[ My eyes got itchy and my nose started getting stuffy. I didn’t touch my eyes, even though I wanted to rub them SO badly. Then Saturday night my sister spent the night at my house and she spent most of yesterday with me. I met with my step dad last night and I dropped my sister off.

And now here I am, working second shift again. For this week. After this week, the next 2 weeks I work a split shift. Then for Christmas I have 11 days off then when we come back in January, I will be working first shift again for good! Whew it’s all messed up. I hope everyone’s Thanksgiving went well!!! (And I hope no one ate as much as I did!!!!)

Things that I am thankful for.

-Being out of the house I was in. Truly thankful.
-Having a family that loves me and supports me.
-Having a good, stable job and getting a promotion.
-Having such a beautiful home to live in (that doesn’t smell like cat and dog piss and shit).
-Some really awesome friends that are always there for me.
-Feeling safe in my environment.
-Having a wonderful boss.
-Having great co workers that make me laugh.
-Last but certainly not least, Xanga. It’s hard to explain how much this site and fellow xangans mean to me, but those of you who have been here for a long time understand what I mean. Thank you so much for being here.

Today is a VERY busy day. I have to be at my uncle’s house (on my dad’s side) around noon, then anytime after 5:00 I can be at my grandpa’s house (on my mom’s side). Then if that’s not enough food, I’m going to my grandma’s house on my mom’s side (my grandparents are divorced) on Saturday. So I’ll blog for as long as I can before I have to get ready for the day!!

Do you ever get so tired you want to take a nap and just sleep forever? Yeah, I kinda feel like that all the time.

It’s almost Thanksgiving. I have 3 Thanksgiving dinners I have to go to. Omg I’m going to gain like 10 pounds this week.

Anyway, I might not be around much tonight, I’m super tired =[

I watched The Quiet and cross stitched the other day. The Quiet is a great movie, I would recommend renting it sometime. It’s about a deaf girl who’s father dies, and she goes to live with people who had been friends with her mother, who died when she was 7. The movie has quite a bit of guilt associated with several of the characters, and it got me thinking.

Everyone has a guilt about something. Something they shouldn’t have done, or something they should have done but didn’t. Something dark and something they have a hard time even admitting to themselves.

When I was a kid, I was pretty oblivious, as most children are. One of my sisters got taken out of her mother’s house by social services because of violence in the home. She went into foster care. I was about 10 at the time, and she was 5.

My dad got weekend visits with my sister. At some point, she started throwing fits. Whenever she had to go back to the foster home, actually. She would scream and kick the seats in the car and cry. My dad had a hard time getting her out of the car to go back into the foster home. My father got custody of my sister, and the fits continued. They stopped some time after she was living with us.

Being a child myself, I was jealous when she came to live with us. For a long time, it had been just me and my father. We were very close, and we did everything together. I was angry when my sister came.

When she threw her fits, I would egg her on and laugh at her, out of my jealousy. Sometimes I think I even caused her to go off.

What I failed to realize was that she threw these fits at night most of the time.

What I failed to realize was that she hated being touched.

What I failed to realize was that she had been molested while she was in foster care.

She never actually told me, but she’s made a couple of comments that leads me to believe this is what happened.

I feel the worst guilt for treating her the way I did. What did I know, I was just a kid, right? That doesn’t matter. I still shouldn’t have acted that way. This guilt has stayed with me and it haunts me. I’ve never said I’m sorry, because I don’t know how. How do you correct something so wrong? It’s the worst feeling. How do you even begin? Guilt is a quiet enemy that eats at your soul.

You told me you loved me and held me and fucked me. You spread your lies like your seed. All those days and nights you smiled and told me pretty words I believed. Every time I think of you now I ball my fist and the hate radiates from me until all I can see is red. It wasn’t enough. It was never enough.

You failed me when I needed you. You didn’t come when I called. You were in bed fucking a beautiful red-headed stranger and drinking her honey like it was mine. I smelled her when I walked into the house and you claimed it was my smell. I don’t smell like that.

I know I don’t smell like that and when I found a long red hair you started yelling at me to get the fuck out of your house and I hated you in that moment when I felt my heart cracking in my chest but you didn’t care and you just threw my things on the lawn like I was yesterdays trash.

My tears meant nothing to you because I now know you lied to me with pretty words and a smile and now my fucking hand is cut in two because you missed my heart.



(this is a work of fiction

I write love songs on napkins
Sad songs on my arms

I write beautiful words of sorrow
They wrap their melodies around me

The hypocrites whisper sinner
While the saints preach

I see her standing there
I write about her sad eyes

I see versions of myself
In everyone I pass

I hide in my shell
I throw my words away

——-

I barely write anymore. I am too afraid of rejection. I don’t write my stories, my novels. I’m afraid of my dreams. Am I not good enough? I don’t think I am.

A little drunkard. Haha.

It was fun tonight. I drank a lot of wine. But I don’t want to go to bed…I’ll try and catch up on some posts…whatever I missed the last couple days =]

Seriously, how can people NOT wear underwear?? Jeans rubbing on your crotch all the time is NOT comfortable.

Anyway, sorry I haven’t been around lately, and I won’t be around tonight. We’re having a housewarming party and I’ve been cleaning, helping cook, running errands….hopefully I won’t have a hangover tomorrow. Well, bye for tonight xangaland, love ya.

Okay…where to begin?! If you are at all familiar with Minnesota, you’ve heard of Cities 97, a radio station. To give an example of what kind of music they play, here are some names: Kings of Leon, Colbie Calliat, Snow Patrol, Damien Rice, Jason Mraz, Ingrid Michaelson, Adele, Charlotte Sometimes…..the list goes on. I guess I would say it’s the softer side of alternative music. You can stream the feed live anytime on the internet.

Anyway, they have a recording studio, that’s called Studio C. Most of the time when an artist comes through on tour, they visit the studio and record special acoustic Studio C performances, the DJ interviews and such in front of a small live audience…I think it’s about 15 people.

Also, every Sunday, they have Acoustic Sunrise from about 7:30am to noon, and Acoustic Sunset from 5:00pm to 9. They play previously released acoustic songs from Studio C. The great thing about this is that it’s PERFECT hangover music. So if you drink too much Saturday night, you can listen to Cities 97 and the music is nice and soft for your hurting head =] Of course, if you have the CDs, you don’t have to worry about catching Acoustic Sunrise or Sunset.

Every year, they release the Cities 97 CD Sampler, which features some of these performances throughout the year. Last year was their 20th anniversary of doing this. They make a limited number of copies of this CD, this year is was 30,000. They are sold exclusively at Target stores in the metro area. For the last several years, the CD sells out quickly, and people wait in line for hours before the store opens to get their copy. Everyone is allowed 2 copies, no more. The great thing about this, is that the radio station gives ALL profits to local Minnesota charities. This year they raised over $700,000.

Anyway, here is my story about it.

I got to Target at 7:00am. They open at 8. I would have been there earlier like I was last year (I was there at about 5:30), except I didn’t hear my alarms go off. So I wait in line for an hour, and of course I’m further back than I was last year, but I’m not worried. The line grows. At 8:00, the line started moving. Yay! So I’m in the store, and there’s 5 people ahead of me in the line. I hear, “That’s the last one!” O.M.G. 5 people ahead of me. And the last one. I didn’t get one!! I took 3 hours off work to get this CD, and it’s for nothing. The lady in front of me said a lot of people were butting in line. That pissed me off. That means I SHOULD have gotten my copy. I of course don’t have time to go to another Target, because the one I was at SOLD OUT IN 3 MINUTES.

I was mad. Of course, people sell one or both of their copies on eBay for 2 and 3 times the original price because it’s so high in demand. But do I really want to pay $60-80 for a CD? GAH.

Then, I had forgotten my steel toed shoes at home, so I had to go all the way there and back and I just made it into work on time. All that time, and I walk away empty handed. :/

Serisouly, don’t watch this video if you plan on eating soon. Don’t watch this video if you’ve just eaten something. Do not watch this video if you have a weak stomach for the disgusting.