Lately I've been all about watching TV on the internet. Well, really, it's the only way I can catch my favorite shows since I work second shift. FOX has, by FAR, the best online video quality. By a clear mile. Really. It's a good thing most of my shows are on FOX, such as House, Bones, Lie To Me, Hell's Kitchen, Fringe (LOVE that show), Dollhouse. Yes, I watch Dollhouse. I know it didn't get good reviews when it first started, but I think it's quite interesting. And I love Eliza Dushku. She's bomb.

NBC's video quality is mediocre, CBS's is only good when you watch it on the small screen and the CW's is horrendous. FOX rocks my socks.

Other than that, work = stress. I worked 53 hours last week. Or 52. One of those. Last week we changed the system that we work on and every single job that we do here got at least 4X harder. No joke. There's more steps to EVERYTHING. During training, everyone was saying that it'll be easier and blah blah. They forgot to mention it's only easier for accounting. Whatever. We do material handling, not accounting. Plus, they hadn't really thought everything out and worked it out so a lot of things didn't crossover from our old system. It's been a nightmare that hasn't ended yet.

I cut my hair. It's spike short in the back and about chin length in the front. Pretty awesome. I should take some new pics =P

I made a new theme =]

I love it.

I hope you love it too.

I know you do.

It reminds me of happy things everytime I look at it =]

And I'm so happy my room mates DO think I'm so awesome I shit gold stars =P

Very good show, btw...

Anyways, I used to have an obsession with icons. Seriously. I would spend hours just looking through Xangans with the same obsession and collect them in my photobucket. I believe I have a couple thousand.

I'm at it again.

Maybe I should start my own XangIcon site.

But first, I'll be switching up my theme...

please tell me how to make myself disappear.

i am nothing.

sometimes i think it's all lies. they say everything will get better someday. they do. but faster do they get bad and worse again. nothing matters sometimes. sometimes the lie is worth chasing. not today.

every day it's something different
every day is a new chance to cry
wounded birds can't fly
broken wings grounded
fresh tears on a fresh face
it's a new dance
it's the same song
feathers fall
eagles cry
what's left of the ragged flight
ugly bones snap under pressure
she left her broken wing in the grass
what's left of the pieces
tears fall for the last time

I punish myself with slashes and gashes.

I cried at work today.

I almost had a break down today.

I punish myself with no food.

I am hopeless.

Droplets of blood suspended in time on a sock.

Scars that itch.

It's all out of control.

When I was little, we often could not afford to get a lot of groceries. I know we got food stamps, but I'm pretty sure they were sold for drug money, if you can do such a thing. I was so thin you could see my ribs, my legs were sticks and my arms were almost non existent. I was bones. Until about the age of 10...when I started gaining weight, because we could buy groceries. There was no more drug use from my parent.

I gained too much weight. I was active, riding bikes miles and everywhere with my friends. But it didn't make a difference.

My weight has always fluctuated. My eating habits aren't the best. They never have been. Sometimes I eat one meal a day, sometimes I eat four times. Sometimes I eat fast food more than 6 times a week. Sometimes I don't eat for hours and hours at a time. There have been times I've been anorexic. When I was in high school, I wore size 11 in juniors. After high school, I got up as high as a 17. For about 4 months or so I barely ate. I lost so much weight I went down to a 13, where I currently am. I know how to eat the right way. I don't know why I don't. Small meals every couple of hours. Fruits, vegetables, some carbs, bread, pasta, water, milk...yada yada. I know. I don't do it. I don't exercise. By the time I'm done at work, I'm so exhausted physically and mentally that I can nothing but sit and read. I haven't played video games in months and I haven't been watching movies.

I don't think anorexia or bulimia is right at all.

I would never make myself vomit.

But more often than not, there's a voice in my head that whispers. Tells me not to eat today, don't eat tomorrow. The hunger pains will lessen with every passing day, it'll get easier until I don't get hungry anymore. Sometimes it's so strong that I don't eat until my stomach hurts so bad I have to get something in there. My stomach sometimes shrinks so small I can barely eat a cheeseburger and I'm full.

Why am I writing this now? I suppose it's because in the last few days, those whispers have been getting stronger and stronger. Not eating is a good way to save money in economic crunch. Last week I spent $60 on groceries. More healthy stuff than non healthy stuff. I only had a few bags that were not even full. Groceries are expensive. Am I justifying becoming anorexic? I don't know. Maybe. I know it's wrong. But I still think about it. Every day.