April 8, 2009

• Sticks and Bones. Hey Miss AnaMia

  When I was little, we often could not afford to get a lot of groceries. I know we got food stamps, but I’m pretty sure they were sold for drug money, if you can do such a thing. I was so thin you could see my ribs, my legs were sticks and my arms were almost non existent. I was bones. Until about the age of 10…when I started gaining weight, because we could buy groceries. There was no more drug use from my parent.

  I gained too much weight. I was active, riding bikes miles and everywhere with my friends. But it didn’t make a difference.

  My weight has always fluctuated. My eating habits aren’t the best. They never have been. Sometimes I eat one meal a day, sometimes I eat four times. Sometimes I eat fast food more than 6 times a week. Sometimes I don’t eat for hours and hours at a time. There have been times I’ve been anorexic. When I was in high school, I wore size 11 in juniors. After high school, I got up as high as a 17. For about 4 months or so I barely ate. I lost so much weight I went down to a 13, where I currently am. I know how to eat the right way. I don’t know why I don’t. Small meals every couple of hours. Fruits, vegetables, some carbs, bread, pasta, water, milk…yada yada. I know. I don’t do it. I don’t exercise. By the time I’m done at work, I’m so exhausted physically and mentally that I can nothing but sit and read. I haven’t played video games in months and I haven’t been watching movies.

  I don’t think anorexia or bulimia is right at all.

  I would never make myself vomit.

  But more often than not, there’s a voice in my head that whispers. Tells me not to eat today, don’t eat tomorrow. The hunger pains will lessen with every passing day, it’ll get easier until I don’t get hungry anymore. Sometimes it’s so strong that I don’t eat until my stomach hurts so bad I have to get something in there. My stomach sometimes shrinks so small I can barely eat a cheeseburger and I’m full.

  Why am I writing this now? I suppose it’s because in the last few days, those whispers have been getting stronger and stronger. Not eating is a good way to save money in economic crunch. Last week I spent $60 on groceries. More healthy stuff than non healthy stuff. I only had a few bags that were not even full. Groceries are expensive. Am I justifying becoming anorexic? I don’t know. Maybe. I know it’s wrong. But I still think about it. Every day.

  • 4:42 am
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