Why does everything have to go wrong at once? Is it the nature of the universe that bad things come in groups?

I don't understand.

Through a crack in the darkness, I can see a sliver of light. The door slowly opens a little wider, letting in more light. I huddle into the corner, trying not to make a sound. The tears have already started falling. He closes the door and enters my room. I know he's looking under my bed right now. I hope he doesn't find me. My hopes are torn away as I hear him making his way to the closet. I try and make myself disappear, I try and make myself melt into this corner I'm tightly hugging. My insides are shaking as he opens the closet door and finds me. He quickly covers my small mouth with his hand, forcing me to be quiet. He takes my small frame back to my bed, and I make myself forget.

Okay, that story will have relevance later, I promise.

I tried to attack this with facts and logic, but it's still bothering me. Mostly because weight is such a personal issue with everyone that is either underweight or overweight. It's emotional to go through, even without people being rude to you about it.

Here's my story, brutal and honest.

When I was a little girl, we were poor and couldn't afford a lot of things. Except for drugs. They always seemed to find money for drugs. Whatever. We were on food stamps. I remember going to the food shelf. Although, I was little, so I thought it was the grocery store when we went to the food shelf. I was malnourished for the first 9 years of my life. You could see my rib bones, my arms and legs were sticks. When I was 10, my dad straightened up, stoped doing drugs, and held down a job. We could afford food, and I started gaining weight. I was starving. That's not to say that I ate and ate and ate. I had control over how much I ate. I was very active during this time too. I rode bikes miles and miles with my friends. Every day in the summer we'd be riding our bikes somewhere. Somehow, I managed to gain a lot of weight. I didn't understand what was happening, and all of a sudden I was "the fat girl."

Ever since then, I have struggled with my weight. It's in my genes to be overweight. All of the women on my mom's side of the family has struggled with their weight. My aunt had to get a tummy tuck. My weight has been up and down, but I've never been thin since I was little. It's very hard. When I go clothes shopping, I get so frustrated that I almost start crying. I shop and I think I see a shirt that will fit me. I try it on, and it doesn't fit me right. Well, let me explain my body shape.

I'm just under 5'1". My breats are a 40D, I have wide shoulders, and wide hips. My thighs are huge, and so are my calves. My legs are all muscle, I have huge biceps. Even if you shed the fat on my body away, my bone structure is wide. I have no fat on my hips, yet they are wide. I have no fat on the sides of my stomach, yet I'm wide. My shoulder bones are wide. My rib cage is extended out because they are trying to compensate for the size and weight of my breasts. Yes, I can lose some weight, maybe 20-30 pounds. But even if I do, I'll still be large, simply because that's my bone structure.

Anyway, it's hard. Hard finding clothes, hard dealing with this. I don't even look at my body in the mirror. I'm ashamed. I hate my body. It makes me hate myself. I don't even know how long it's been since I've looked at my own body. Every time I accidently see it in a mirror, I bit my lip and try very hard not to cry. "Fat people" know how they look.

I don't eat right. I'll be the first one to admit it. I eat fast food frequently (not recently due to money problems, but whatever) and I drink a lot of pop. I don't excercise. The only excercise I get is at work. I work in a warehouse, which is active, but I know it's not enough. I know how to eat right, and I know the kinds of excercises to do.

I choose not to.

Here's the brutal truth. Are you ready for it? Because at the end, you just might be in tears.

You remember the story in the beginning of this blog? If you don't, go back and read it.

When I was 5, I was molested. Repeatedly. For several years. My youth is a huge black hole with random memories because of this. My soul is severely scarred. I don't cry anymore. I hate what this has done to me. The man who violated me and stole my innocence has damaged my life forever. Other than that, I have been a victim many times for many different things in my life. I'm a victim. Predators know I'm a victim, and I become a victim again. That was why I was scared to write this.

This is why it's relevant.

I don't want men to look at me. I don't want their attention. I don't want to be molested or raped again. If I have to be fat for that to happen, so be it. Is it my fault that I was molested? Is it my fault I don't want to be a victim again? Is it really my fault?

I don't wear clothes that reveal my cleavage very often. Even so, I get attention from men. Because of my big boobs and my pretty blue eyes. Because of my outwordly bubbly personality.

You can tell in pictures what this has done to me. In my eyes you can see a very very sad little girl. I'm constantly tense and I still don't sleep well. I have to sleep in complete darkness because I still have the HIDE mentality. This hasn't just affected my weight. It's affected my entire life.

I've tried losing weight. I've eaten right and excercised. I've been successful. I've lost weight. Then I see I've lost weight, and I stop eating right. I stop excercising. It's not a concious choice, let me tell you. This is psychological. This is more than it seems.

The truth of the matter is, you have no fucking right to judge. Because you have no fucking clue.

Step into my shoes, just once. Let's see how you deal with being me. And let's see if you're still saying the things you are about fat people once you've been me, or anyone else you consider being fat.

So I work within a large corporation, and people get laid off or retire, and they send mass emails to the entire branch about their time here and keeping in touch. I don't know any of these people!!!! In my opinion, people should just email the people they worked with, not everyone.

Do you get goodbye messages from people at work that you never even knew?

Haha this is funny. I've moved between 20-30 times. I'm only 23 years old.

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

So I read this blog, and I decided to write a response post.

That's What He Said:

"They make excuses as to why they're fat like "Oh I can't exercise because I have a joint problem."
Seriously, if people with no legs can play basketball in the Special Olympics, you can get your lazy ass off of a chair and lose some weight." This doesn't make any sense. You can't equate someone having joint problems with someone who has no legs. Someone who has joint problems is limited in their exercises. My dad had a torn rotor cuff, and he could barely move without being in pain.

"They feel like it's wrong for others to judge them based on their weight.
NO. It is not wrong for someone to judge you because you are fat. Being fat is a lifestyle decision that you made and therefore you suffer the consequences. If I tattooed my face and got 30 piercings all over my body, I'd expect to be fired from work the very next day. Everyone will judge you, it's only a matter of whether they let you know about it outright or not." Being fat is not exactly a lifestyle choice. I'll explain in further detail later. Also, he's equating tattoos and piercings with being overweight. It doesn't make any sense. Depending on the company handbook and policies, you can't necessarily be fired for tattooing and piercing your body. In fact, if it's not in the handbook, it's illegal to be fired for this reason. It's called discrimination. Also, if it is against the rules of the company, I'm sure they'd ask you to remove them before firing you.

"They are either overly bitter, or try to compensate for their fatness by being extremely nice or funny
Fat people usually have very low self esteem. Very often, they feel bitter towards society and bitter at how they are treated compared to their hotter friends. Some fat people try to compensate by being funny or really nice, that's usually how they can make friends." I really don't know how to respond to that, other than saying this is one extremely shallow person.

"They enjoy throwing around phrases like natural looking, plus sized, big boned and well rounded...
I personally like the word OBESE, it's straight to the point." As I replied to a comment, this person is basically saying that anyone who doesn't have a perfectly flat stomach is fat. Those are real words used to describe body shapes. There's no possible way everyone in the world is going to have a flat stomach. I myself like the word "curvy."

"They believe it is society that is wrong for showing pictures of skinny people.
Society is not wrong, skinny is what is attractive and what we consider sexy, you are just the opposite of those things so stop blaming the environment and start looking at yourself." I disagree whole-heartedly with this statement. He's speaking for what society as a whole thinks what's attractive? I think women who are too thin are actually unattractive. Who wants to hug and cuddle with bones? Besides that, there are many cultures currently and throughout the centuries who prefer women with curves or who have well-rounded figures. What's wrong with the pictures that are shown are that these women are too thin and unhealthy looking...look at the model who died of anorexia.

"They love KFC
Stop eating fried shit!" Just because it's fried, doesn't mean it's from KFC or other fast food. Southerners love fried chicken and make their own all the time.

The Facts:

First I'm going to talk about anorexia and bulimia. Sometimes over-eating is as much an eating disorder as these two.

Causes (Ana/Mia):
The causes of ana/mia are fairly the same, so I'm going to combine them. Genetic factors can lead to these diseases, and they share genetic risks with clinical depression. Serotonin is a chemical in our bodies that deal with moods and anxiety and when serotonin levels are high, starving oneself can reduce those levels, hence relieving anxiety. Zinc deficiency can also play a role in anorexia. This deficiency can decrease appetites, which in turn decreases zinc in your body. Thus a vicious cycle emerges. These behaviors are also linked to psychological and mental illnesses. Clinical depression, OCD, substance abuse, and self-harming behaviors are also common behaviors with these diseases. Also, studies have shown that the promotion of thinness as the ideal form contributes to these eating disorders. There is also many cases of reported sexual child abuse linked to those with anorexia. One such number indicated 50% of those diagnosed were abused.

Anorexia: Health Problems (including but not limited to):
-Shrunken bones
-Loss of menstruation
-Weakness and fatigue
-Depression
-Suicide
-Mineral loss
-Low body temperature
-Irregular heartbeat
-Osteoporosis
-Reduction in white blood cells
-Reduced immune system functions
-Poor circulation
-Nerve deterioration
-Headaches
-Bruising
-Loss in memory
-Hallucinations
-Heart failure
-Kidney failure
-Liver damage
-10% of people suffering from anorexia die.

Bulimia: Health Problems (including but not limited to):
-Chronic acid reflux
-Dehydration
-Cardiac arrhythmia
-Cardiac arrest
-Caries (destruction of bone structure)
-Delayed gastric emptying (partial paralysis of the stomach, food remains here for longer than normal)
-Erosion of the tooth enamel
-Cavaties
-Stomach ulcers
-Ruptures of the stomach and esophagus
-Build-up of fluids in the intestines
-Irregular heartbeat
-Suicidal behavior
-Heartburn
-Weakness and exhaustion
-Anemia
-Heart failure
-10% of those who suffer from bulimia die.

Causes (Obesity):
There are many reasons why one is obese, and quite a few of them have nothing to do with eating junk food and/or overeating. There is something called metabolic syndrome, which runs in the gene pool. Depression and stress can have a huge impact on what and how often someone is eating. These things aren't controllable, and they are not a weakness. Cushings syndrome is also a cause, although I don't remember in my research what this disease is and what it does. Hypothyriodism is another cause, and a fairly big one at that. What this does is slow down your body's metabolism to a point that all the person does is gain weight, no matter what. Certain medications can also cause obesity, including but not limited to: steroids, migraine medication, anti-depressants, and other mood altering drugs. Having little, no, or not enough sleep can have an affect on obesity as well. This is completely understandable in today's society, because people are so incredibly busy, they don't have time for a decent night's sleep. Stress can also cause a great deal of sleeplessness, which in turn causes obesity. Also, the pollution in the atmosphere has an affect on a person's hormones, which can also play a role on a person's weight. Air condition is also a factor. Apparently, your body burns calories if the envirnment you're in is too hot or too cold for your comfort level, and now having temperature-controlled environments, your body isn't burning as many calories. Decreased smoking can also cause obesity.

Obesity: Health Problems (including but not limited to):
-Cardiovascular diseases
-Diabetes Type 2
-Different forms of cancer
-Reduced life expectancy
-High blood pressure
-High cholesterol
-Liver disease
-Congestive heart failure
-Infertility
-Stroke
-Migraines
-Asthma

I put up information on both problems because they are both problems. Just because anorexia and bulimia aren't as big of problems as obesity, it doesn't mean they aren't problems. They are all serious diseases, because they can all lead to death in the end. I also think people don't realize how many people are ana/mia. Most of them keep it a huge secret, one they don't tell anybody. They use "thinspiration" to keep them going on their quest to be thin. To make it worse, the person who wrote that blog put a thinspo photo up, to "use as motivation." What he doesn't understand, is that they way he's talking drive more and more people to become ana/mia, and that photo makes it worse too. Young people are so pressured by being thin by everybody that they become these walking corpses. They get it from their parents, peers, significant others, the media, and basically everyone in the country. I'll bet everyone knows someone who's ana/mia, and they don't even know it.

I think it's more about being healthy.

Ways To Lead A Healthier Lifestyle:
-Cook your own meals, don't eat out
-Eat small meals, once every 2-3 hours. This increases your metabolism.
-Eat fruits and vegatables as snacks, instead of crackers or chips
-Eat breakfast. You haven't eaten in about 10 hours, and your body needs the fuel
-Excercise for about 30-60 minutes a day. Alternate between cardio and weight training. You burn more fat the more muscle mass you have.
-When you excercise, you have to sweat. If you're not sweating, you're not working hard enough.
-Keep your heart rate up for at least 15 minutes every time you work cardio
-Drink more water than pop
-Drink plenty of water and stretch before and after every work out
-Losing weight the right way takes time! Don't lose courage!!

In this case, ignorance isn't bliss (really, it never is)....and I found it sad that people were actually agreeing with him. If he wanted to inspire people to start eating right and excercising, he was doing it the wrong way (I personally feel that he's just shallow). People shouldn't talk about something they know nothing about.

There was a comic book convention this weekend in the cities. It was called Microcon, I think. I got a couple awesome pics, I'll have to put them up sometime.

There's another one on October that we're going to, and apparently it's bigger and longer. I'm excited.

Plus, I'm going to Ren Fest this year and one of my friends is going to make me a costume. I'm so excited!!

Miranda's twins are sooo cute and sweet. They love to smile =] And Emma is too cute too, I love her to pieces!!

So I've been thinking of what I want to go to school for. Here is my serious list:

Librarian. I love books. Yes, I'm a nerd.

Editor. I love to read.

High School Math Teacher. I love math. It's easy for me. Again, my nerdiness is showing. It's okay, I'm comfortable with that.

School Counselor. Let's face it, I like helping people. The down side is that I get emotionally attached...maybe not such a good career choice....

University English Teacher. I loved all my english classes in college. The instructor was awesome, and I sort of wanted her job.

Historian. With this degree, I could work in a musuem or some such thing. I love and truly appreciate history.

Biologist. I want to study animals. The downside is that I'd have to memorize all kinds of funky Latin names that no one can pronounce. (Can also get into Zoology)

Environmental Scientist. I want to study the earth and such things. I think it's very interesting.

Geologist. I think studying the earth is very interesting.

I also think sociology and life sciences are interesting. My unrealistic interests are photography, writing, producing, and directing.

I don't know what to do!!!!

I hate my job. I hate my bosses. I hate this place.

FML

So I was texting my sister when I got home from work last night and it was funny because she asked me if I had ever told dad that I was a lesbian. I told her I just blogged about this today. She told me that dad won't care, that he'll just say something like "Whatever makes you happy dear." GAH. Maybe I should just tell him this weekend when I see him.

I was just reading this on Queerish's site...and it made me think a little bit.

You learn who your real friends truly are when you start coming out.

About 2 years ago I dated this woman, and at the time, I thought I was bi, so I started coming out as bi. I told two close friends, Jen and Holly. I had known them both for about 3 years at that point, which is a long time for me to know someone, considering I've never lived in the same place for more than 2 1/2 years. I haven't spoken to Holly in nearly a year, and I talk to Jen maybe once every 6 months.

Last summer, I came out to my high school friends. I've known them for 8 years. It's amazing to me to have friends that have lasted that long, and I love every single one of them. They've known me in some of the darkest times of my life, and they're still there for me. They love me for who I am, not who I love. They still love me, even with piercings and pink hair, even with all of my issues. They love and accept me for who I am. These friends are true friends, who will always be there for me. Years down the road, we will still be friends. I am so thankful for my friends for being so wonderful.

Those are real friends.

Sort of on the same note, I still haven't come out to the rest of my family. I went with my dad and my sister a few weeks ago to the Wild game (MN hockey, for those who don't know...). He was reading some news on the internet on his phone, and he said "Same sex marriages are now legal in Iowa."

I said "Really?!"

My dad looks over at me and he says "Why'd you get so excited?"

PERFECT opportunity to come out, right? To say "Because I'm a lesbian."

NO. What do I say instead? "Because I support it, that's all."

What the hell?

I know my dad wouldn't care. I know my dad loves me, regardless if I'm gay, straight, whatever. But there's a part of me that's deathly afraid of disappointing him. There's a part of me that thinks he'll be upset and disapponted in me for not being straight. Sounds kind of ridiculous, right?

Well, a couple of months ago, I had to stomp on my brakes on the ice because the person in front of me did. I was 3 car lengths behind, but I slid forever right into the rear end of the vehicle in front of me, and crashed my car. My car was then barely drivable and I had to get a new one. I refused to tell my dad. I didn't go to his house for a month because I didn't want him to know. I know he would endlessly lecture me about safe driving. So I go to my mom's and she helps me get financing, AND TELLS MY DAD THAT I'M BUYING A NEW CAR BECAUSE I GOT INTO A CAR ACCIDENT. I was mad. So then my dad lectured me for an hour...the economy isn't safe enough to buy a new car, you don't know how secure your job is, you should have been driving more carefully.

I think my fears of coming out to my dad are maybe justified with that story...