December 29, 2008

• When do hopes and dreams die?

  I was sitting here, playing cards and listening to music. And a song comes on. A song that was on the CD he made for me. I get sad, and memories wash over me.

  We met about 3 years ago. We worked together for a long time. I thought he was attractive, but never said anything. After a time, we started flirting back and forth at work. He’d throw paper clips and crumpled papers at me, I’d hide his pen and marker. He found a different job, but we talked on the phone. Sometimes for hours at a time. Every time I heard his voice, I was in heaven. I’d walk on cloud 9 for a day or two afterwords. I knew I was on love, but never said anything.

  He was my guest for the company holiday party, but only as a friend. He wanted to see everyone from work. I got a little tipsy, and texted him when I got home. I told him how I felt. He didn’t feel the same. So I told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore because it hurt too much knowing I could never have him. I cried for hours. I missed him for three whole months. It seemed like a lifetime.

  My 21st birthday party, almost 20 people showed up, most of them co-workers. One of them called him and he came out to the bar. I was angry. I didn’t know how to react. When I saw him, we started talking. I got a little drunker, and told him I’d missed him. He said I was the one who said not to talk to each other. I told him he knew why. He said he couldn’t remember. I slapped him. I forgot I did this about 5 minutes after it happened because when I came back in the bar from the fresh air my friends said I needed, I gave him a hug. I didn’t remember until the next work day, when another co-worker told me. Then I did remember, but I said I didn’t.

  We started talking again after I saw him on my birthday. We talked for hours on the phone, like always. We talked about everything and nothing. We got very close. I was still in love with him. I didn’t bring up my feelings for him for a long time. Then came one night with a bottle of tequila. We were talking on the phone and I was wasted. I told him my feelings again, and when he once again told me he was just my friend, I started crying on the phone. Things were never the same after that. We don’t really talk anymore. We never talk on the phone. It’s just random texting. He never answers mine, I always answer his.

  It’s taken quite a few bad experiences to learn that tequila is not Crystal’s friend, and that was just one of them.

  And here I sit, after Christmas, with no “Merry Christmas” text.

  His name is Mike, and I think everyone has a Mike. I’ve cried so many tears over this man, and I now know that we are never going to be together. I’ll always love him, and who knows why.

  So when does hope die? When do the dreams die? I was molested when I was a little girl, but that’s a different blog. But, I thought he was my own personal savior. I thought he was going to fix my problems with men. I held him so high, and my expectations became so high and unrealistic because of my dreams. I wanted him to be something that he wasn’t. Was I really in love with Mike, or was I in love with who I thought he was and wanted him to be? I honestly have no idea. I think some tiny part of me holds that hope, but I really think it’s useless. When did they die?

  So tell me, when do hopes and dreams really die?

  

  • 12:50 pm
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