New Year’s resolutions: should I bother? I don’t know. I have two hours to decide.

Grr. Feeling kind of melancholy again. =[

I was driving back to my mother’s house last night and it had snowed yesterday. The melted snow on the highway froze to glare ice. It was about midnight, and I was going about 50 in the 65. There were people passing me going varying speeds. I called them all idiots. Right before I got into Rochester, there was a rollover, an SUV.

I was sitting here, playing cards and listening to music. And a song comes on. A song that was on the CD he made for me. I get sad, and memories wash over me.

We met about 3 years ago. We worked together for a long time. I thought he was attractive, but never said anything. After a time, we started flirting back and forth at work. He’d throw paper clips and crumpled papers at me, I’d hide his pen and marker. He found a different job, but we talked on the phone. Sometimes for hours at a time. Every time I heard his voice, I was in heaven. I’d walk on cloud 9 for a day or two afterwords. I knew I was on love, but never said anything.

He was my guest for the company holiday party, but only as a friend. He wanted to see everyone from work. I got a little tipsy, and texted him when I got home. I told him how I felt. He didn’t feel the same. So I told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore because it hurt too much knowing I could never have him. I cried for hours. I missed him for three whole months. It seemed like a lifetime.

My 21st birthday party, almost 20 people showed up, most of them co-workers. One of them called him and he came out to the bar. I was angry. I didn’t know how to react. When I saw him, we started talking. I got a little drunker, and told him I’d missed him. He said I was the one who said not to talk to each other. I told him he knew why. He said he couldn’t remember. I slapped him. I forgot I did this about 5 minutes after it happened because when I came back in the bar from the fresh air my friends said I needed, I gave him a hug. I didn’t remember until the next work day, when another co-worker told me. Then I did remember, but I said I didn’t.

We started talking again after I saw him on my birthday. We talked for hours on the phone, like always. We talked about everything and nothing. We got very close. I was still in love with him. I didn’t bring up my feelings for him for a long time. Then came one night with a bottle of tequila. We were talking on the phone and I was wasted. I told him my feelings again, and when he once again told me he was just my friend, I started crying on the phone. Things were never the same after that. We don’t really talk anymore. We never talk on the phone. It’s just random texting. He never answers mine, I always answer his.

It’s taken quite a few bad experiences to learn that tequila is not Crystal’s friend, and that was just one of them.

And here I sit, after Christmas, with no “Merry Christmas” text.

His name is Mike, and I think everyone has a Mike. I’ve cried so many tears over this man, and I now know that we are never going to be together. I’ll always love him, and who knows why.

So when does hope die? When do the dreams die? I was molested when I was a little girl, but that’s a different blog. But, I thought he was my own personal savior. I thought he was going to fix my problems with men. I held him so high, and my expectations became so high and unrealistic because of my dreams. I wanted him to be something that he wasn’t. Was I really in love with Mike, or was I in love with who I thought he was and wanted him to be? I honestly have no idea. I think some tiny part of me holds that hope, but I really think it’s useless. When did they die?

So tell me, when do hopes and dreams really die?

Okay, I’m done. So done. I don’t know why, but there’s a mass amount of stupidity in drivers. What is so hard about driving??

I should write a book about how to drive.

For one thing, if you’re entering a freeway where the speed limit is 70, do not enter it going 40. YOU ARE GOING TO GET SOMEBODY KILLED. You enter at the speed the traffic is going.

If you are going the same speed as the person next to you, move the fuck over. There is a reason there is more than one lane, you jackass. One is for the slower traffic, and the rest are for the faster drivers. If you’re confused, the right lane is for slow traffic. It’s sad to say, but many freeways have posted signs saying this.

If you are going the speed limit, move over to the slow lane. Believe it or not, but there are people that drive faster than you.

If you are on a one-lane highway or county road, go at least the speed limit. The speed limit was 55, the jackass leading the pack was going 45. There was a line of at least 20 cars behind this fucker.

Bringing up this: look in your rear view mirror once in awhile. If you’re holding up a shit load of people, do something to change it. People like this cause traffic jams.

Get the fuck over if there’s someone riding your ass.

I’m tired. I’m tired of stupid drivers. GAHHH.

Every year, no matter if I was at my Mother’s or my Dad’s, both of them let us kids open one gift Christmas Eve then the rest Christmas morning.

It seems like time is going so fast. I don’t know why. It seemed like yesterday that Christmas was two months away. I don’t get it. Anyway, I so don’t want to go to work today. I just want to be lazy. But I have tomorrow and Wednesday off, I work Friday, then I have Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. Friday is really going to suck because I have to be in at 5 AM. OMG. Talk about a tall coffee and 4 Monsters. Or more Monsters. I haven’t decided how many I’m going to bring. Maybe I won’t go to bed Christmas night. GAH.

 

Why is it that we find injury so funny?? You know some of that shit’s gotta hurt like HELL!!!!

So us ladies went out last night. It was me, my room mate Becky, my room mate Gayle, my room mate Susan and her new girlfriend Becky, and our friend Kim. It was a pretty good time. I suck at darts!! I almost died though. Gayle drove me, Becky and Kim. Well, there was a snow storm that was blizzard-like at times, and she was riding people’s asses!! OMG.

Anyway, I got pics of myself and my rabbit. The rest of the night, I forgot about my camera. So before I go any further, I present Ash:

And here’s pics of me and my new black hair:

It looks like I’m stoned, but I’m not!!

(By the way, behind me on my bed are random Christmas gifts. I spent about $300 on gifts this year!!!! How much did you spend?!)

Anyways, I had a red headed slut, omg yum!! Some beer, a wicked hippie, and 2 raspberry dreamsicles. Pretty damn tasty. Susan was proud of me for having a slut

I think the bartender screwed up my tab. I think I owed more than I ended up paying…

So as the evening progressed…well, more towards the end of the night…Susan and I started talking. Well, before I say anything else, her new girlfriend is a psycho therapist. But apparently she tries to keep her job separate from her home life. Anyway, the three of us started talking. Well, I suppose I should give a little more history on myself and Susan first…

A while back, I posted my coming out story. There’s a little more to it than what I posted. For one thing, Susan was my first sexual encounter ever. Well, since my childhood. The only thing I’m going to say is that I was molested. So that shades my sexuality with men. Anyway, when Susan and I were together, I was still pretty unstable in my life. I was cutting and on the verge of becoming an alcoholic. Then there was a “friend” of ours, Christine, who whispered lies in my ears about Susan and the kind of person she was. I believed Chris and her lies. Since then, I’ve learned better. Well, it was my first “relationship” and didn’t know what to expect. Susan likes to flirt, with everybody. This jealousy was foreign to me and I didn’t know how to handle it. So all the alcohol I was drinking all the time made me behave in undesirable ways. And there were a couple of other things that happened. Anyway, since then, Susan and I never really talked about what happened between us. Until last night.

So Susan feels guilty for treating me the way she did. She doesn’t regret what happened, but she felt like I wasn’t ready. I didn’t really know who I was at that point in time, so finding out that I was a lesbian kind of rocked my world in a negative way. She feels bad for this. She wanted to let me know that I mean a lot to her and that I’m one of her best friends. I told her that I didn’t blame her for anything because of what I was going through at the time and it wasn’t that big of a deal. I accepted her apology and everything is all good.

So Susan and Becky are taking me shopping for sex toys and they are taking me out to a gay bar. They want me to have more friends in the community so that I have more friends that I can relate to. Maybe I’ll even find a girlfriend I was thinking about asking Susan if she could hook me up with someone anyway. And they were talking about throwing Susan a huge party for her 40th birthday in a year a half. So Becky has two little girls, 6 and 3. Well, Becky said they’d reserve a room for me. “It might have a Princess blanket and a Princess pillow but it’s still a bed!!”

Anyway, after a while Becky and Susan left, and the other Becky, Kim, Gayle and myself went over to Gayle’s sister’s house. Well, no one really likes Gayle or her boyfriend Jeremy, but whatever. And that’s actually why Susan hasn’t been home in two weeks. Well, I don’t really like her sisters any more than Gayle. They’re mean :/ Plus, the one doesn’t know how to make sugar cookies. They were all clumped together and tasted like ass. But I ate a couple, just to be nice. It’s not like I’m going to ask where the garbage is so I can spit them out…

But anyway, I’ve gotta go to bed because I’m really tired!!!

You ever go to McDonald’s and they don’t give you a straw??!

Well damn.

I need to buy a new charger for my camera because I can’t find my other one.

I’m going out tomorrow night!!!!!!! OMG I’m so excited because I really need a night out. It’s just the girls and we’re gonna have a blast!! And lil Kim is coming! The last time I went out with her, we were all texting each other even though we were all at the same table (cell phones are fun, aren’t they?!). She says, “I’m sick of your text messaging bullshit” OMG it was hilarious.

Hopefully I can get a battery charger for my camera and I’ll post pics!