Independence… it means so many things. As the oldest of a drug-addict-alcoholic household, not only have I had to learn independence at a young age, I had to be the care giver. Independence is being able to care for yourself not only physically, but also mentally. So many people think “free from parents,” and such like that, but independence is also a state of mind, not just physically separate. You have to be able to rely on yourself for things. Also, standing for yourself, and what you believe in, even if you’re the only one there. Thinking for yourself, not being one of the herd. Being free of anything that ties you down.

   

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Let me just first say… this entry might piss you off. I’m kind of sorry, but not really.

Christians are the only religious group that tries to force themselves on you. They all say “You need to be saved by Jesus.” What right do you have to tell me that I need to be saved by Jesus? There’s no other group that does this. Muslims don’t come up to people and tell them they need to be saved by Allah; Buddhists don’t tell you you need to be enlightned by Buddha; Jews don’t tell everyone they need to be saved by God; Wiccans don’t tell people that they need to start praying to the Goddess and God of their spirituality… and so on and so forth.

Christians are the worst offenders. Now, I’m not saying that all Christians are this way. I know they’re not. But I have never been goaded into any other religion or spirituality other than Christianity. It comes from the beginning of this man-created religion, this need for everyone to push Christianity. Back from when the Christian leaders were gung-ho on becoming a world super power and being in control of everything and everyone. It’s ingrained in everyone’s brains now to push their religion onto everyone else because that’s what the church leaders still preach in church, in their sermons. They do it in such a friendly way, of course, but it’s repeated so many times it becomes like brain washing. They tell you all the time to bring a friend who you think would benefit from going to church. So, it’s not really everyone’s fault, it’s just what they’ve been taught since they were children.

Now back to the question I posed earlier: What right do you have to tell me that I need to be saved by Jesus? Everyone’s religious and/or spiritual journey is their own private business. To me, especially spirituality, it’s very private and personal. I don’t appreciate being told that I need to find Jesus and convert to Christianity. In fact, I find it rude, harrassing, offensive, and very insulting. It should be up to every individual person to learn and discover what they believe on their own; it’s a personal journey. If someone wants questions answered, they will seek the person/people that can answer them. And personally, I’ve asked several questions about Christianity that could never be answered…

Now, let me ask this. How many people are really true and loyal to their Christian faith? Or is it something you just say? “Yes, I believe in God.” Because that’s what you’ve been brought up to? How many people TRULY believe in God? Christianity is the number one religion, with something like 2.1 billion followers. How many of those couple billion follow their faith in daily/weekly/monthly…yearly life?

What started this whole tirade is my new boss. He told me I’m going to hell because 1) “Oh my god” is my favorite phrase to say and 2) My favorite cuss word is goddamnit. Well, I can’t do anything about oh my god. I’ve had people try and get me stop saying it… nothing works. I will say this phrase until I’m dead. Move on. I’ve taken to just saying “damnit” instead of “goddamnit,” because as the old saying goes, know your audience. Yes, I swear. A lot. But, I do know my audience and I refrain when I’m around certain people. But the point is, I don’t know if he was joking or not, but he’s said it more than once now, so I tend to think not. I don’t appreciate the comment that I’m going to hell. You know what, if it really came down to it, almost every single person would go to hell anyway.

For a little view on my personal beliefs… I’ve tried, more than once, in different times and stages in my life, to look at Christianity with an open and objective view and tried following it. Three times, in fact: when I was in 9th grade, when I was in 11th grade, and then again about a year and a half ago. I’ve given up trying because all three times, I wasn’t feeling it. When you find something that really fits you, you say, yes, this is it, this is meant to be, this just feels so right. And you know when you find it. Because I’ve found it for me. Almost my whole life, I’ve been interested in witchcraft. On and off throughout the years. I came home when I was in 4th grade with books from the library on Greek mythology. In 5th or 6th grade I read books on witchcraft. Then I forgot about it for a very long time. Not really forgot, I guess, but just put it in the back of my mind and never thought about it. Until I graduated high school.

I think it was about a year after I graduated that I bought my first book on Wicca. It’s hard to explain how reading these books has made me feel. It’s like, such a peace comes over me. I think, I’ve found home. It’s such a wonderful feeling, connecting to this spirituality, and finding where you belong, discovering what you believe. It really does feel like home. I’ve read so many books on Wicca and Paganism now, and I truly think it’s where I belong, my spirituality. I feel more connected to the earth than I ever could trying to find faith in the Christian God. I’m not a “practicing” Wiccan/Pagan as of yet, as I don’t perform rituals or pray to Goddess. Maybe I never will. But for right now, I’m at peace with what I’m doing. I know how to get there when I need to.

I think God and Goddess are just putting names to something that’s too large to not have a name. A universal something. And I think the different Gods and Goddesses of Wicca, Witchcraft and Paganism are different embodiments, or different aspects of one unit. I think more along the lines that everything and everyone are universally connected. The giant spider web analogy if you will. I also like to follow the stars and the moon once in awhile. I also believe in karma and I believe in reincarnation. I’d also like to read into Shaminism eventually, since I don’t know much about it. I also find Hiduism a little interesting, although I don’t remember much about it, and I think Buddhism is intruiging as well. I’m still learning, but at least I am learning, instead of mindlessly following what every Christian I meet is telling me: I need to “be saved by Jesus.”

10:50PM…
For some reason, a panic attack has just started. I can’t breathe and my heart’s beating too fast. I don’t know what brought this on. I haven’t had one in a couple of months now.

Update…

I slept. I awoke to a pounding heart. Again and again tonight. I think I woke up like that at least four times. What’s wrong with me? I hate not being able to breathe like this. It’s so hard concentrating all the time… breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. In, out. In, out. Like a mantra, keeping myself from a full-blown panic attack. If I let it get out of control, I’ll be gasping for breath. For the last 6 fucking hours.

Okay, so when I was like 11 or 12, I read this book that I completely fell in love with. I had checked it out from the library, and I read it a few times. It’s a young adult vampire love story. The book simply took my breath away. In the years following, I’ve tried finding it a few times, but I couldn’t remember exactly what it was called.

I walked into Barnes and Noble today, intending to buy only one book. Well, there was one of those tables with a little banner that said something like “If you like the Twilight series, check out these other great books,” or something to that effect. I went over to the table, and oh my god I saw the book I’ve been searching for all these years. I picked it up and read the description on the back, and yes, I’d found it. It’s called Look For Me By Moonlight, by Mary Downing Hahn. It’s got a different cover, because it’s from a second printing.

The only thing is, I think I remember that I don’t like the ending, it’s not the ending I wanted. Nevertheless, I still loved the book when I was younger. Of course, I bought it. I only hope it still holds the magical properties that I remember reading it all those years ago.

~¤~

Now, for news on Breaking Dawn. I finished it quite some time ago, two weeks exactly. My initial thoughts were that I genuinly liked it. I thought it was good, but I thought New Moon was still my favorite.

Right off the bat I didn’t like the non-sex sex scenes. While I didn’t like it, I understood it because it’s written for teens and yada yada about all that crap. But whatever. Throughtout the series, I was a genuine Edward fan. I loved Edward, because it was from Bella’s perspective, and how could you help but not love him like she does? In Breaking Dawn, I really became a fan of Jacob. I developed a respect of him that wasn’t there before. I kind of disliked Edward a little bit, but that’s because he faded into the background in Breaking Dawn.

The whole child vampire thing was a bit weird, in all honesty. You’d think a baby like that would be a hellon, a little demon baby. But no, she’s perfect in every way. I don’t know. I really did like it, but again, it wasn’t my favorite.

Well, after I read it, I went online to see what people were saying in various message boards. I read a lot of comments about people hating it and such. Some of the points I read did make me think a little bit, and then I did become quite disappointed, because I realized that some of this stuff was right. I won’t go into it, because I think all the fans of the series have been hearing what everyone’s been saying and such. But I will say that I’ve noticed that the older fans such as people my age and older, and maybe just a touch younger, are all horribly disappinted in this ending of what had been a very good series. We think Stephenie could have done better. But all the younger fans, the teenage ones, love the book and I’ve seen several of them writing that it’s their favorite book of the series.

I think there’s this difference because of the level of mature thoughts. The older fans realize that it could have been written better, while the younger ones haven’t experienced enough to think there could have been something better. I apologize if I offend anyone, but that’s just what I see.

Also, I think it would have been better if there had been two more books, not one. I think this because there was too much to wrap up. There’s two major things going on that needed conclusions, and they were too big to keep contained in one book. Hence, that’s why there’s the “random stories” thrown in that people have been talking about. Maybe I’ll re-read it and post my more detailed thoughts… but that’s all for now.

=]

So, I was laying here, trying to sleep. Only, I’m not really tired. I’ve been daydreaming. Of the perfect man. Does he exist? Will I ever meet him? Will I ever meet my own Prince Charming? I don’t know. Is he out there, somewhere?

Well, dawn is breaking now. The sky isn’t completely dark anymore, and I can hear some birds cooing and chirping. Maybe I should try to sleep again, but the attempt may be futile. Who knows, maybe I’ll have a dream about my perfect man, out there somewhere…

Sometimes, things happen. Things you can’t control. You just have to do the best you can. And the best is good enough. You’re always going to have regrets in your life. Should I have done that differently? Should I have said that instead? All a person can do, is speak from their heart. If it’s truth, if it’s honest, it works. Sometimes the truth hurts. A lot of times it hurts. But all a person can do, is say, yes, I’ve made mistakes, but I’m going to move on. I know what I’ve done wrong, and I can fix it now.

Life isn’t cut and dry, life isn’t black and white. Life isn’t a pretty box wrapped in elegant wrapping paper. It’s filled with shadows and grief. Sadness and strife. You have to remember every perfect moment, because they don’t happen often. Take the bad, and shape it. Mold it. You can. There’s always something good that comes with it, however small it may be.

I don’t always know the right words. Most of the time I don’t. All I can do is be here. Sometimes an ear is enough. Sometimes a hug.

~¤~

Your experiences shape who you are.

I have a deep and profound understanding of life. Of forgiveness. My path grows stronger as time goes on. Every time I ever thought of killing myself, that something stopped me. Something strong, keeping me alive. Because I have a real purpose of being on this earth. Even if I change only one person’s life from this purpose, that will be enough.

Yes, I hold so much of myself in. Yes, I won’t show you all of me. I don’t break hearts, I get my heart broken. I’m deep, intelligent, beautiful. I’m loved, sweet, genuine. I’m shy and outgoing. I’m the best friend you will ever meet. I laugh, I cry. I smile, I frown. Sometimes you can read my face. Sometimes, you can’t. I can whisper sweet poetry in your ear. I can make you cry with my life stories. I can make you laugh with my infectious smile. My eyes can be electric blue fire, or cold ice.  There’s so many sides of me, so many you’ll never see. A real crystal, like my namesake, so many facets, reflections and rainbows. My words can make you think. My words might be all I have at times. They have a voice all their own. Sometimes I don’t know who I am. Sometimes I falter. I am strength. I have high walls, tall gates, and thick baracades. Only the strongest will find their way in through the cracks. I am forgiving, I am an old soul. Sometimes I am weary, sometimes I am old; don’t let my age fool you. Sometimes, all I know is, I am me.

For the longest time, I remember liking the movie Anywhere But Here with Natalie Portman and Susan Sarandon. Now I’m watching it, and the mother reminds me so much of my mother. It makes me sad. And poor Ann, I know how she feels. How much you wish and hope for something half assed normal, and gettting let down every single time. Every disappointment. It builds on you, until every time, it’s one big lie. Everything. Everything’s a lie. You can’t separate it out anymore, truth and reality, and lies and fiction.

And every person you meet is your mother, possibly the liar.

I need some help!! I’m making some playlists on projectplaylist.com, and I need some song ideas. I have two lists I’m trying to complete…a sad song list and a love song list. If anyone can give me some songs to fill these lists up I would greatly appreciate it!!!

I just finished reading Eclipse for the second time before diving into Breaking Dawn. My question is: What adventures lie in wait for me in those precious pages?

It’s kind of funny how all this started. I was in Barnes and Noble one day, and saw Twilight. I’d heard on a message board somewhere that it was a good book. So, I picked it up and thought, what the hell, I’ll try it. I couldn’t put it down. It was so addicting, I was amazed at how much I loved it. I read the book in two days and was delighted to discover there was a second book, and a third book coming out shortly. So I bought New Moon later that week. I cried. It was so heart wrenching for me to read. In Twilight, I became an Edward fan. I fell in love with their love, if that makes any sense. I read it, and thought ahhh, that’s the kind of earth-shattering love I’m waiting for. Then in New Moon, I was devastated to learn that he left her. Stephenie wrote it in such a way that makes you go on Bella’s journey with her, like you’re in her mind. So I felt heart broken when Edward left. Then I bought Eclipse as soon as it was available. I didn’t like it as much as Twilight, but it was still captivating. I felt sad when she broke Jacob’s heart, but being an Edward fan, I wasn’t as heart broken as Bella was.

I discovered that there was going to be a final book, and I was looking very forward to it. I was in line at the bookstore before midnight and waited in line for my turn to buy Breaking Dawn. I got home shortly after 12:30, maybe closer to 1 this morning. I should have started re-reading the series a day earlier, as I just finished reading Eclipse. I’ve read Twilight and New Moon three times each, Eclipse twice. I know that’s not as much as other fans, but that doesn’t mean I love the books any less. I suppose I should get to sleep, as I’ve been awae for nearly 24 hours now, but even as my eyes are exhausted, I want to open Breaking Dawn and start. I’m afraid to open the book to peek at how many pages there are. I don’t want to accidently read anything from the ending. I should sleep, but I want to read.

Nevertheless, my thoughts on the book will be posted as soon as I read it. I’m excited, and I know I sound like a total nerd, but I don’t care. Long live Edward and Bella