then we wished them all a happy birthday we kiss them all goodnight now he chases me to my room chases me to my room chases me in my black and red dress...im a murder tramp murder tramp
The Birthday Massacre!!!!!!!
my darker side is showing 
VampireFreaks kicks ass
...you just have to know when to let go.
When do things start getting better? I wonder sometimes if they ever will. But I have to hold onto my hope, that's what's keeping me alive. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, you know? How can you begin to live if you don't love yourself? It is there that I must begin.
Life hurts, it's meant to. That's what I learned today. Let it hurt, cry. If we didn't hurt sometimes, what kind of people would we be? I wouldn't be as strong as I am today if I haven't hurt. Let life hurt, don't numb it out, like I used to. Let it consume you, then consume IT, overcome it. Cry the tears that want to fall, it's ok. That's what I learned today, just let it hurt for awhile.
I always seem to make a mess of things. I don't know why, it seems like it's what I do best. I hope that someday that changes, but for right now, I guess I'm making a mess of things.
I'm a mess.
I'm going out tonight, I'm so excited. It's Susan's birthday party, and I found the perfect card for her, lmao. I found another perfect one for her, but I didn't buy that one I bought the other one I found
I'm such an over-reactor, I can't help it sometimes. So a certain someone called their phone company and blocked my phone number. I was upset at first, but then I got over it. Forget him, right? I deleted his number from my phone, deleted all the messages that I had saved that he had sent to me. Cleansing the spirit, if you will. He's forgotten, and it's just as well.
Lots of things going on in my life that I can't really talk about. Most people don't know this litte secret about me. I told my best friend last week, and it floored her, she never saw it coming. I didn't want to tell her because she's so opposed to this secret of mine, but she goaded me by saying "But I tell you everything!". I don't know if she'll get over it. And another one of my friends sort of saw it in action, and I don't know what she thinks of it. I should call her and talk to her.
You know what it feels like when you've hurt someone? How badly you hurt? How upset you are? That's like one of the worst feelings in the world, I swear. But everything's ok, and I promised I wouldn't cut anymore. I threw away my blades, so that when I feel like it, the temptation is not right there in front of me, and by the time I buy one or get one somehow, the feeling to have cut would have passed. Go me, right? No more hurting myself, so I don't hurt the people that love and care about me.
"and this is the price that you pay for being smart in a stupid way"
Why does life have to hurt so bad?
Why do I let people get so close to my heart? They encroach in my space, unbidden, unwanted. I let people get too close, way too close. Why do I care for everyone so much? Why do I invite myself to be hurt? These situations could be so avoidable...if only I didn't care. Why do I care? I shouldn't care so much, I let it rule me. Anxiety attacks, sadness, tears, regret. I shouldn't let myself care so. I need to pull away from people again, it's essential to my survival. I'm alone, and I always will be.
I can't beathe right now.
There was a severe thunderstorm early this morning, around 3:30. Lightning like you wouldn't believe, constant thunder rumblings, 60mph wind slamming the heavy rain in torrents on the street. I loved every minute of it The power went off fr a brief second, came back on right away. We were under a flood warning. Good times, good times. I watched Gia last night for the first time. I cried like 3 times, it was so sad. She was lonely, all she wanted was for someone to stay with her, be with her, but everyone she loved always left her. Because she watched her mother leave when she was little, she never wanted anyone to leave her, but they always did. The drugs made that not matter when she was high, but when she was comin down, it made the leaving even worse. I cried almost everytime someone left her.
"have you ever heard the sounds/in the shadows of a song/have you ever felt the words/go right through you from beyond/cause years pass and people change/bluer skies could turn to gray/though its gonna hurt for now/every sip mnust sail away/every ship must sail away"
"wake up take your pills dear/i know this time of year aint right for you/.../so put me on a plane/fly me to anywhere"
And I don't wanna go to bed...I get to see Becky tomorrow, since she's not going to be at the bar Friday night, damnit! I gotta babysit the children while she gets her tattoo done. It sounds really pretty. Anyways, good night.... 