November 13, 2005
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¤craziness¤
So, it’s been awhile since my last entry. Not much has gone on…but, still, there are some things, so here is…
…Things I have learned:
© 2 people have been fired
© crushes are called crushes because you’re crushed that you can’t have him
© all the hot guys who are also good guys are taken
© being under 21 really blows
© there are such things as work sluts
© a team at work can rapidly expand in clients
© boys are flirts
© some people wear too much cologne
© space is limited
© 40% of americans have less than $1,000 in their savings accounts
© 75% of american households make less than $57,000/yr
© its easy to say it
© its harder to follow through
© music is love
© gotta love the eyes
© shaving beards takes years off a man
I have a new favorite song. It’s called The Blower’s Daughter, by Damien Rice:
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky
I can’t take my eyes off of you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes off of you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes…
And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We’ll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower’s daughter
The pupil in denial
I can’t take my eyes off of you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes off of you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes…
Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?
I can’t take my mind off of you
I can’t take my mind off you
I can’t take my mind off of you
I can’t take my mind off you
I can’t take my mind off you
I can’t take my mind…
My mind…my mind…
‘Til I find somebody new
It’s amazing the kinds of new things on xanga since I’ve been here last.
Well, lemme see here. I’ve decided what I’m going to go to college for: Accounting. I’ve been accepted to a local tech school, so I’m going to go there. I’ve started seriously saving money. I’m applying for a part time job for after my full time one for more money. I still work at the same place. Work was pretty crazy last week, super busy. My group now has 3 clients to take care of, talk about rapid expansion. We need to hire some more people because four people can’t handle it all. I haven’t written much lately. I’ve gotten rid of a lot of clothes that I don’t wear anymore. I have to start shopping at the Goodwill, but I don’t mind because the local one is really decent, good stuff there. I’m overall a happier person lately, I don’t know why. I think maybe I like myself more these days than I have in the past. I watched this movie called Home Room today. It made me cry. I haven’t cried in awhile. Friday night I was drinking and having a good time with and her neighbors. Good times good times. Everything is beautiful, even me sometimes. I feel prettier these days too. I have my pic in my pro on MSN, and a ton of guys were talking to me about how cute I am, that’s always a confidance booster. I wrote this today:
When Tears Aren’t Good Enough
When tears aren’t enough to wipe the pain away, what do you do? When the pain is so intense, when your heart hurts so much, what do you do to ease it? When the sobbing subsides, all that’s left are the bitter tears you’ve cried, streaming down your face. The hurt slows down to a subtle ache, but still there. How many tears do you have to cry? How many until you feel better? How many times does the blade have to run across you skin? How many silent screams have to be heard?
The cuts may heal, but they still leave scars on your skin. Scar tissue settles on your heart, and pretty soon that’s all your heart’s made out of. Wounds that don’t fully heal leave their impression. How many times are you going to stare at that wall? For how long? How long until the sadness and hurt you feel swallow you whole? Jumping into the deep end and hold your breath. Hold your breath until it runs out; hold your breath until you can’t stand it any longer. Come up sputtering and choking, those deep breaths aren’t enough, suddenly you can’t get enough air. Tears melt with water, no one knows the difference. You’re so afraid of what happens next you can’t do it. What happens when your tears run out and the blade is too dull? What happens next?
I feel so much better now than I have in a long time. I don’t know why that is, but I hope it lasts because I hate feeling the way that I do most of the time.
“She came calling one early morning
She showed her crown of thorns
She whispered softly to tell a story
About how she had been wronged
As she lay lifeless
He stole her innocence” – Wash Away Those Years, Creed
“The dust has finally setteled
On the field of human clay
Just enough light has shone through
To tell night from the day
We’re incomplete and hollow
For our maker’s gone away
Who is to blame?
We’ll surely melt in the rain
Say I, say I, say I, say I, say I, say I” – Say I, Creed
“She wears a coat of color
Loved by some
Feared by others
She’s immortalized in young men’s eyes
…
But beautiful is empty
Beautiful is free
Beautiful loves no one
Beautiful stripped me
Stripped me, stripped me, stripped me” – Beautiful, Creed
“Have I been blind?
Have I been lost?
Inside myself and my own mind?
Hypnotized, mesmorized
By what my eyes have seen?
Have I been wrong?
Have I been wise?
To shut my eyes and play along?
Hypnotized, paralyzed
By what my eyes have found?
By what my eyes have seen?
What they’ve seen?” – Carnival, Natalie Merchant
“Everytime I try to fly I fall without my wings
I feel so small I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face it’s haunting me
I guess I need you baby” – Everytime, Britney Spears
“Please just don’t play with me
My paper heart will bleed
This wait for destiney won’t do
Be with me please I beseech you” – My Paper Heart, All American Rejects
“And I can’t make it on my own
Because my heart is in Ohio
So cut my wrists and black my eyes
So I can finally sleep tonight
Or die
Because you kill me
You know you do you kill me well
You like it too and I can tell
You never stop until my final breath is gone” – Ohio Is For Lovers, Hawthorne Heights
“When love lets you go you only want love more
Even when love is not what you were lookin for
Speak slow
Tell me love where do we go
a ow where do we go
a ow where do we go” – Speak Slow, Tegan and Sara
“Hey little girl would you like some candy?
Your momma said it’s ok
‘The door is open come on outside’
‘No I can’t come out today’
It’s not the wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground
Who’s there that makes so afraid?
Your shaken to the bone
You know I don’t understand
You deserve so much more than this” – Good Enough, Sarah McLachlan
“Were do we begin to get clean again?
Can we get clean again?
…
The God of wine comes crashing
Through the headlights of a car
That took you farther than
You thought you’d ever wanna go
We can’t get back again
We can’t get back again
She takes a drink and then she waits
The alcohol it permeates
And soon the sounds give way
And cancels out the day
I can’t keep it all together
I know I know I know I know I know I know I know
I can’t keep it all together” – God Of Wine, Third Eye Blind
Crystal
Comments (1)
Wow, quite an entry. I’m glad you’re happier. Sounds like you’re doing great. Working for yourself and having a plan for the future that you are taking steps to implement will make you feel better about yourself. Excellent, Crystal.