I thought I could trust you

You said you had all the answers

Mr. Know It All

I sit here in the dark wondering

I don’t know where you are

You said youd call

The phone is here next to me

The tears come, unwanted

You said you knew what it was that ails me

Like a moth to the flame

I glued myself to you

I believed you

I believed in you

The hurt bubbles to the surface

Threatening me

I cut off all ties

Like I cut my wrists

Deter the pain

You show up with your tie askew

And her lipstick on the collar

And her perfume in your hair

Well I only have one question

How can you lie with a heart?

I thought I could trust you and

You said you had all the answers

So how do you like the little dancing guy? I thought it was funny too.

I want some Chinese food...really bad. I don't know if my sister's coming over this weekend. I've got The Ring 2 from Netflix, so I'm gonna watch that tonight. Ashley, did you know that you left your library card here?

UGHHHHHH work blows.

Okay, I'm going to go do something else now.....have a nice day.

So the last few days have been ehhhhh......... Some people are work are so fuckin stupid. So, the last week I've been learning to drive the walkie (otherwise known as the rabbit....a small motorized forklift), so that means I have to go to the Let's Get Bitched At meeting on Monday afternoon. There's been too many forklift accidents lately, many of them costly, and Randy, the maintenance guy (Randy's the fuckin shit), is gettin sick of it cuz he's the one who gets reamed a new one, even though he's not the one doing all this damage. Someone ran over someone's toes the same day someone hit the gas line and everyone had to be evacuated from the building (not the one I work in, the other building). So everyone operating a motorized vehicle in the building has to go to the meeting, and that includes me. The other thing that's been going on is just fuckin PEOPLE. Especially the ones who think they know everything about everything....UGH..... The trick is to shake it off..... We Got More Bounce in California

 

Scott's (my boss) back tomorrow after having all this week off...then he's got Monday then he's gone the rest of next week....the week where we have 12 new stores coming out. There's going to be a lot to tell him, there's been a lot going on this week. One thing is Linda and the "holier than thou" attitude she carries about everything. She's always fuckin talking to Rob (my boss's boss)....she talks to him more than my boss does...she talks to him more than she fuckin works...while everyone has to direct themselve.....which isn't good cuz we have so many new temps who don't know what they're doing. Linda's job is to inform Rob about things, yes.....but more of it is training and directing people. We have a limited number of core people that have to be doing other things and people are spread very very thin...we're losing so many people who know what they're doing on the verge of a very busy week. I may or may not be over there next week, I don't know what kind of work there's going to be in my own department, but for the last few days I've been in the department that I don't belong to and it's really bad. You can nearly cut the tension with a knife it's that bad. No wonder they're losing so many people over there....no one can stand Linda....and a few others there. There's a couple other people that don't do their work and all the people who do work are getting pissed, naturally, because they have to pick up the slack. It's unfortunate that the kind of places where I work get shitty people that work for them. There are some good people, but they eventaully leave for bigger and better things cuz where I work is a shitty place.

 

 

I don't have to worry about gettting fired....my group lead talks to my supervisor about everyone and their performance.....and Ruth, my group lead, told me that I'm doing a good job and Scott (my boss) knows it. And Lise told me yesterday that I'm a good packer, she's never found any mistakes made by me, so that makes me feel good.

So, does everyone love my new layout or what?? I love it.

Friday was a good day...and last night, I don't know about last night. Uhhhh yeah. Okay kids, I'm gonna give you some sound advice, and trust me on this: Don't drink alcohol. Well, don't drink too much. I didn't have a shut off valve last night and...ya. I didn't puke, but I did stumble, fall a few times, they had to try and stop me from jumping in the fire, and I learned how hard it is for a female to pee outside when they're totally smashed. I was talking shit about myself and I think I said a few stupid things. In the end, Heath tried to give me a ride back to Jen's house, which was right down the street, but I said something like "I can do it my own self", slurring a few words together. So Dennis walked me back and Craig and his little son walked right behind us to make sure Dennis didn't try anything (I believe I heard Craig say "Don't try anything Dennis") And then Jen was behind them (or she got a ride from Heath, who came behind us in his trunk). So, everyone followed me to Jen's house to make sure I got there ok. Oh, and I got a shoulder massage from Craig, that felt really good. I think they ran out of beer, I think I drank the last one. I was so fucked up I didn't even know which way was up. Uhhhh, I don't think I'll be doing that for awhile.

And Friday at work was awesome.......Chris said that I have to drink with her sometime....and I was like I could never keep up with you.....

I have some serious problems. I don't even know where to start.

I can't trust people, I just can't do it. I push people away before they get too close, that's why I have hardly any friends. That's why I've never had a serious relationship. There's a reason I don't trust anyone, and that's because everyone I've ever known has hurt me, some more severely than others. Intentionally or not. I've tried to trust, I really have. But I find that I distance myself without my own consent. Whenever someone starts getting too close to me, I just shut down and act cold towards them, sometimes ignoring them, giving them attitude. And when I realize what I'm doing, it's too late to reverse it. How do I go to someone and apologize for something like that? I can't do it.

That's why I'm alone, I do it to myself, so I guess I have no reason to complain. I've started thinking that maybe I'm supposed to rot from the inside out. I know not talking to someone about things is unhealthy, but I do it anyway. But I pretend. I can pretend so well, I should be an actress. Everyone knows that I'm not the happiest person, but I try to paste a fake smile on my face, if I don't, no one will talk to me at all. I don't know what to do anymore. I have no one to turn to, but I've done it to myself, I've wrapped myself in a cocoon. I'm so sick of it all.

Lately I've been thinking about God. I read this book (well, part of it) about mothers and the relationships they have with their children, or lack of one. They say that if you've never had a connection from your mother, which is very important to establish in the first few years of a person's life, it's much harder for that person to trust others. They have a tendency to be alone, and independant. They also are very hard on themselves for their mistakes and they have a hard time believing and trusting in others, especially God. It doesn't help that I didn't grow up with Christianity in the house. I was baptised a Luthern, but we never ever went to church, except twice a year, Easter and Christmas. We haven't abided by that in years. I haven't been to church in quite a long time. If something isn't in your life and you have a hard time believing in people right in front of you, it's going to be much more difficult later in life believing in something that you cannot see, that you have to trust in on blind faith and blind faith alone. That's something very hard to do, and I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. And perhaps when I am ready, it might not be God I believe in, it might be some other religion.

I just don't know.

My dog died on Wednesday. Cocoa, she was 14. She was old, but it's still sad when a pet dies. She was actually my grandpa's dog. I was 5 when he got her, and I went with to pick her out. My grandma has a picture of me holding her when she was a puppy. I'll have to ask her if I can have that picture. I can't believe no one told me before Saturday. These last 7 or so months, I couldn't even go out and see her, she looked so bad, I couldn't bear seeing her like that. She had a good, long life, I only wish dogs could live longer. My uncle David's dog, Britney, was as old as Cocoa, but she was worse. For a couple years she had really bad arthritis, and could hardly move up and down the stairs. It got so bad that a few months ago they put her to sleep. She was such a sweet, docile dog. Very calm and loving.

So, I had today off work and I have Monday off. I didn't do anything today, just sat around.....I didn't clean, didn't do any laundry. I did what I wanted to: nothing. So ya...nothing else going on at the moment....my mother's been calling lately and stuff, other than that, nothin much.....

So, the state of Minnesota is officially retarded. They've recently passed a law.....kids can ride their motorized scooters on the street. 12 year olds. Of course there are restrictions on the scooters, like it has to have lights and whatnot for driving in the dark. So, how are the cops gonna ticket these kids when they break traffic laws? They don't have licenses. That's only one of the stupid things about this. The biggest thing is the fact that kids are going to get hurt and die. They were worried about kids making a nuiscance on the sidewalks, because they are now banned from sidewalks. You're worried about people on the sidewalks, so you put the kids out on the street to fucking die.
So, there's this family. The mother told her kids NOT to drive their scooters on the street, they live in a cul de sac and have space in the back of the house for scooter use. Just days after this law is passed, this kid gets his scooter, after a sleepover and drives it on the street. The kid gets hit by a 16 year old in a big SUV. He almost dies and is in a drug induced coma, have many surgeries that are trying to save his life. A true fucking story, just happened about a week ago.
What the fuck is the state of Minnesota thinking?!?!?! There's going to be kids that are going to die then the parents are going to bitch and cry when they might be the ones who let their kids do it. Even if they don't let them, as this story shows, a parent cannot always have total control over their children. Also, we all know that there are stupid drivers out there who don't know how to drive and don't pay attention to their surroundings.
And as for the law, I don't know everying about it. There are probably provisions and restrictions that I don't know about. But from what I've heard about it on the news, the law is just asinine.

Scooter Law info:

law breakdown:
http://www.co.dodge.mn.us/html/sheriff/ScootersMotorizedElectricAssistBicycles.html

Let's see how many kids get killed, eh?

I'm so fuckin sick of work I could puke. It's just the work part in general that I hate. And some people. It's like high school, you have to watch what you say to who, and it drives me nuts. I wanna be able to talk to someone and tell them something without other people knowing. It's fuckin bullshit. I can't trust anyone there except Holly, who doesn't even work in the same building. If I'm pissed about something, I can't really tell anyone. Whatever. I've just been really down lately and whatnot. Everyone's noticed, but I don't care. Fuck It All.

 

 

Have I changed? Have I become a bad person? I just hate myself.

Well, here I am again. Today was a better day than yesterday. Lmao, Chris was in a good mood cuz she has tomorrow off. I was singing like all day. I took Rusty to lunch today, well, he took me to lunch but I paid, so ya, lol. And I almost died. For a race car driver, he kinda drives crazy....unless he was driving that way on purpose...?

Kittie
       "Paperdoll"

I Look At her In That Paper Dress.
I Wonder Why She Won't Burn.
She's Just A Paper Doll,
Thats All, Just A Paper Doll.
I Dress Her Up She Knocks Me down [2x]
They Try Her On For Size she Fits, Nice.
One Size Fits All [2x]
Now Her Soul Is Dead, Now Her Bodie's Raw,
You Can Numb Her Pain
Watch The Blood Run Down Her Face.
But Dont Take Notice.
Watch The Blood Run Down Her Arms.
Please Don't Take Notice.
I Know You Have Her Soul.
(and) I See It In Your Eyes.
She Knows You Have Her Soul.
(and) She Sees It In Your Eyes.
Now Her Soul Is Dead, Now Her Bodies Raw,
WASH AWAY HER PAIN
She Wants You To Eat Her Pain.
She Wants You To Eat Her Remains [2x]