July 12, 2005

• I’ve never ever told anyone, ever, what I’m going to say right now. Please don’t ask me why I haven’t, I’m not entirely sure…..
  When I was in 4th grade (I think it was 4th grade, I’m not sure), there was this male teacher, my teacher. This one day, there were 4 people in the room, I don’t remember where everyone else was, but it was me, the teacher, and two other girls. He called them “my special girls”. I was finishing some homework, while the teacher was standing at the podium, a girl on each side. I didn’t wanna do my homework, so the teacher told me to do my homework, and I said no, I don’t want to. He said, “If you don’t do your homework, I’ll come over and nibble on your ear.” I got scared, my heart started beating really fast. So I opened my book and started working again. He must have seen the expression on my face and knew I was scared, because he walked across the room to me. He stood behind me, put his hands on my shoulders, bent his head, and got within a hair from my ear and said “nibble nibble nibble”, then switched ears, and did the same thing. I remember feeling so small, and I wanted to get smaller, I wanted to shrink until I was nothing, I didn’t want to be there at that moment, I wished I had never closed my book, I wished I had never been in his class. That’s where the memory of what happened ends. I don’t remember if he did anything or said anything else to me. I don’t remember how long after this happened that he was no longer our teacher. A woman had replaced him, and one of my friends told me that he wouldn’t be coming back. I asked why, she said because he’d molested two girls. I was too young, I didn’t know what that really meant. My dad asked me one day if the teacher had ever touched me. I said no. He asked me if I was sure. I thought, well he didn’t really touch me, all he touched was my shoulders, and he didn’t really nibble on my ears. I told him I was sure. The subject never came up again. I don’t know why I rationalized, I don’t know why I didn’t tell the truth.
  I guess the reason I’ve never told anyone this is because I felt responsible for what happened, what he did. I stopped doing my homework, so it was my fault. It was my punishment. I’ve felt that people will judge me and hate me. I asked for it, it’s all my fault, I’m to blame.
  I’m only saying something now because child molesters have been in the news now more than ever before and they were talking about it on the KQ morning show this morning, one specific case, but I don’t remember what it was, and it made me remember. I haven’t remembered that memory in years.
  So I have a question: What’s the line? Where’s the line drawn? Was what happened to me molestation, or was it just getting too close? Is sexual harrasment towards a young girl considered molestation?

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  *EDIT*

  
  

  crying we put out our lights and sigh
  all the losses in the world couldn’t prepare us for this
  when she gave up on life
  it was a devastating blow
  confused we run, not knowing which direction we’re facing
  north, south, east, west
  and it all ends there

  • 11:18 pm
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