I just spent all day with my sister, Rachel. I drove the hour and 15 minutes and spent all day at her house...I don't even know how to begin to explain how I feel by that visit. Sad, depressed, guilty.....let me explain....

Last night, I was at Jen's house drinkin a few beers when my dad called to tell me that we got this townhouse that we'd looked at and really liked...so I called my step dad to tell him that I was moving and asked him if he could drive my bed from there up here....so we started talking about Rachel, and then I called her, but she wasn't home. I talked with her step mom, Brenda, about her, asked how she was doing....I guess she's in counseling and taking medication for what mom's done to her....On Christmas, they made plans to drop Rachel off at mom's....well, when they got there, no one was home, just when they were about to leave, mom got home, and Mark (my sister's dad) went in to talk to her. Evidently, she was saying all this shit about how she didn't want her there, she didn't want her and blah blah blah. Then the last time, my sister talked to mom was over the phone. Rachel told mom how she felt, that she didn't want her to do drugs, she didn't want her to drink, and all this. Well, I guess mom attacked her, saying that her life has been a living hell since Rachel had been born, and all this. So Rachel cuts up her ankle really bad....she showed me the scars today. I asked Brenda if she could tell Rachel that I called, and left her the my number....about 10 minutes or so later, Rach calls me back and we talk for a few minutes, and I tell her that I have my license now, so she tells me that I should come visit her tomorrow, so we make plans.....I got there this morning a little after 9 in the morning and left at 15 to 10. She let me read her diary...omg. The saddest thing I've ever read in my life....thank god she was in the shower cuz I cried.....it was horrible. I felt this overwhelming guilt because I had no idea the extent of my mother's damages to her, I had no idea what was going on, I wasn't there for her when I should have been cuz she needed me. She got her belly button peirced, and it looks really cute. We didn't do much all day, just hung out, watched movies, talked, cuddled, just like the old days *tear*

I'm tired.

It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss

While everyone's lost, the battle is won

Smile like you mean it

The Killers kick ass.....

Better Than Sex Cake....mmmmmmmmm

Thank God tomorrow is Friday.....thank you thank you thank you.....

I wonder if I should ask my mom if I should send her her mother's day present in the mail...since she wanted to send me my non existent birthday present in the mail, instead of driving up here to see me....oh well. I don't wanna see her anyway.

OMG I'm SO excited!!! I might get a small promotion!!!! There's no raise, yet, because it's a new position, but OMG!!! I might be a meter-er.....and I get to learn how to drive the rabbit (for those who don't know warehouse-speak, a rabbit is a small motorized forklift that you steer with your body weight...and they go pretty fast.....)

I'm eating Ben and Jerry's right now...mmmm yummy. I haven't had ice cream in so long...months...well, I've been to Dairy Queen every now and then, but I haven't bought any ice cream at the grocery store in over a year....woah that's a long time....anyways, gonna go now and do nothing.....

So, ya....everyone was telling me how cute my hair is...my nose ring kept falling out today...not all the way, but part of the way...I got sick after lunch and went home early. I had like motion sickness driving home.....it was horrible. I felt like I was going to puke...icky. I feel better now though....

Me and my dad are looking for a place to live...it's not going very well so far. One place was tiny and too much, the other place is small and too much....gah. But we're supposed to be looking at another one tonight....I don't know. Dad says he doesn't wanna do an apartment, cuz he wants to be able to watch loud movies and whatnot....so ya. So a house to rent or a townhome....We put our notice in here, so we have to be out by the first of June.....fun fun fun.

I think Kahlen is gonna be the next top model....she's better than anyone else, I think. That's just my opinion....

I fucking hate waking up so early.

*EDIT*
I wanna go on a road trip....but I don't know where to....hm.
I wanna get a tattoo.......I want I want I want...I'm a selfish bitch, aren't I?

OMG...I just spent $55 on my hair... I got it cut, I got my eyebrows waxed, and I bought shampoo and conditioner....$30 for the both of them...well, I got the liter bottles, wich are $20, but it was buy shampoo get conditioner half off....and they smell really good. I think at another time I'm going to get my hair professionally colored....red and black...that'll look pretty.

I learned (or realized) something today that seriously pissed me off.... I don't wanna write about it right now......GAH today sucked ass....but my hair looks cute, so.....

OMG. My legs are so sore....I'll prolly never dance again, lol. Holly went home sick today . "Cover your nose, you're terrifying him!!" -Meet the Fockers.

I'm starvin.....went to Kohl's today.....bought some groceries at Cub....yummy food.....

gonna go eat pizza......mmmmmmmm

"eternal sunshine of the spotless mind"

just take a moment and think about what that means....cuz I don't have it figured out yet...I suppose reading the poem might help....

If I go crazy will you still be my superman.....

More and more I draw into myself. I don't talk to anyone anymore, not about anything of real importance...what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling...nothing really matters anymore....

Mindless chatter is all I can say...cracked and bleeding, laughing and crying.

I didn't wash my hair today, or even brush it, even though I went out to eat. I just don't care. Putting up my daily facade at work is all I have to do to pretend. Meaningless conversations, words that don't matter. Pretending to survive, pretending in order to die. Life has no meaning, nothing that holds any appeal. Wandering in this skin I call me, not living, dying, just am. Thoughts wander, eyes betray my "happiness". No one will notice the slow death of me, no one will notice the light going out of my eyes at the fake laughter. No one gets close, everyone fades to the background, and I die.

OMFG

I am so tired...holy shit. I had so much fun yesterday...omg...

Me and Jen went to Target for awhile, then we went to eat at Burger King (speaking of food, I'm starving), then we went to rent a movie. We rented Bridget Jones's Diary....on the way back to her house, she says "Hey, it's not morning anymore, we can start drinkin!" I looked at the clock and it's quarter after 12, and I go "Ya, it's 5:00 somewhere!" lol. Then when we get back to her house, I have a beer, then we start the movie. After about half an hour, I'm like I'm thirsty, so we go out to the garage and she gets some Captain Silver and some Diet Vanilla Pepsi, and we have some of that...I drank it really fast and Jen goes "Geez, you're drinking that too fast." And I'm like "No, the ice is melting too fast." (Ya know you're a drunk when you say something like that! lol....) So we put in another movie (Dirty Dancing Havana Nights) and we have another glass of that...and I'm starving so I eat about half a pizza and some chips n salsa (plus some carrots and potatoes). After that, I take a nap (or try to) then at about 8 we went over to her neighbors house and I downed a beer.

OMFG it was so hilarious. So we're out in Dennis's garage, when his cell rings. He answers it and there's this guy asking for Scooter. Dennis says "This is Scooter" and the guys like no its not. So he passes the phone to this chick and she says shes Scooter...the guys like no its not this is a GIRL....so she passes the phone back to Dennis who says that Scooter's passed out in the back yard. This guy tells him to tell Scooter that he's gonna dick slap his wife and something about sticking it in dirt or some shit like that...I guess the guy was totally wasted. We got a good laugh about that one....

So then at about 9:40 we left to go to a birthday party. Krystal, Jen's friend, it was her sisters 18th birthday and they were having a girl's only party....so we're on this one road making a left turn onto another road, while Jen's eating pizza, and she makes a bad turn. Well, there was a cop on the road we were turning onto and HE was turning onto the road we just got off of. Well, he spun right around and started following us. I was like Fuck. Cuz I knew that I'd been drinking, and so had Jen (but it wasn't much, only one beer in the last 2 hours...I have no idea how much would still be in me). I told her that was a cop and she's like oh fuck and she started to flip out. She got herself so wound up and hysterical. I'm like, Jen, he's only following us, you're not in trouble unless he turns on his lights...he followed us for like 10 minutes. Well, all the girls at this party were under age, so she didn't wanna lead him to them, so she's like we're going to Coburns (a grocery store) and then we're going straight home. I'm like, Jen, he's probably only following you that close to intimidate you into making a mistake so he CAN pull you over. So she calmed down a little after that...then at this one stop sign he turned off away from us, thank god. Jen was scared shitless, she started crying. She said "we can go but I'm not drinking another drop" and I'm like ok. When we got there, we decided we were gonna spend the night, so she started drinkin.

I got so wasted, holy shit, I have no idea how many I had. I know I had 4 Mike's Hard Lemonade, but I don't know how many beers. Well, when we first got there, I downed like 2 or 3, but I lost count early on. But I had so much fun, omg. We played a drinking game, and I had no idea what was going on, but I drank a lot. Oh, something about if you didn't have the right cards to lay down, you had to pass and drink. Then after I'd had enough to drink, I started dancing a little. I was like, I can't dance, but....At one point I was sitting on the couch, and they're like, come on Crystal...so I was like ok, and went out to the middle and started dancing. And theyre all like Go Crystal go Crystal....ya, that was fun. Then Cotton Eyed Joe (or whatever that song is) came on and I danced to that and omg I got so dizzy and I was laughing so hard, I didn't even know where I was. Then we played another drinking game. I was sitting on a chair I was sharing with Jen, I have no idea how I got there. They were all talking, it was so loud, I have no idea what anyone was saying. They tried to explain what was going on, but I didn't get it, I was so spaced out, had no idea what was going on around me. I was on the Cool Team. It was every other person at the table, and I had to drink so much that I ran out of my Mike's, so someone had to get me another beer, I took the cap off and turned to throw it in the garbage. Well, I still had my beer in my hand and ended up spilling some of it on Krystal, who was sitting next to me. Stacey goes "Crystal, have you been drinking? I haven't seen you drink all night." And Krystal goes, "She's been drinking all night" Well, the last drink I took, omg. I started to feel sick, and I thought If I drink just another sip, I'll puke. Thank god that was the last drink of the game...Cool Team lost, evidently, I think. I peed like 20 times. Right after the game, I peed, finished my beer, then went out to the living room and passed out on the couch. But I was half concious...I could hear the music and loud noises, but I couldn't hear what people were saying. I woke up and asked for some water, cuz I knew I couldn't drink anymore. I don't remember who, but someone told me that I said "OMG" and fell onto the couch and passed out. I did that like 5 times, just fell on the couch and passed out. They put in The Prince and Me and I wanted to watch it, but I was just so tired I watched like 5 mintues of it and passed out.

And I'm so tired right now I'm gonna go to sleep.....and my nose hurts.