May 19, 2005
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So ya…I haven’t had a computer almost all week cuz of the move. Now we’re back to dial up and it sucks. Hopefully we’ll get broadband through the cable soon.
Nothing new in the world of me….
I silently cry in front of you. You take no notice at my pleas for help. You go about your business and I go about mine. I can’t focus, everything’s blurry. Please make this ride stop. I’m in the tea cup and spinning out of control. Please come and save me before I die in this whirling torture. Why did I get on this ride? If only someone will come and stop it for me. Spinning spinning spinning, never stopping. Faster faster faster. Everything’s such a blur and I can’t stop. I don’t know what’s going on around me and all the faces blend together in the carnival ride from hell. People leer and laugh, pointing. A voice comes through the loud speakers: “Has anyone ever touched you in these inappropriate places?” It echos and echos forever. Tears spill as I cry and spin yet faster. My young mind can’t take it and I’m stuck here in this void. Everyone laughs at the voice, everyone laughs as my tears fly. What happened to me? Why can’t I remember? Faded and blurred memories make me scream at the top of my lungs but no one hears. Music and laughter blend together in the blur of this life. Please let me off this ride, I think I’m gonna be sick. Hiding in the dark closet, listening to the witch threaten with a knife. She’s going to kill me soon, I know it. Fear grabs hold and I can’t breathe, can’t breathe, can’t breathe. The loudness comes back to me now as I open my eyes and see more and more blurred faces gathering, laughing at me. Is it possible for this to go faster? Trying to spin out my memories, spin out my life, trying to forget. The drunken nights of screaming and fear aren’t easily erasable. Trying with all my might, not letting go of this ride. Tears and blood mix together as the ride forever spins. Always alone but always watched.
wandering alone
in this desert
needing water to survive
but finding none
I scream at the top of my lungs and silence. The echoing of my heartbeat. Darkness. Fear. Am I awake from this nightmare? Alone and crying, crying and alone. No one understands how I feel. No one can possible know. Awake yet dreaming, dreaming yet awake. When will it end?
I can’t sleep. I’ve tried but I can’t. FUCK IT.
