May 8, 2005
-
I just spent all day with my sister, Rachel. I drove the hour and 15 minutes and spent all day at her house…I don’t even know how to begin to explain how I feel by that visit. Sad, depressed, guilty…..let me explain….
Last night, I was at Jen’s house drinkin a few beers when my dad called to tell me that we got this townhouse that we’d looked at and really liked…so I called my step dad to tell him that I was moving and asked him if he could drive my bed from there up here….so we started talking about Rachel, and then I called her, but she wasn’t home. I talked with her step mom, Brenda, about her, asked how she was doing….I guess she’s in counseling and taking medication for what mom’s done to her….On Christmas, they made plans to drop Rachel off at mom’s….well, when they got there, no one was home, just when they were about to leave, mom got home, and Mark (my sister’s dad) went in to talk to her. Evidently, she was saying all this shit about how she didn’t want her there, she didn’t want her and blah blah blah. Then the last time, my sister talked to mom was over the phone. Rachel told mom how she felt, that she didn’t want her to do drugs, she didn’t want her to drink, and all this. Well, I guess mom attacked her, saying that her life has been a living hell since Rachel had been born, and all this. So Rachel cuts up her ankle really bad….she showed me the scars today. I asked Brenda if she could tell Rachel that I called, and left her the my number….about 10 minutes or so later, Rach calls me back and we talk for a few minutes, and I tell her that I have my license now, so she tells me that I should come visit her tomorrow, so we make plans…..I got there this morning a little after 9 in the morning and left at 15 to 10. She let me read her diary…omg. The saddest thing I’ve ever read in my life….thank god she was in the shower cuz I cried…..it was horrible. I felt this overwhelming guilt because I had no idea the extent of my mother’s damages to her, I had no idea what was going on, I wasn’t there for her when I should have been cuz she needed me. She got her belly button peirced, and it looks really cute. We didn’t do much all day, just hung out, watched movies, talked, cuddled, just like the old days *tear*
I’m tired.
