Hey whaddup?

Yeah, nothin much here. I'm full....I just ate some Super Taco Pizza...yummy. I gots some monies today! whoot whoot.

I wanna go shopping.

Talked to Jen last night while watching Idol...yeppers.

I slept all night long without waking up!!! yay!!! AND, it's Thursday today. So that means tomorrow is payday for me and my dad pays me back today because it's HIS payday TODAY. So what whatcha think bout that?....hahaha. Gotta go in about five minutes....I hadda hour long lunch yesterday....holiday party at work ya know.....kinda boring. But hey, it was a half hour that I didn't have to work, so it was ok for me.....

Saw is one fucked up movie, holy shit.

OH!!! I just heard what else they're doing with the MOA...they're putting in a casino. I think they wanna get rid of the people who are competeing with the biggest mall in america title....so yeah. Off to work in about 10 minutes....yay.

Off to work in about 5 minutes.....yeeeaaahhhhh fun, right? HA! right....

Frozen

She smiles
Her face is blue
Her tears are frozen
Her blue eyes stare
Stare straight into yours
They’re so cold
Frozen in time
Wide open
She can see through you
Into your soul
You marvel at her beauty
But you’re vulnerable
Because she can
See right through you
New tears run down for you
They freeze
She is so cold
But she cares for you
You shiver in the cold air
You can’t help but stare
Stare at her frozen beauty
And her blue face smiles
While her tears freeze

Simple Plan

"Welcome To My Life"

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

Yeah, this song just came on the radio. Good song. Wallowing in self pity right now.

I've been on Xanga for 495 days. And what do I have to show for it?...nothing, that's the point. I have no friends cuz "I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me" yeeeeaaahhh...just stick that knife a little deeper in my heart...that's the spot. I have no self esteem and I have a horrible personality with no one here to help me. I cry, no one hears, I scream, no one listens. I can't do it by myself.

Dying roses remind me of dried blood on white carpet. There's a happy Valentine thought for ya.

*EDIT*

So my life sucks. So I wallow in self pity all the time. So I wander in the aloneness of my thoughts. No one to talk to. I haven't really talked to anyone in seven months. No deep talking, no therapy sessions, nothing. Only "Hey." "How was your weekend?" "Fine." I'm fine" "I'm just peachy" "I'm doin just fine" "fine fine fine" Fine is something you say when you're not but you know that person doesn't want you to go into detail of your sucky life. So, henceforth, I am fine.

I remember...

...when you stabbed me in the back, then in the heart
...when my mom beat me
...when you said we're friends but we're not
...when you said you were here for me, but you're not
...when I cried
...when you said nothing to me
...when you saw I was depressed, but said nothing because you don't care
...when I cried out for help, but you didn't listen
...when we fought
...when you said you loved me, but you don't
...when you killed my soul and murdered my spirit
...when you said you'd die for me...I'm dying but you're not

Do you know that girl who you work with? The one you talk to every day and laugh and joke with? Well, she killed herself today. And the young teen who lives down the street from you? She OD'd today. You remember that lovely young person you loved and lost...and lost contact with? Well, that person died in a car accident today. The person you see every week at the grocery store? The one you go to every time, the one who always has a big smile waiting just for you? Well, they drank themselves to death the other day. The homeless person you pass by every day, begging for change? They died of starvation yesterday, in an abandonded warehouse, all alone. The family next door, you know them? Yeah, you BBQ'd last weekend with them. That man beats his wife and kids. That man who died at the hands of a terrorist, that young man you sent off to fight for a cause, that baby who died of shaken baby syndrome....
The world is a cruel place.

That's it. Reggie Fowler's buying the Vikings for $600 million...let's see what that looks like with all the zeros behind it: $600,000,000.00. Hmm. That's a lotta ching. I don't get it cuz Glen Taylor, owner of the Timberwolves, offered $625 million, and he actually has the money. Fowler is worth $400 million. What's he gonna do for the team? He can't afford to buy the talent we need. He lives in Arizona, for Christ's sake. I mean, what's he gonna do from there? Taylor's local. wtfe. And McCombs bought the team for $246 mil in '98. And now the team's worth 6 mil....ain't life fuckin grand.

I'm going to say Happy Valentin's Day, even though I hate this holiday with a passion. I don't have a Valentine, so naturally I hate it. And everyone fuckin hates me so whatever.

So, life still sucks, but now I have a puter and the net. So whoot. Right now, I'm using aol until we get our dsl goin...yeah. Nice, huh? I thought so too.

My mother came over last night. She spent the night. The whole visit felt really weird to me. I didn't want her here. It was weird that she spent the night. She's crazy.

Do you remember when everything was so simple? I don’t. I can’t remember when I was ever care free....I suppose I was as a child, but I can’t remember when I was younger. Only fleeting memories of a simpler and honest time, which don’t add up to anything anyway.