Hey how's it goin? I finished reading a Dean Koontz book before I went to bed. Then I hadda nightmare this morning right before I woke up. Nice, huh? Thought so. I went to bed at about 11:30. Kinda late, I know. But I woke up fine this morning, so whatever. Well, gotta go get ready for work...
And oh yeah.
I have a lotta words floating through my head right now...poetry. I only wish I had the time to write it out. I'll probably lose them by the time I get home.
This is my profile pic that I edited....
I dunno how good anyone can read it...but it says:
You drag this blade across my skin
I cry
My tears mean nothing to you
why?
Blood guts and scars
Mine aren't visible
Does that mean mine don't matter?
Tear open my insides and bleed me dry
For your own amusement
Make me cry
Abuse me
Cut me open and bleed me dry
And gnight....I'll talk to all of you tomorrow....
I wrote this about a year ago:
Sadness and fear grow like a wild rose bush. Love shrinks.
The roses here are not red. They are black. See the little girl there? She is but five years old. Her hair is long, ragged, snarled. It’s brown, and goes to the middle of her back. Do you see the wind snatch it and twirl it around? Her shirt is black, ripped, too small. Do you see her ribs sticking out? She’s wearing a pair of blue jean shorts. There are frays from where they were cut off. Do you see her white stick legs?
Do you hear that thunder? It’s so angry. Do you see the black sky? It starts to rain tears.
Are you looking back at the little girl now? Do you see her bend a rose off the bush? She holds it in her hand. Do you see the thorns pierce her skin? Do you see the blood? She turns her face toward you now. Are you locking eyes with her? Her eyes are blue, the bluest eyes you will ever see. They hold you, never letting you go. Do you see the tears of blood running down her pale face? Do you see the never ending pain in her blue eyes?
Do you see her in your mind, standing next to the black rose bush? Do you scream for her, telling her to put the rose down? Do you start to run for her? But do you feel how your feet are glued to the ground? Do you stretch out your hand to her? Do you yell at her, telling her to come to you? Can you yell over the wind rain and thunder? Are you crying for her?
No matter what you say, she cannot hear you. She just holds your eyes captive, ever wavering or letting you go. She stands just feet from you, but you cannot reach her. Are you still crying for her?
This little girl is me. Can you see it in your mind?
I changed it about a week ago:
Sadness and fear grow like a wild rose bush. Love shrinks.
The roses here are not red; they are black. There’s a little girl standing near the rose bush, you can see her side, but not her face. She is but five years old. Her hair is long and unkempt. It’s brown and goes to the middle of her back. Do you see the wind snatch it and twirl it around? Behind her, there’s a party. People; laughing, drinking, whispering, dancing and flirting . . . paying her no mind. Your attention goes back to the little girl, this poor creature. You observe her clothes: a black t-shirt which is ripped and too small - can you see her ribs sticking out? - and a pair of blue jean shorts, where frays show where they were cut off. Do you see her white stick legs. You feel like taking her into your arms and protecting this young girl.
Do you hear that thunder? It’s so angry . . . angry at the injustice of this young girl. You look at the sky and see equally angry dark black clouds. It starts to rain tears . . . and the party continues without a care.
You look back at the little girl now, the mystery of a girl. She bends a rose off the bush and holds it in her hand. Fiercely clenched in her hand, the thorns pierce her skin. Her innocence flows out with her rich, warm blood. Her arm holding the rose at the level of her waist, while the other arm hangs motionlessly at her side. Do you see her blood, running down her fist, onto her arm, and drip to the ground? After staring at the rose for what feels to you the longest time, her gaze turns toward you, her body still faced away. Are you locking eyes with her? Her eyes are blue, the bluest of eyes you will ever see. They hold you, never letting you go. Do you see the tears of blood running down her pale face? Do you see the never ending pain in her blue eyes?
Do you see her in your mind, standing next to the black rose bush? You also will notice that the party behind her has gotten louder, the laughter more garish, and still, no one but you notices her. Do you scream for her, telling her to put the rose down? Do you try to run for her? But, you will notice that your feet are glued to the ground and for some reason unknown to you, you cannot move toward her. Do you stretch out your hand to her? Although you stand only feet from her, you cannot reach her. She’s so close, yet too far away. Do you yell at her, telling her to come to you? Can you yell over the wind rain and thunder? Are you crying for her?
No matter what you say, she cannot hear you. She just holds your eyes captive, never wavering or letting you go. The laughter behind you has begun to mock you. They know what you try to do and jeer you for it. They point and stare at you, but you don’t care. You still try, but still you cannot reach her. Are you still crying for her?
I think I'm going to keep this layout for awhile. It suits my mood. Dark and depressing. I stayed up almost all night talking. I was in this chat room, and about 10 people tried talking to me all at the same time. Only 3 of those people lived in the us. The other 7 were from India. I didn't understand what they were trying to say. I went to bed at like 5 or 5:30. Woke up at about 10 or so.
Evidently, I'm severly fucked up. But OoO I have a stalker....scary. Someone kept calling me Thursday night, and I dunno who it was. They had a blocked number.
Rusty wasn't at work on Friday. I missed him....dangerous. I have this really cute picture of two tigers from Florida 5 years ago. Wow does time fly. It's already the middle/end of February. Went to PI today. yeah, good ol Pine Island. The Pines got bought by someone else...and now it looks sad. I guess they're working on fixing it up and stuff, so it's not open yet. I'm guessing that they'll also change the name to something else. But I don't understand why they would even bother. PI is a dying town. Half the people that live there are old and dying. Sure, families are moving there fast, but just as fast, graduates are moving out to bigger and better things. Young people these days don't wanna live in small towns. Well, I guess I should say that most of them don't.
Eyore!! I love Eyore! I am Eyore. I have a Christmas stocking of him. Rach has Tigger and Tay has Pooh. I miss Rachel.
I wanna fly away. Some day I'll fly away.....
All I do is dream. I guess I live in a state of perpetual dreaming, never seeing anything for what it really is. Is the world really as bad as I think it is? Probably not. I think everyone hates their lives, maybe secretly, maybe everyone knows. Do I really have the power to change the outlook I have on my own life? Am I really worth anything? I really don't believe I am. I can't remember anything that's happened to me. Like I'm viewing my own life through a dirty window. I can kind of see what's going on, but can't really graspt it. Events go into my memory then go on through again.
Do I need someone to hold me and tell me everything's gonna be okay someday just wait you'll see? Do I need a good thump on the head to be knocked back into my life? I have no one to talk to about how I feel. It's been a downward spiral for months, and now I'm starting to think that maybe I'll never get out. Days go by so fast, I have no idea where the time goes. I can't remember what I do on a day to day basis. Contrary to belief, I don't only think about myself. I'm always thinking about other people. At work, I comfort those who need to be comforted, make people laugh when they need it, have a smile, a joke, and a laugh ready and waiting for whoever should come along. But...no one does it for me. If I'm having a visably bad day, no one makes me feel better, nothing. No one wants to listen. I guess everyone's too busy with their own problems to listen to someone else's woes. But at some point, I'm going to completely break down. I'm almost at the nervous breakdown part. I might need to go to some kind of mental hospital or something. In my experiences, those people give me pills and tell me that I need to take them and I'll feel better......it's my life that depresses me, not a chemical in balance. I need to talk to someone, but no one understands. More and more, I find myself in a Fuck It attitude.
Like right now: FUCK IT.
Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?
Oh you get me ready in your 56 chevy
Why don't we go sit down in the shade
Take shelter on my front porch
The dandy lion sun scorching,
Like a glass of cold lemonade
I will do laundry if you pay all the bills
CHORUS:
Where is my John Wayne
Where is my prairie song
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the cowboys gone
Why don't you stay the evening
Kick back and watch the TV
And I'll fix a little something to eat
Oh I know your back hurts from working on the tractor
How do you take your coffee my sweet
I will raise the children if you pay all the bills
Chorus
I am wearing my new dress tonight
But you don't, but you don't even notice me
Say our goodbyes
Say our goodbyes
Say our goodbyes
We finally sell the chevy
When we had another baby
And you took the job in tennessee
You made friends at the farm
And you joined them at the bar
Almost every single day of the week
Chorus
I will wash the dishes while you go have a beer
Where is my Marlboro man
Where is his shiny gun
Where is my lonely ranger
Where have all the cowboys gone
Yippee aw, yippee yea (3 times)
Hmmm. So, cars are just not meant to be....
This morning, the car doors are frozen shut. My dad gets the doors open. Then, guess what happens. The car doors won't open!! When I'm in there! So, I get a little clausterphobic when I think I can't get out of small, enclosed spaces. I'm ok with small spaces, it's just that when I think I can't get out, then I start to freak out, like I did this morning. I started hypervenitlating, and I was shaking really bad. I've never shaked like this before, it was scary. I was on the brink of losing complete control when I forced myself to calm down and breathe. So, yay, did that...got the door unstuck (well, my dad did).
THEN....today, my dad came home and said he didn't pick up Ashley. Okay. We go to the store, then go pick her up in the other car. Well, we just left Ashley's when DUN DUN DUN!!....the fan stops working. Hmmm. A couple miles later, the headlights look a little dim, as do the dashboard lights. (Anyone know what's going on yet?) So yeah...we're driving along....guess what!!! THE BATTERY'S DEAD. We went through eons of stoplights on a dead battery...dunno how we made it home...it was a miracle. I'm surprised we made it home, with no headlights, no dashboard lights, the engine light flashing and the air bag light flashing. We just barely made it into the driveway, it almost stalled a few times and a few close calls there....hadda drive with the window open, having turned off the thinger to save what little battery juice we had...and it's COLD in MN in the winter time....
Yeah. I think me and my dad and vehicles just don't work......
Lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Have brought me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead
Singing
Come out of things unsaid
Shoot an apple off my head
And a trouble that can't be named
A tiger's waiting to be tamed
Singing
You are
You are
Confusion that never stops
The closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop, that you now know
Singing come out upon my seas
Curse missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease
Singing
you are, you are
You are, you are
You are, you are
You are, you are
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
You are, you are
Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go (you are)
Home, home where I wanted to go (you are)
So yeah, how yall like my new colors? I like em. So Holly and I get along cuz we have something in common: we both have messed up moms and messed up lives. So yay to us! By the way, my profile pic is me, Rachel (the blonde) and Taylor (the little one), who are my sisters. It's with Pluto at Disneyworld in the year 2000. That time, my mom went with. When we went 2 years ago and my mom didn't go. But that's all right I guess.
Anyway, I worked my ass off today. Cindy was proud of me. I told her that when it's a challange, I WILL kick ass. But when it's slower and everything, I get bored cuz it's not hard. So yeah.
