February 25, 2005

  • No one understands. Everyone tells me that I’m young and still have a lot of life to live. But I don’t wanna live if this is what life’s all about. I’m in such a dark place right now. Well, not right now, but at this point in my life.


    Rusty made me laugh today at lunch. I had one of the best days today I’ve had in awhile because Rusty made me laugh. Even though the day was boring, lunch was entertaining. He always has stories to tell. Nothing happened today. I was doing the same thing all day long, packing the same orders. It was so boring, but then lunch came around and I felt a little better. Rusty asked me if I felt better because I laughed, and I lied, I told him no. I don’t know why I lied. I don’t like lying, I hate it. But I lie to myself all the time, so that doesn’t make much sense. But I guess I don’t lie to other people…..at least, I try not to. I don’t understand myself. I contradict myself all the time. I’m so confused.


    Is this some sort of identity crisis? Because I have no idea what I think or feel about a lot of things. Like I don’t have a religion or faith I believe in. I don’t know. I try and be positive, I really do, but it just doesn’t work. I can make other people believe I’m a happy person. A while ago, Cindy told me that she’s never seen me without a smile on my face. But always, deep down, I’ve always been alone and unhappy. I’ve had so many people tell me that I have a wonderful personality. I just don’t believe it. My self esteem is just so low and I have no idea how it got there. It has to have something to do with the fact that I always moved around growing up and never really felt like I belonged anywhere. I’ll bet anyone that when I move out and get out on my own, I’ll move all the time. It’ll be habit and all I’ve ever known, so that’s what I’ll do. I’d bet my life on it, although my life isn’t of much value to me. Is every entry I make in here the same? Am I stuck at being boring and monotenous?


     


     


    PLEASE


    you laughed when i told you i was leaving
    you knocked me down and i cried
    you kicked me, screamed that i was a moron
    i cant survive on my own without you
    of course youre right
    i need you to beat me and talk down on me
    i need your reassurance every day that im nothing
    i love you with all my heart
    when we first went out
    you were so nice to me
    gave me chocolate and flowers
    held my hand and kissed me
    then you saw my weakness
    my need to be abused
    you knew i needed it
    its all ive ever known and
    i need it now
    please punch me and kick me
    please yell and scream at me
    but please put down that knife
    you know id never leave you
    you know that i love you
    please dont cut me
    please dont spill my dark blood on this white carpet
    dont kill me
    you need me like i need you
    you mean everything to me please dont do this
    i love you so much
    please put down that knife
    stop cutting me
    PLEASEPUTDOWNTHATKNIFE
    YOUNEEDMEYOUCANTKILLME
    PLEASELISTENTOME
    YOUWONTGETAWAYWITHTHIS
    PLEEEEEAAASSSEEEEEEE-

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