February 20, 2005

• Evidently, I’m severly fucked up. But OoO I have a stalker….scary. Someone kept calling me Thursday night, and I dunno who it was. They had a blocked number.

  
  

  Rusty wasn’t at work on Friday. I missed him….dangerous. I have this really cute picture of two tigers from Florida 5 years ago. Wow does time fly. It’s already the middle/end of February. Went to PI today. yeah, good ol Pine Island. The Pines got bought by someone else…and now it looks sad. I guess they’re working on fixing it up and stuff, so it’s not open yet. I’m guessing that they’ll also change the name to something else. But I don’t understand why they would even bother. PI is a dying town. Half the people that live there are old and dying. Sure, families are moving there fast, but just as fast, graduates are moving out to bigger and better things. Young people these days don’t wanna live in small towns. Well, I guess I should say that most of them don’t.

  
  

  Eyore!! I love Eyore! I am Eyore. I have a Christmas stocking of him. Rach has Tigger and Tay has Pooh. I miss Rachel.

  
  

  I wanna fly away. Some day I’ll fly away…..

  
  

  All I do is dream. I guess I live in a state of perpetual dreaming, never seeing anything for what it really is. Is the world really as bad as I think it is? Probably not. I think everyone hates their lives, maybe secretly, maybe everyone knows. Do I really have the power to change the outlook I have on my own life? Am I really worth anything? I really don’t believe I am. I can’t remember anything that’s happened to me. Like I’m viewing my own life through a dirty window. I can kind of see what’s going on, but can’t really graspt it. Events go into my memory then go on through again.

  
  

  Do I need someone to hold me and tell me everything’s gonna be okay someday just wait you’ll see? Do I need a good thump on the head to be knocked back into my life? I have no one to talk to about how I feel. It’s been a downward spiral for months, and now I’m starting to think that maybe I’ll never get out. Days go by so fast, I have no idea where the time goes. I can’t remember what I do on a day to day basis. Contrary to belief, I don’t only think about myself. I’m always thinking about other people. At work, I comfort those who need to be comforted, make people laugh when they need it, have a smile, a joke, and a laugh ready and waiting for whoever should come along. But…no one does it for me. If I’m having a visably bad day, no one makes me feel better, nothing. No one wants to listen. I guess everyone’s too busy with their own problems to listen to someone else’s woes. But at some point, I’m going to completely break down. I’m almost at the nervous breakdown part. I might need to go to some kind of mental hospital or something. In my experiences, those people give me pills and tell me that I need to take them and I’ll feel better……it’s my life that depresses me, not a chemical in balance. I need to talk to someone, but no one understands. More and more, I find myself in a Fuck It attitude.

  
  

  Like right now: FUCK IT.

  • 1:15 am
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