So, I'm going to be in the cage for the drive. With Holly and Mary. I like that, because I don't wanna be out in the middle of everything. Today was a bad day. I was frusturated most of the day...and angry.

But then the end of the work day came, and then I was in a better mood. I went with Holly to get her hair done after work. She got it colored this weekend and they fixed it for free today. So I met her stylist and we talked about my hair and what I wanted to do with it and she gave me some ideas and her card. So I might get my hair done professionally done this time...I dunno. But I know I wanna get it cut. Right now it's kinda long...for me anyway. I like my hair short.

So then we went back to my house and got the battery to my car so we could get it tested....(thats a long story). So on the way to my house then on the way to Batteries Plus, we talked. And I found out that Holly's going through the same stuff I am right now. She told me that if I ever need to talk, she'd listen because she understands. She's been through more than I have.

And I was talking to Joe, he said he'd be right back, then he signed off. So whatever. I think he hates me.

So ya. Just had dinner, spaghetti. yummy!!!! I love spaghetti. So ya...thats all for now....talk to yall later....

Mmmm...I talked to Joe for awhile tonight. He doesn't hate me either. I went to the online Dell store and figured out it's gonna be about $1,272 (thats not including tax and there's free shipping). So, I'm saving for that. I'll have it in....I'd say....4 or 5 months...giving myself some time here.....well anyways....gonna go to bed now....seeya

So hey, hows it goin? I'm fine, I guess. See my pretty layout?? It's so pretty!!!!! yay!!!! lol. well, im going to take a nap cuz i stayed up really late last night....

I cried today. I feel like such a loser.

So, last night I couldn't sleep. I watched Monster. That was a really good movie. But it was so sad....I cried a couple times. I forgot it was a true story until I saw the comments at the end.

Then I talked to Tim for a couple hours. I don't remember how long. But I went to sleep at about 5 or something. I don't even remember. Anyway, going to meet my grandparents for breakfast....talk to yall later.

This took forever to make. I dunno why.

No one understands. Everyone tells me that I'm young and still have a lot of life to live. But I don't wanna live if this is what life's all about. I'm in such a dark place right now. Well, not right now, but at this point in my life.

Rusty made me laugh today at lunch. I had one of the best days today I've had in awhile because Rusty made me laugh. Even though the day was boring, lunch was entertaining. He always has stories to tell. Nothing happened today. I was doing the same thing all day long, packing the same orders. It was so boring, but then lunch came around and I felt a little better. Rusty asked me if I felt better because I laughed, and I lied, I told him no. I don't know why I lied. I don't like lying, I hate it. But I lie to myself all the time, so that doesn't make much sense. But I guess I don't lie to other people.....at least, I try not to. I don't understand myself. I contradict myself all the time. I'm so confused.

Is this some sort of identity crisis? Because I have no idea what I think or feel about a lot of things. Like I don't have a religion or faith I believe in. I don't know. I try and be positive, I really do, but it just doesn't work. I can make other people believe I'm a happy person. A while ago, Cindy told me that she's never seen me without a smile on my face. But always, deep down, I've always been alone and unhappy. I've had so many people tell me that I have a wonderful personality. I just don't believe it. My self esteem is just so low and I have no idea how it got there. It has to have something to do with the fact that I always moved around growing up and never really felt like I belonged anywhere. I'll bet anyone that when I move out and get out on my own, I'll move all the time. It'll be habit and all I've ever known, so that's what I'll do. I'd bet my life on it, although my life isn't of much value to me. Is every entry I make in here the same? Am I stuck at being boring and monotenous?

PLEASE

you laughed when i told you i was leaving
you knocked me down and i cried
you kicked me, screamed that i was a moron
i cant survive on my own without you
of course youre right
i need you to beat me and talk down on me
i need your reassurance every day that im nothing
i love you with all my heart
when we first went out
you were so nice to me
gave me chocolate and flowers
held my hand and kissed me
then you saw my weakness
my need to be abused
you knew i needed it
its all ive ever known and
i need it now
please punch me and kick me
please yell and scream at me
but please put down that knife
you know id never leave you
you know that i love you
please dont cut me
please dont spill my dark blood on this white carpet
dont kill me
you need me like i need you
you mean everything to me please dont do this
i love you so much
please put down that knife
stop cutting me
PLEASEPUTDOWNTHATKNIFE
YOUNEEDMEYOUCANTKILLME
PLEASELISTENTOME
YOUWONTGETAWAYWITHTHIS
PLEEEEEAAASSSEEEEEEE-

I'm still half asleep right now. I'm sooooo tired and I don't wanna go to work.

The Pope is dying. Ask me if I care.

Actually, he's having issues. It's my opinion that he's dying. That flu thing a couple weeks ago was probably a cover up for something more serious.