October 11, 2004

• So how does everyone like my new colors?? I like em. Well, I’m at the library again. I wish I can come here every day…but yeah right. At least I can vent out some frustrations right now….

  
  

  My back hurts soooo bad. But I went to work today. It was a good time. I ate lunch with Katie (Moose) and Jerry. What a coupla funny people….Katie really reminds me of Ashley…my (ex…I guess) friend. She’s hilarious. N I like working fulltime for Archway….I gotta 50 cent raise when I started that on Thursday…so now I make $8.75 an hour and in a month I get benefits….they’re really good benefits too….dental, vision, overall healthcare. As good as they come. But even with benefits, healthcare is still expensive. $10 copay every time you go and drugs cost $10-20. I did a report on healthcare last year. It’s outrageous how much a crock a shit it is. drug companies make billions of dollars every year. That’s horseshit….we pay way too much for our drugs here in the good ol US of A.

  
  

  But I do love fall colors here in MN. It’s so beautiful….just absolutely gorgeous! reds oranges yellows….soooo pretty!!! I wish I had a camera. And then in the winter when there’s ice storms and ice on the trees. Pretty to look at from inside the nice warm house but too damn cold outside for me. Sooooooo B-E-A-U-tiful!!!

  
  

  Me and my dad don’t get along very well. We argue all the time. I’m a bitch. I feel myself get out of control all the time. I scream and yell and throw things….just like my mother. I try to control myself, but it’s very hard. I usually just lock myself in my room and not talk to anyone unless I have to.

  
  

  Speaking of my mother, I had a dream last night where she killed me. I was in this discount store with a cart getting things when it all of a sudden turned into an ultra secret private detective thing. Rachel was with me and an older woman and an older man. We were in this car that stopped at this old building cuz the old lady in the car was talking on the phone. The building was cement that was painted white…the white was chipped off in a lot of places, leaving a grayish color. Rachel and I got out of the car…it was a red van, actually. And she started running and she said “I bet you can’t catch me!” So I ran after her. We ran around the building. I lost sight of her around the second corner. When I got back to the front of the building, the building had changed. It was a better white and it looked more like a house. Before it looked like an old office building. Rachel was sitting down at this picnic table. And she looked younger…about when she was 9 and she was a model….she had her hair in pigtails like she did in this one picture. She looked 6, like she did in the picture. Taylor was with her, and someone else, I don’t remember who. My mom came out of the building with a pink cake with candles lit. She was smiling, everyone was singing happy birthday. I was still standing. Then the cake disappeared and my mom was holding a shot gun. She shot me…in the eye. There was a huge hole there. Then my alarm clock went off and I woke up.

  
  

   

  
  

  I figured something out. I know why I’m always tired. I have nightmares. Every night. So what my mind does, is go into a sleep that’s not deep enough for nightmares, which is NREM….or non REM (I’m sure everyone knows REM is rapid eye movement…right??). When I have nightmares, I toss and turn and I can’t sleep. So in NREM, I don’t get into a deep enough sleep for true rest. Even in NREM, I have night terrors, which are nightmares that you can’t remember, basically. So the nightmares, NREM, and night terrors are why I am so tired all the time. I will always be tired for the rest of my life. Sleeping pills don’t work, I already know that. Besides, sleeping pills are only for getting into a regular sleeping pattern, not to get you deep sleep. When you’re drugged for surgery, that’s not true sleep either…that’s a deeper level of unconciousness…there are several levels of unconciousness. REM is the best for true rest….and I will never get it because of my nightmares. I’m sure the memories from my childhood that I can’t remember are what makes my nightmares, I’m sure of it.

  
  

  But I’m lost in a bigger way. I don’t really know who I am. I don’t know what I believe in as far as religion or spirituality. That makes me feel very lost. I don’t know my past, that makes me lost. I am a very lost and confused individual. I need to do some soul searching.

  
  

  I was reading a book the other day and I realized, I mean, it hit me like WHAM!…. I have so much life to live. I have so much to go through and experience…it’s amazing. True, I’ve experienced far more than a lot of people my age have…but still, there’s a lot out there. Even in this shithole country, there’s so much opportunity here. Everyone says you can do whatever you put your mind to. I know I can do anything I choose….except for those things that require a talent that I do not posses. There’s just so much. It’s unreal. I don’t know what to do or what I’m going to do…..I need to think. But I’m too indecisive….I don’t know how to choose. Is this entry too long? Are you still with me? I don’t know if even I am still with me!!!

  
  

  Well, I guess I’ll go for now….chat with yall later….love ya miss ya!!

  • 6:41 pm
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