My favorite two songs right now: Somebody Told Me and Float On. I’m really loving the alternative stuff right now. I love the White Strips too….I love it! I can’t get enough of it…anyway…here they are….

The Killers

“Somebody Told Me”

Breaking my back just to know your name
Seventeen tracks and I’ve had it with this game
I’m breaking my back just to know your name
But heaven ain’t close in a place like this
Anything goes but don’t blink you might miss
Cause heaven ain’t close in a place like this
I said heaven ain’t close in a place like this
Bring it back down, bring it back down tonight
Never thought I’d let a rumour ruin my moonlight

Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It’s not confidential
I’ve got potential

Ready? Let’s roll onto something new
Taking its toll and I’m leaving without you

Cause heaven ain’t close in a place like this
I said heaven ain’t close in a place like this
Bring it back down, bring it back down tonight
Never thought I’d let a rumour ruin my moonlight

Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It’s not confidential
I’ve got potential
A rushin’, a rushin’ around

Pace yourself from me
I said maybe baby please
But I just don’t know now
When all I wanna do is try

[x3]
Somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It’s not confidential
I’ve got potential
A rushin’, a rushin’ around

Modest Mouse

Float On

I backed my car into a cop car the other day

Well he just drove off sometimes life’s ok

I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what can i say

Well you just laughed it off it was all ok

And we’ll all float on ok

And we’ll all float on ok

And we’ll all float on ok

And we’ll all float on any way well
Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with a scam

It was worth it just to learn from sleight-of-hand

Bad news comes don’t you worry even when it lands

Good news will work its way to all them plans

We both got fired on the exactly the same day

Well we’ll float on good news is on the way
And we’ll all float on ok

And we’ll all float on ok

And we’ll all float on ok

And we’ll all float on alright

Already we’ll all float on

Now don’t worry we’ll all float on

Alright already we’ll all float on

Alright don’t worry we’ll all float on
And we’ll all float on alright

Already we’ll all float on

Aliright don’t worry even if things end up a bit to heavy

we’ll all float on alright

Already we’ll all float on

Alright already we’ll all float on

Ok don’t worry we’ll all float on

Even if things get heavy we’ll all float on

Alright already we’ll all float on

Don’t you worry we’ll all float on

All float on

So, yesterday, I got off work early. I got off at 1…got home at 1:30. Took a nice long bath and cross stitched…I’m making a thinger of horses running in the surf with the crest of a wave to the left and the sunset and mountains in the background. It’s beautiful. I’m making it as a gift for someone who loves horses. My fucking nose is killing me right now!!! Itchy piece of shit!!!!

Anyway, my mom called my grandma to get my new number and she called me last week. And she said she’s come for lunch last Sunday. She didn’t. Then she had me call her yesterday and she told me to come over today. I did and she “wasn’t there.” That was a bold faced lie. Because I went to the apartment door and Malachi said “Just a moment.” Then he didn’t open the door and told me that my mom was doing errands and she wouldn’t be back for a few hours. He was obviously covering for her. I knew it the instant he came back and didn’t open the door. He had conferred with her to see if she wanted to see me. He sounded like he was a little fucked up with something…she was probably worse than he was. So whatever.

Anyway, got all my mail. Holy balls can they stuff shit in that little cubby hole in the po box there. Whatever.

Rusty was teasing me yesterday. I told him that he can stop popping his gum now. He’s a frickin popper, let me tell ya. So he leaned towards me and snapped it like 8 times….with this sly grin on his face. Then as I walked away, he popped it again and I looked back, he was grinning again….grr he was doing it just to get a rise outta me…didn’t work. All I did was laugh.

Nothing much else going on. I’m at my grandma’s house right now. Ash is at her mom’s house or a friend’s dunno which. I might get my Escort back. I don’t feel like explaining right now. We might be going to Barb’s house later. This is a full day of plans….

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ok so you know that song by Switchfoot…Dare You to Move? Or whatever it’s called? So, isn’t that a theme song for a new show? I could swear it is but I don’t know…if it is I need to know because it’s killing me…When I don’t know something like that it irks me….does anyone know?! ANYONE AT ALL?!?!?!?! pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssssse!!!!!!!!!!!

Ya know what? I hafta apologize! I am so so so SO sorry!!! I got my own phone number wrong!!! It’s 241, not 421!!! I’m sorry! Dennis, I left ya a message the other day, you didn’t get it? Oh well I guess.

A lot goin on with me. I’m finally makin some friends outside of work! Whoot for me. Jennifer, she’s awesome but I feel bad for her. She’s got 3 kids, two of them live with her and a jackass of a boyfriend. She knows that’s what I think cuz I told her last night. He walks all over her and bitches at her for stupid shit. He doesn’t work and expects Jen to take off work to bring her 5 year old son to get his hair cut. And he takes her shyness to full advantage. She tells him to leave all the time, but he doesn’t because he knows that she won’t actually do anything to him. Jen has 4 cute cuddly little kittens. Soooo pwetty!! I want one but my dad won’t let me. I might start selling PartyLite. If I can sell enough by May, I get to go on an all expense paid trip to Hawaii for four days. Airfare, hotel, meals….FUN!!! I wanna go…”wanna get away?” “YESSSSS!!!!!” And all kinds of other funess including nearly doubling my income (or more!)

hahaha

Otherwise, not much goin on in the world of me. Tired…last night was a late night for me. I usually go to bed around nine, but I didn’t get home last night until about ten. I was at a PartyLite party. It’s a fun time. I’m the hostess of a party on the 12th of November.

OOOOO. HALLOWEEN!!! At work we have a pumpkin carving contest, a costume contest, and a chili cook off. And a pot luck. You don’t have to bring food to eat it, I guess, which is nice. So free lunch. And we get a little extra time. My boss gave us our Labatt orders for tomorrow today, so we had more time for lunch. And the drive is coming up, in 2 weeks. It’s gonna be hella busy!! Woah buddy! Tons of things going on! Corky, whatta guy. I told him he’s been hangin round Jerry too long and heads nodded in agreement with me. Tomorrow I getta be a lawyer!! Whoot. No one will recognize me when I’m done getting ready, which will take me forever so I gotta wake up early early tomorrow. So fun fun there tomorrow.

Hmm anything else to talk about? Not right now. Right now I’m in the library. First time on a computer in nearly 2 weeks! Woooaaaahhhhhh there. hmmmm gotta go. Dennis n Jojo I’ll call ya….tonight maybe.

I’m sad. Very very sad right now.

I wanna cry. No tears.

I love these colors on my site. I’m at Barb’s house right now, a friend of our whole family. She cooks for us…the the most delicious food in the whole world. Soooo good…today we had carrots and taters that were cooked with chuck roast slow cooked in the oven. And we had the best salad in the world. It’s sooooo good..I love it! The sauce she uses for dressing is the best. You have no idea what I’m talking about until you’ve tried it! mmmmmmmmm

You know…I have the most beautiful eyes….sorry if I sound vain or egotistical, but it’s true! They are so blue! I love my eyes. They’re very blue with a ring of dark blue around the iris with a lighter blue filling in. In the middle, there’s a a circle of very light green that you can’t tell is there unless you look very very closely. Then there’s another ring of dark blue right next to the pupil. I use light pastel colors for eyeshadow..right now it’s very light green. Then I use black eyeliner on the edge of my eyelid and underneath my eye….so pretty. I know they are because I catch people staring at them all the time. When I swing my eyes around a room, I usually make eye contact with several people…which means they were already looking at my eyes before I looked around the room. If I don’t look away right away, the other person (usually of the male spieces) will look away first if I hold their eyes for too long. I always wonder what people are thinking when I catch them staring at my eyes. I take almost all my time with my eyes when I do my makeup in the morning.

I’m very well liked at work. People like me…Dawn misses me. I moved from Scott’s department to Judy’s. So now I pick lawyer stuff and beer stuff. Labatt (Inbev now, actuallY) and West. West is a law firm or something. They have tons of pamphlets on all sorts of interesting things. And they have some cool shit! They’ve got light up pens and extremely nice coffee mugs. FRED! You know, I’m on Yahoo right now and YOU’RE NOT!! WHAT is up with that?!?! Well whatever. Anyways, I love work. It’s fun! I get to go in the cage, which is a cage (DUH!) that’s locked and you can only get in with a special key…which I may have possession of whenever I may need it! I’m special…hehe. But in the cage are small items in the warehouse that could easily be stolen because of size or value. It’s kinda scary in there though because the lights are motion sensored so it’s dark in there until you move like right under the lights. And there SHOULD be cameras in there, but I don’t know if there is. But I love it there. And I love the people. Katie and Jerry (a major weirdo but funny in a perverse way) and Cory (affectionately named Corky by us) and Dawn (who is supposedly a bitch when she doesn’t like someone, so I’m glad she likes me) and Cindy and Mary and Jill and Ken and Dennis (a different Dennis…He tried to get Jason to let me stay and pack Vistakon the other day…but Jason said to go back to Cindy) and Linda (who’s a tough boss but a great person…not my boss though) and Jamie and Bob (“You can’t name a planet Bob!”) and everyone else. Everyone makes me laugh and everything. It’s good times. The people that I work with (Cindy, Mary, Jill, and Ken…boss is Judy) are kinda kooky, but that’s what makes it fun.

But I’m not okay. In the back of my mind is negative energy, no matter what. I hide it and I hide it well, but it’s eating at me. I read as much as I can to get away from myself. Reading provides such a wonderful getaway into lives that aren’t my own. And always a happy ending to keep me smiling. When I finally write a book, I’m going to make it an unhappy ending. I’m going to break the rules. It’s going to be a wonderful book full of pain and sadness and truth, a little happiness. I’m going to write a book that’s got a main character with a life like mine. It might even be about me. But it’s going to be so beautifully written and heart wrenching but so wonderful.

the cold wind bites me
bitter
the bare trees sway in the wind
in the dark
shadows dance under the moonlight
its so much colder with no clouds
the clouds keep the warmth
shivering
clutching my jacket
fear makes my imagination run wild
sacred hearts bleed
fingernails bitten to the quick
blood
scars
wounds
gashes
bone
numb
frozen in the recesses of my mind
the wind howels around me
i can’t get warm
stuck here
can’t move
fear
wasted love
discomfort
lost hopes shattered dreams wounded souls
screaming
lsot and confused
dazed
wondering
how to get out of here

I don’t know what that was. Just my mind flowing free.

A wasteland. The abandoned house provided shelter from the raging, howling, bitter cold wind and nothing more. Julie wondered when she’d have the strngth to get up, or if she would die here. It’s not like she would be missed. There would be a few people who would wonder of her whereabouts, but nothing more than a passing thought. Julie ruefully laughed, a bitter sound that turned into a coughing fit. When you lived on the streets, no once cared about anyone but themselves. It was a dogfight, may the best mutt win.
Her hair was unwashed and dirty. Dirt and filth streaked her face and skin, making her appear paler than she was. She was too thin, her ribcage sticking out. Her arms and legs were sticks. Her face was thin and hollow, her blue eyes dulled by the past years. Julie knew that she didn’t have much of a chance lasting through the harsh and bitter Minnesota winter. She was the only one who knew about this abandoned house…for the moment. It contained rotting furniture. The smell of decay and filth permeated the walls. Broken beer bottles littered the place. Needles littered the old house along with garbage of all types. Bugs skittered along, not afraid of the small human being curled on the rotted and decayed sofa.

I’ll continue this later….when DeVante isn’t digging into the sides of my tummy and tickling me….

Amendment:

I act crazy to keep myself from going insane….it works. I mean, I act crazy and laugh a lot to keep my mind from being sad.

II Amendment:

From being sad on the outside.

So how does everyone like my new colors?? I like em. Well, I’m at the library again. I wish I can come here every day…but yeah right. At least I can vent out some frustrations right now….

My back hurts soooo bad. But I went to work today. It was a good time. I ate lunch with Katie (Moose) and Jerry. What a coupla funny people….Katie really reminds me of Ashley…my (ex…I guess) friend. She’s hilarious. N I like working fulltime for Archway….I gotta 50 cent raise when I started that on Thursday…so now I make $8.75 an hour and in a month I get benefits….they’re really good benefits too….dental, vision, overall healthcare. As good as they come. But even with benefits, healthcare is still expensive. $10 copay every time you go and drugs cost $10-20. I did a report on healthcare last year. It’s outrageous how much a crock a shit it is. drug companies make billions of dollars every year. That’s horseshit….we pay way too much for our drugs here in the good ol US of A.

But I do love fall colors here in MN. It’s so beautiful….just absolutely gorgeous! reds oranges yellows….soooo pretty!!! I wish I had a camera. And then in the winter when there’s ice storms and ice on the trees. Pretty to look at from inside the nice warm house but too damn cold outside for me. Sooooooo B-E-A-U-tiful!!!

Me and my dad don’t get along very well. We argue all the time. I’m a bitch. I feel myself get out of control all the time. I scream and yell and throw things….just like my mother. I try to control myself, but it’s very hard. I usually just lock myself in my room and not talk to anyone unless I have to.

Speaking of my mother, I had a dream last night where she killed me. I was in this discount store with a cart getting things when it all of a sudden turned into an ultra secret private detective thing. Rachel was with me and an older woman and an older man. We were in this car that stopped at this old building cuz the old lady in the car was talking on the phone. The building was cement that was painted white…the white was chipped off in a lot of places, leaving a grayish color. Rachel and I got out of the car…it was a red van, actually. And she started running and she said “I bet you can’t catch me!” So I ran after her. We ran around the building. I lost sight of her around the second corner. When I got back to the front of the building, the building had changed. It was a better white and it looked more like a house. Before it looked like an old office building. Rachel was sitting down at this picnic table. And she looked younger…about when she was 9 and she was a model….she had her hair in pigtails like she did in this one picture. She looked 6, like she did in the picture. Taylor was with her, and someone else, I don’t remember who. My mom came out of the building with a pink cake with candles lit. She was smiling, everyone was singing happy birthday. I was still standing. Then the cake disappeared and my mom was holding a shot gun. She shot me…in the eye. There was a huge hole there. Then my alarm clock went off and I woke up.

I figured something out. I know why I’m always tired. I have nightmares. Every night. So what my mind does, is go into a sleep that’s not deep enough for nightmares, which is NREM….or non REM (I’m sure everyone knows REM is rapid eye movement…right??). When I have nightmares, I toss and turn and I can’t sleep. So in NREM, I don’t get into a deep enough sleep for true rest. Even in NREM, I have night terrors, which are nightmares that you can’t remember, basically. So the nightmares, NREM, and night terrors are why I am so tired all the time. I will always be tired for the rest of my life. Sleeping pills don’t work, I already know that. Besides, sleeping pills are only for getting into a regular sleeping pattern, not to get you deep sleep. When you’re drugged for surgery, that’s not true sleep either…that’s a deeper level of unconciousness…there are several levels of unconciousness. REM is the best for true rest….and I will never get it because of my nightmares. I’m sure the memories from my childhood that I can’t remember are what makes my nightmares, I’m sure of it.

But I’m lost in a bigger way. I don’t really know who I am. I don’t know what I believe in as far as religion or spirituality. That makes me feel very lost. I don’t know my past, that makes me lost. I am a very lost and confused individual. I need to do some soul searching.

I was reading a book the other day and I realized, I mean, it hit me like WHAM!…. I have so much life to live. I have so much to go through and experience…it’s amazing. True, I’ve experienced far more than a lot of people my age have…but still, there’s a lot out there. Even in this shithole country, there’s so much opportunity here. Everyone says you can do whatever you put your mind to. I know I can do anything I choose….except for those things that require a talent that I do not posses. There’s just so much. It’s unreal. I don’t know what to do or what I’m going to do…..I need to think. But I’m too indecisive….I don’t know how to choose. Is this entry too long? Are you still with me? I don’t know if even I am still with me!!!

Well, I guess I’ll go for now….chat with yall later….love ya miss ya!!

Hey hey everyone. How’s everyone doin? Me? I’m…..well, let’s not answer that question…..

I’ve been busy at work. Been hired on full time by Archway. Right now I’m at the library with my dad. I’m frickin sicker than a dog. Well, not really I guess. I have a cold….a really bad one. My throat hurts, runny, stuffy nose, headache, weak because my body is using all it’s strength to fight this cold….ewwww I hate being sick. I want some chicken noodle soup!!! I don’t know why I’m not at home, resting like I should be. Well, I called in sick this morning and my dad…well….he doesn’t have a job right now. And he wanted to go to the library before we pick Ashley up from school….yeah, Ash lives with us now…her mom got crunk and kicked her out…poor kid. Her mom is pretty messed, kinda like mine. Well, I saw Dorian yesterday at work…he’d been gone sick for the past two days…including the last day I worked with him…meanie! Naw I’m jus playin…but I told him I was full time now and he was gone for my last day with Kelly…but he gave me a hug….GASP!! hehehe…I have a weakness…guys, yes we know this….But my first day working for Archway and I start getting sick in the morning…woke up this morning with a raspy voice and my throat hurt worse than it did yesterday….life sucks. But what can I do?! Kill myself?! I think not…or maybe….or not….

But yeah. Now money’s real tight. But my dad filed for the big B, so he has no more outstanding bills to pay, which makes things easier. But now he’s gonna make as much as I do….more than half less what he’s used to. We have 2 cars, one of which doesn’t work and the other that won’t make it through the brutal Minnesotan winter. Ya you betcha dontcha know! oohhhh yeah! Cynical and sarcastic humor….it’s wonderful….but Minnesota has a person in the final four of Last Comic Standing….Dave Mordal (sp??)….from Elk River, the next town over from where I live. That dude is seriously funny! Anyways, back to the finances….I’m about halfway to being able to buy a notebook. My dad’s thinking of buying a computer, so I can use his until I get mine and we just called today to have a phone line opened at our tiny little apartment. My room is the size of a matchbox…but it’s a roof! Filled with spiders and nasty ass bugs…..I have a real fear of those things too…it’s not like eww that’s disgusting…it’s like OMG freakin out yeah…..

I bought ICP’s new cd, Hell’s Pit. The Wicked Shit….yeaaaah!! Good stuff…..I love it. I bought Mean Girls…love that movie. Saw The Punisher….that’s a pretty good movie….mmmm cough drop time…YUMMY!!!! NOT!!! hehehe whatever. My dad’s wants to go now….so Fred, I’ll talk to you as soon as humanly possible…..don’t worry about me! Miss ya love ya Mah

“Halls Of Illusion”

[Violent J]
Ticket please, thanks, walk through the door
Into the Halls Of Illusions, visit yours
And see what coulda and shoulda and woulda been real
But you had to fuck up tha whole deal

“Lets take a walk down the hallway
It’s a long way it, it takes all day!”

And when you get to tha end, you’ll find a chair
With straps and chains, we slap you in there
Lock you down tight so you can’t move a thread
And pull your eyelids up over your head
Cuz you’re about to witness an illusionary dream
It’s just to bad it ain’t what it seems

[Shaggy 2 Dope]
You walk in and see two kids on the floor
They playin Nintendo and he’s got tha high score
And sittin behind them chillin in a chair
Is your wife, when ya look, oh, you ain’t there
It’s some other man in the hand in hand
Now she looks so happy you don’t understand
See this is an illusion, it never came true
All because of you!

[Violent J]
Back to reality and what you’re about
Your wife can’t smile cuz ya knocked her teeth out
And she can’t see straight from gettin hit
Cuz you’re a fat fuckin drunk piece of shit
But it’s all good here, come have a beer
I’ll break the top off it and shove it in ya ear
And you’re death comes wicked painful and slow
At tha hands of MILENKO!

[Chorus (2x)]
Great Milenko, wave your wand
Don’t look now, your life is gone
This is all because of you
What you got yourself into

[Violent J]
Look who’s next it’s Mr. Clark
The dirty old man from the trailer park
You got your ticket? Thanks take your coat off
And later on, why not, I’ll rip your throat off

“Lets take a walk down the hallway
It’s a long way it, it takes all day”

And when you get to the end you’ll find a chair
You see all the blood, yeah your boy was just here
We get all different kind of people comin through
Richies, chickens and bitches just like you
In the Halls everybody gets a turn
To sit and witness your illusion before you burn

[Shaggy 2 Dope]
What do we have here, oh yeah, no way
It looks like your kids and they okay
Your daughter’s chillin up in college top grade
And your son’s a fuckin doctor, phat paid
They got families and kids and it’s all good
They even coach little league in the neighborhood
Is this true have ya really seen tha holy ghost?
Nah, bitch, not even close!

[Violent J]
Back to reality your son’s on crack
And your daughter’s got nut stains on her back
And they both fuckin smell like shit
And live in the gutter and sell crack to each other
When they were kids you’d beat em and leave em home
And even whip em with the cord on the telephone
And that reminds me man hey ya gotta call
Watch your step to Hell…it’s a long fall!

[Chorus (2x)]

[Violent J]
Ah, it’s time to pack up and move to the next town
But we forgot Mr. Bigot, okay, dig it
We can’t show you an illusion cuz we’re all packed
But I’ll still cut ya neck out, hows that?

[Chorus (4x)]

That’s the sad truth, isn’t it?