In a couple few months I will have been a xanagon or whatever for a year. That just seems like a long time. Wow.

I figured out the Bolt note thing...yay...

Okay. So I cleaned the kitchen yesterday. It looked so nice. And now guess what. It's as messy as it was before. That's crap. But whatever.

Okay. So, my mom was using my bank account to pay for her AOL. So I went to the bank yesterday cuz I was $60 in the hole in my checking account. So they took my money back from AOL and said it was an unauthorized transfer and they gave me my money back from overdraft charges. And I closed that account and opened a new one. So yay. That was nice. And Beth works at the bank, so I talked to her for like half an hour. Beth is one of my mom's ex-friends. She's an ex-friend cuz she found out how my mom really is so she doesn't talk to her anymore. And all we talked about yesterday was my mom. About how evil she is and everything. And I told her about Dennis and everything. Then I told her she should get back to work and everything and I left. And what the fucking hell. My mom is getting her mail sent to my PO box. I wish I could just not give her her mail, but it's a federal offense and all. Dumb bitch. She has notes on her front door and stuff saying that she's moved. Ummmm nooooooo she hasn't. I wonder why she did that....hmmmm......

I found something out: When I don't wear makeup, I break out. wtf is that all about? So now I gotta put on foundation even if I don't go anywhere. That's bullshit. But whatever.

 

I See

i see your bruises
why do you try to hide them?
i see your tears
why do you wipe them away?
i see your pain
why do you hide behind this mask?
i can see through you
why do you pretend?

i see how the stars twinkle
do you?
i see the beauty in the sunset
do you?
i see the miracle of life
do you?
i see the rainbow through the rain
do you?

 

Can you make the connection in that poem? I can.

 

The Colors of the Rainbow

i can see the colors of the rainbow
can you?
red, as the blood that flows out your wounds
orange, as the fruit you eat
yellow, as the color of the sun that blinds you
green, as the grass you lay on
blue, as the color of your hollow eyes
violet, as the endless twilight sky you stare into
i can see the colors of the rainbow
can you?

 

I'm not sure that poem works, but whatever.

I think I've gone retarded. I can't figure out how to read a note on this redesigned Bolt. Am I brain dead or what? WTF?!

I forgot to mention that I want to do photography.

"Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I dream
I see your face
It's haunting me
I guess I need you baby"

~Everytime by Britney Spears

Okay. I've had that part of the song stuck in my head for days and I think it's clouding my writing ability or something. I haven't been able to write anything since that song entered my mind a few days ago. And I keep hearing it over and over and seeing the video in my mind and it's driving me nuts. Anyways, just hadda vent about The Song That Won't Go Away.

Here's what I want to do with my life:

I want to publish a book. A novel or two or three or more. And a book of poetry. I want to do interior design. I think it would be so much fun to choose everything to go in a room and where and how it should be presented. I happen to think I'm good at presentation, making things look good. We'll see. I want to sing. I don't think I'm very good at it, but I would still like to do it. Although, having my life pried into by everyone is very unappealing to me. So I actually don't know about that one. I want to make things. Like quilts...and sell them. That would be so much fun. Quilting is an activity where you have to completely concentrate on what you're doing and not letting anything intrude into your head. Except when you're doing something like tying or basting...those are pretty mindless activities that doesnt require much thought and concentration. I want to travel. I want to learn the history of places on my own. I've found that history is very interesting and it fascinates me. But I've also found that I can't stand being taught history. Having a teacher lecture me on history is very unappealing. I like to learn on my own, my own pace. I want to go to Ireland, Italy, Greece, and anywhere that has a rich history and culture, because I also find other cultures very interesting and fascinating. I want to make a lot of money and give it to worthy causes. I want to actually DO something to help people. I want to learn. But on my own...I hate teachers....no offense to some people who want to be one, honestly....I just don't like people teaching me...I prefer to learn on my own. I want to be a lawyer. I want to be in the FBI. There's so much I want to do with my life...and most of this only pertains to careers!! How the hell am I supposed to choose what I'm going to do for a living?!

Anyone remember the Spice Girls? Would I be totally out of line if I admitted to liking the Spice Girls? Actually, I love them. I wish I had their cd's still. I should buy them again. You know how when you were younger and there was a group and you chose a person to be and your friends did the same? Well, I was Sporty. And we'd have concerts and everything and "perform". And as for TLC, I was Chili. But anyway, I love the movie Spiceworld. Hahaha there are some funny parts in there and I love the music.

Anyway, enough of the Spice Girls. Lately, I've been more than a little tired. I've been wanting to sleep all day, but I don't.

Countdown: 5 days until Dennis gets here!

I'm sorry. I haven't had anything intersting to say lately.

Hmmm....long time no REAL entry. Okay, when Dennis gets here on the 23rd, I get a surprise. No one knows what this surprise is except me and him and I'm not telling anyone. I know what it is and when, but I don't know exactly what. Hahaha! That doesn't make sense to you, but I don't care and I'm not tel-ling!!

I love to take cold showers in the summer time. It feels so good!! Not ice cold, but not warm or even lukewarm. Just cold. Then the last few seconds of my shower, I turn it to ice cold and WOO!! does that wake you up!! Anyways, I lost my cell phone. I don't know where it is. I can't call it because it's disconnected again. My dad's gonna yell at me cuz this time it's my fault cuz I used all the minutes and then some. Whoops.........but I'll pay for it, no need to worry.......Have a nice day everyone, talk to ya some other time!

bllaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Update:

I hate my mother.

Im at my grandmama's house.

For All the Laughing She Does

for all the laughing she does
you would never guess
guess how lonely she is
how sad
you would never guess
guess about her life
about her tears
for all the laughing she does
you would never know
know how many tears she cries
how much pain she feels
you would never know
know what happens behind those doors
what happens inside that mind
for all the laughing she does
you would never see
never see the pain in her eyes
see the torment that lives there
you would never see
see the scars in her mind
how they break her
you'll never see those tears in her eyes
for all the laughing she does

 

You'll Never See

you'll never see the pain
you'll never see the tears
you'll never see the blood
you'll never see the scars
you'll never see the shadows

the pain that dances through her eyes
the tears that snake down her cheeks
the blood that flows from her wrists
the scars that network around her arms
the shadows that chase her down

the dance that haunts
the snake that slowly moves down
the flow that's uninterupted
the network that smartly cris crosses
the chase that never ends

you'll never see