Month: July 2004

  • I'm sorry


    I saw those tears in your eyes
    I saw you wipe them away
    I saw you try to hide
    Your face was turned away from me
    But I saw the tear on your chest
    You wiped them away
    But not before I saw
    You stared out the window
    I wanted to reach out to you
    Just like when I hear you crying
    In the middle of the night
    I didn't know what to say to you
    I'm sorry
    I didn't mean to laugh at that joke
    I didn't mean to say those things
    I didn't mean to make you cry
    I didn't mean to hurt you
    I'm sorry
    It broke my heart to see you cry
    To hear your almost silent sniffles
    I'm sorry you cried
    If I could take back those words
    If I could take back those laughs
    I would
    I'm sorry


     


     


     


    I hope the person this is for knows it's for her. But I'm off again....back to my dad's house for more boring fun....no phone, no computer.....but I will survive...


    Dennis gets here tonight...or early this morning. I'm excited. The Ashlee Simpson concert was cool. She's awesome in concert, she's all over the stage dancing and stuff....but it's not choreographed dancing, it's just her own dancing, which is pretty cool. Bought some earrings at the MOA....I love that place. It was the first time I'd been there in three years. I wanted to go on a full out shopping spree, cuz everything I saw I was like I want that I want that. I could seriously spend thousands or even millions of dollars shopping for clothes, shoes, jewelery, and just SHIT!!! hahaha I love shopping...but what girl doesn't?!?! I just can't wait for the day I can go shopping and the sky's the limit and money is no matter....wouldn't that be fabulous?! I think so!!! hahaha anyways, gonna go now....ya'll won't hear from me for a long time again, so yeah....have fun and everything, behave yourselves, and enjoy life! Don't forget to smile and count the reasons to see another day....there's more than you think, I promise! Buh bye!

  • Hey hey everyone.....anyone who still reads this. And I'm at m,y sister's house...Ashley's house....tomorrow we're going to the Mall of America to see Ashlee Simpson do her concert....and I've fallen in love with Usher...been working...fun fun....and Dennis is gonna be here on Sunday....I'm excited for that....and for tha MOA.....anyways...gonna go see what's the what what online...I'm not gonna read anything right now cuz there's a lot to read...maybe the most recent entries....buh bye for now.....

  • Ok. My dad has made me move in with him. So, no entries for awhile....and Dennis, I'ma call ya, k? Well, better go.....talk to yall later.....

  • The new song in my head that I love is She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5....The bolded part is the part that's stuck...


    Beauty queen of only eighteen
    She had some trouble with herself
    He was always there to help her
    She always belonged to someone else

    I drove for miles and miles
    And wound up at your door
    I've had you so many times but somehow
    I want more

    I don't mind spending everyday
    Out on your corner in the pouring rain
    Look for the girl with the broken smile
    Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
    And she will be loved
    She will be loved

    Tap on my window knock on my door
    I want to make you feel beautiful
    I know I tend to get so insecure
    It doesn't matter anymore

    It's not always rainbows and butterflies
    It's compromise that moves us along
    My heart is full and my door's always open
    You can come anytime you want

    I don't mind spending everyday
    Out on your corner in the pouring rain
    Look for the girl with the broken smile
    Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
    And she will be loved
    She will be loved


    I know where you hide
    Alone in your
    car
    Know all of the things that make you who you are
    I know that goodbye means nothing at all
    Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

    Tap on my window knock on my door
    I want to make you feel beautiful

    I don't mind spending everyday
    Out on your corner in the pouring rain
    Look for the girl with the broken smile
    Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
    And she will be loved
    And she will be loved
    And she will be loved
    And she will be loved

    Please don't try so hard to say goobye
    Please don't try so hard to say goobye

    Yeah

    I don't mind spending everyday
    Out on your corner in the pouring rain

    Try so hard to say goobye

  • People who keep journals or diaries have better memories than the people who don't....imagine that.


    I just watched The Recruit, with Al Pacino and Colin someone....that's a damn good movie. I never would have guessed the ending...til it happened, of course. Movies like that make me do some deep thinking. This one made me think of people. And who's lying and who's not and what's really goin on. And you know, most people can be corrupted given the right circumstances. It really makes me think. I don't know if I can be. I don't think so. I mean, look at what I've been through in my life and the type of person I am now and what I do or don't do. I know money can't corrupt me. If someone offered me money to make me do something against my morals, I wouldn't do it. It doesn't matter how much. Money has no effect on me. Sure, I like expensive things and would like to buy them. But my morals are more important to me....I know what it's like on both ends...having no money and having money. I'm certainly attracted to power and speed, and money can buy those things....(I'm thinking about cars, because I LOVE fast cars....)....but in the end, it doesn't really matter, just like in the song by Linkin Park....but anyways, enough rambling.....everyone should definately see The Recruit if you haven't already....gnight all!

  • hmmmmmm stuff

  • Holy shit. I am so fucking tired it's not even funny. Me and Jojo and Bobbi Jo took Alexis and Tommy to the fair in Faribualt. They are two whinny ass four year olds. Well, Tommy wasn't that bad...he didn't sit down on the ground and cry like Alexis did. I've been gone like all day long and got home like an hour and fifteen minutes ago. I'm soooo tired. We had a pretty good time, for the most part. I bought this blue snake....a bean bag thing, ya know. And it's shaped in like this S shape. So I put it on my shoulder and the head and tongue kinda hung...uh...somewhere a little inappropriate...haha . And it was soooooo HOT today!! Holy shit I was dying...sweaty all over. The first thing I did when I got home was take an ice cold shower. That felt soooooo good. And me n Bobbi Jo went on the Orbiter...holy fuck! That thing went 70 mph, I swear to God! I was so dizzy!! And frickin a man, I couldn't even open my eyes on it. I couldn't walk normally when I got off....the ground was kinda movin all over the place and it felt really funny to walk....woah. I got a little sunburned on my chest...whatever. And on the way home there was an accident...cops were directing traffic....this green van rammed into the back of a huge black truck.....the van's bumper thinger was hangin off the truck's thinger...whatever it's called. My feet hurt....so does my back. Fun fun at the fair...and a tonna guys staring....whatever. Russian guy hittin on Jojo....that was great. And Alexis and Tommy played ring around Crystal...and ring around Bobbi Jo and ring around Jo...a lot. They were chasing each other all over the place. It was cute.


    I'm reading this really good book right now. It's about memory and why we forget things and ways to preserve memory and stuff. I'm only on the intro, but it's good so far! I've already learned that most of our memories aren't real or horribly distorted and twisted from the truth. I can't wait to read it all, but right now I'm very tired.....gnight all!

  • [ ABOUT YOU ]
    Are you male or female?: female
    Are you sure?: yep
    Do you have any piercings?: 4 in my left ear 2 in my right....the third in my right closed, or it would be more even than that...the 4th in my left is cartiledge at the top
    Are you single or married?: neither
    Do you like your name?: yes I do
    Do you like lotion? Chapstick?: I love lotion! Sweet Pea from Bath and Body Works! And yes I like chapstick 
    Do you shave your legs?:  yes

    [ IN YOUR ROOM ]
    What size of bed do you have?: Ummm right now I have no room....but I did have a double 
    Is your floor carpeted?: it was
    If so, what color is it?: white/cream
    Do you have posters on your walls? Of what?: I had posters of all my favorite stars
    Do you keep your room clean, or is there junk all over the floor?: It was usually messy, with clothes n stuff all over
    Are you allowed to eat in your room?: I wasn't, but I did anyway


    [ HYGENE ]
    How many times a day do you brush your teeth?: 2 or 3
    Do you take a shower daily?: yeah
    Do you wear purfume/cologne?: sometimes
    Do you wear deoderant?: every day


    [ OUTSIDE ]
    Do you go outside often?: sometimes...I hate the sun
    Is your lawn green or brown?: green
    Do you have a patio in the back?: no


    [ MISC. ]
    Is the sky really blue, or is it white with blue clouds?: blue
    Did that last question confuse you?: nope
    Do you eat chocolate often?: no
    Do you have a job?: not right now...not really
    Do you like it?: ...
    Why or why not?: ...
    Is your computer slow?: it can be
    Have you ever been kissed?: yep
    Have you ever wondered why there is bark on trees?: nope
    when you kick a tree, does it bruise the tree?: naaw



    What do you hear right now?: the sound of the computer and there should be some music on...I'll go turn on the radio right now....


    What do you smell right now?: ummm nothing


    Are you alone in the room?: yep
    Are you at home?: not mine, but yeah
    Am I scaring you?: nope



    [FAVORITES]
    fireworks: the ones that flash then a second or two later it goes BOOM!!
    french fries: the ones at Whispering Pines with bbq and mayo
    theme park: Valleyfair
    state: Ummm I've only been to 3....but Florida, I guess
    school subject: English and trig was fun too
    person to ride in the car with: Rach
    upcoming movie: ???
    thing to do: write and sing and talk....I like to do so many things!
    person to hang out with: depends on my mood....I'd have to say Jojo
    cereal: Special K Almond Vanilla
    snowball flavor: Do you mean snowcone? the blue kind....
    little debby pie: the ones in a roll with the chocolate and the white frosting stuff...dunno what they're called...
    desert: dunno
    person to talk to online: Fred....we have some intellegent conversations....Dennis, he's great, makes me laugh...Rob, he sings to me...my sisters...
    electronic game: GTA: Vice City
    board game game: Othello....is that considered a board game??
    friends/party game: Remember When...


    [FRIENDS/PEOPLE]
    your current best friend: Jojo
    your current best friend's: I'm not really hanging out with anyone this point in my life... 
    first friend knowned: Jamie. I miss her!
    who reminds you of yourself: haha no one. We're all so different
    who do you wish you were more like: no one. I like being me....for the most part...


    [THIS OR THAT]
    popeyes, churches, or kfc: KFC, I guess
    mechanical pencil, wooden pencil: wooden 
    black or white: black
    aeropostale, abercrombie, hollister, or american eagle:  aeropostale
    hot topic or abercrombie: hot topic
    aim, msn, yahoo, or icq: aim
    type or talk: talk
    walmart, kmart, or target: target
    mall or movies: uh! BOTH!!!
    wendys or checkers: Wendys


    [RIGHT NOW]
    what are you wearing: dark blue windbreakers and a yellow shirt
    who are you talking to: no one
    who else is in your room: no one
    last person you talked to and about what: Miranda....What Emma did this morning 


    [SHORT QUESTIONS]
    name all of the people who pop into your head right now: Dennis, Fred, Ashley, Rachel, Rob, Joe, Jojo, Miranda, Ben, Emma, Mary, Jonathan, Meagan, Stacy, Ashley (different one), Lindsey, Mark, Casey, Joy Joy, Tim, Lindsay, EVERYONE!!! hahaha


    what is set as ur desktop background: a paradise picture thingy
    screensaver: I have no idea what it is...something about not touching the computer
    what color is your instant messaging: white background and maroon font
    what instant messanger do you use: aim


    [REAL QUESTIONS]
    Do you believe in God? If so, why? If not, why not?  I don't know anymore. I lost my faith a long time ago. It's too long of a story to write right now.
    Do you believe that all things happen for a reason? Why or why not? Yes. I don't know why.


    Who is your best friend (ONE)? Why? I have no idea at the moment.


    Do you drink (alcohol)? Do you smoke? Do you do drugs? Why or why not? never...they're all bad habits that ruin your life
    Name and describe one life changing event. Do you wish this had happened? The moment I realized that my life is shit and life in general is shit. It happened...then I became forever sad even when I'm laughing. Yes, because it enlightened me, made me more aware of everything, made me know compassion and other people's situations...putting myself in other people's shoes if you will....I'm glad it happened.


    Do you have any secrets? If so, can you tell one? Yes I have a secret, but I'm gonna tell what it is.


    Name a few people that you are glad you have met this year, and why: Fred, because he's saved my life so many times, more times than he knows....been my life line more times than even I can count. Rob, because he taught me how to trust again. I don't think he knows that, though. Dennis....the reason is obvious
    If you could go back in time, would you change anything? no


    If you were granted one wish and had to take it, what would you wish for?: for my mom to be sane and have no problems...for her to be a good mother


    If you could go forward in time and see one thing, what would it be and why? how my kids turn out and how they treat me. I would wanna know what I did wrong if they acted towards me how I act towards my own mother.
    What's your biggest fear that something will happen? Being like my mother and disappointing my dad
    Who do you hate the most? Why?: I don't hate anyone. But as close as hate gets, I'd say my mother because of how she is
    If you were to die at this second: Would you go to heaven, hell, neither, etc? hell


    What do you want your last words to be? I love you

  • *. . . W O U L D Y O U R A T H E R . . .*
    1) pierce your nose or tongue? nose
    2) be serious or be funny? funny
    3) drink whole or skim milk? whole

    * . . . A R E Y O U . . .*
    4) simple or complicated? complicated

    * . . . D O Y O U P R E F E R . . . *
    5) flowers or angels? angels
    6) grey or gray? grey
    7) color or black-and-white photos? mmmm. I like the black and white because it's classical...dunno how to explain it. But I also like color because I love the colors...but I think black and white's better.
    8) love or lust?  love
    9) sunrise or sunset? sunset
    10) M&Ms or Skittles? M&Ms
    11) rap or rock? rock
    12) staying up late or waking up early? late
    13) TV or radio? radio
    14) water or soda? soda
    15) eating apples or oranges? oranges

    * . . . A N S W E R T R U T H F U L L Y . . . *
    16) Do you have a crush? yep
    17) Who is it? Dennis

    * . . . D O Y O U P R E F E R . . . *
    18) being hot or cold? cold
    19) tall members of the opposite, or short? tall
    20) sun or moon? moon
    21) emeralds or rubies? emeralds
    22) left or right? right
    23) having 10 acquaintances or 1 best friend? 1 best friend
    24) sun or rain? rain
    25) vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? chocolate
    26) boys or girls? boys
    27) green beans or carrots? carrots
    28) low fat or fat free? free is gross...low fat tastes better.

    * . . . M I S C E L L A N E O U S . . . *
    29) What is your biggest fear in the world? Turning out to be like my mother and disappointing my dad...which is happening as we speak.
    30) Kids or no kids? I love kids! But I have none right now
    31) Cat or dog? cat
    32) Half empty or half full? empty
    33) Mustard or ketchup? depends....ketchup, I guess
    34) Hard cover books or soft cover books? soft...erm...I abuse my books...I fold them back all the time....I sowee!
    35) Newspaper or magazine? magazine
    36) Sandals or sneakers? sandals
    37) Wonder or amazement? amazement
    38) Red car or white car? red
    40) Singing or dancing? singing
    41) Hugging or kissing? kissing
    42) Corduroy or plain? plain
    43) Happy or sad? I like to be happy, but I'm always sad on the inside
    44) Purple or green? purple

    * . . . A B O U T Y O U . . . *
    46) What time is it? 12:19
    47) Pets? I have a cat, Ruby. She doesn't live with me, she lives with my step dad and sister. She's beautiful. And a dog, Cocoa. My grandpa says she's not mine, but she is cuz she loves me more.
    48) Height? 5' 1/2"
    49) Eye color? blue with green flecks
    50) Hair color? black, dyed
    51) Piercing(s)? not really...just my ears...4 in my left ear and 2 in my right

    * . . . W H A T D O Y O U W A N T . . . *
    52) Where do you want to live? Ireland
    53) How many kids do you want? 3
    54) What kind of job do you want? I discussed this the other day...not again....
    55) Do you want to get married? yes

    * . . . W H I C H I S B E T T E R . . . *
    56) 2 doors or 4 (on a car): 2
    57) Coffee or ice cream? ice cream
    58) Shampoo or conditioner? conditioner
    59) Bridges or tunnels? tunnels
    60) One pillow or two? 2

    * . . . W O R D A S S O C I A T I O N . . . * (first thing that comes to mind)
    61) Rock? music
    62) Green? Irish
    63) Crying? sad
    64) Peanut? butter
    65) Roses? poo oo ooo
    66) Summer? trees
    67) Winter? snow

    ? * . . . F A V O R I T E S . . . *
    68) Salad dressing? Ranch
    69) Color of socks? white
    70) Toothpaste? Crest Whitning Expressions Citrus Burst
    71) Food? Chinese
    72) Toothbrush? Crest
    73) Alcoholic drink? I don't drink
    74) Non-alcoholic drink? Dr. Pepper
    75) Character? Tweety Bird

    * . . . R A N D O M Q U E S T I O N S . . . *
    76) When was your last hospital check? in February for my head....whatta mental case! hahaha
    77) Where do you see yourself in 10 years? married, kids, nice home, wealthy, happy
    78) Have you ever been convicted of a crime? no, unless a speeding ticket counts
    79) What do you do most often when you are bored? doodle, write, sing
    80) Name the person that you are friends with that lives the farthest away from you? Fred
    81) Are you open minded? always
    82) Can you be in love with two people at the same time? yes

  • Bold all that applies:
    01. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 and a half years
    02. I still watch cartoons.
    03. i've never seen The O.C.
    04. I love almost all music.
    06. I want a tattoo.

    07. I wear glasses.
    08. But mostly to read the blackboard and drive.
    09. I want more piercings.
    10. but i can't ever get any more
    11. I love to watch the rain.
    12. I like to walk in the dark at night with someone special and talk.

    13. I don't believe in true love.
    14. I am a pretty cynical person sometimes.
    15. Sometimes I cry for no damn reason.

    16. I cry about stupid things.
    17. I hate being walked all over and treated like crap.
    18. It annoys me when people try to tell me how I am, and what I like.

    19. I love music.
    20. I am not sure if I believe in God. But i think i believe in a higher power.
    21. I often feel alone.
    22. I'm a sometimes loud and funny person.
    23. A boy in high school shattered my heart into a million pieces.
    24. I get depressed sometimes.
    25. I hate it when people criticize me for what I like.

    26. I crack my knuckles, wrists, ankles, back, etc.
    27. I fidgit with anything when I'm nervous.

    28. I'm a weird person.
    29. I consider myself pretty unique.
    30. My eyes are brown.
    31. Listening to music usually helps my mood.
    32. I am a disappointment to myself.
    33. I love sleeping.
    34. I'm obsessed with Vanilla.
    35. I have a few close friends.
    36. Okay, i have like 2 friends.
    37. I need to lose weight.
    38. I like popcorn.
    39. I love watching tv.
    40. I like malls.
    41. I like cold weather better than hot.

    42. I really dig Depeche Mode
    43. I love Winter.
    44. I'm addicted to AIM.
    45. I have trouble trusting people.
    46. I do not label myself anything besides "me."
    47. I love my family. (SOME of my family, definately NOT all of them)
    48. I loathe hot weather.
    50. I hate shaving my legs.
    51. Sleeping is a hobby of mine.
    52. I like to listen to music everyday.

    53. I love white tigers.
    54. I love dancing.
    55. I don't always like the way I look.
    56. I used to cut myself.
    57. I'm a daydreamer.
    58. I feel lucky I met the right guy.
    59. I like when my friends write me letters, it makes me feel special.

    60. I randomly doodle on pieces of paper of myself when boredom strikes.
    61. I love all my LJ, DJ, and GJ friends. [whats that?]
    62. I'm allergic to milk.
    63. I wish people would stop making me cry over their stupidity.
    64. I hate people who try to be what they're not.
    65. I went to boarding school for the last 2 years of high school
    66. I love all candy, well, most. (I can honestly say that I hate junk food)
    67. I get my feelings hurt really easy.
    68. I believe inner beauty is more important than outer beauty. 
    69. I wear pants a lot.
    70. I wish I had more money.
    71. I like to say what's on my mind. (Sometimes...)
    72. I hate blue jeans
    73. I'm online a lot.
    74. I have 2 goldfish .
    75. I am for the most part happy with myself.
    76. I need to work out more.
    77. I like being alone at certain times.
    78. When I get angry, I curse to myself sometimes.
    79. i wish I could spend more money on friends/family.
    80. I hate shallow people.
    81. I'm a type 1 (insulin dependent) diabetic.
    82. I ponder life way too much.
    83. Sometimes I think everyone hates me.
    84. I wish my brother didn't die.
    85. I hate it when girls have their thongs sticking really far out of the back of their pants.
    86. I need to be showed I'm loved.
    87. I wish I was better.

    88. I hate discrimination.
    89. I hate guys who are only out for one thing. 90. I have a cute car.
    91. I love glitter

    92. I sometimes wish i was more social.
    93. I love my close friends.
    94. I love to have fun.
    95. I get asmused so easily.

    96. I'm a lazy ass. I really am.
    97. I'm usually more outgoing when I'm around friends.
    98. I love to be me.

    99. I like wearing hoodies.
    100. I'm graduating college in June! (I already graduated...but yeah...)