Power went out again. It was for much longer this time, like an hour or so. I think. Didn't pay much attention. Talked movies with Jojo. Then hoo a came the lights back on. It wasn't storming at the time, so it must have been the flooding. It rained almost all day. whoot

Making plans...fun fun

Ashley, now that you're not talking to me on the phone and laughing and acting crazy, would you mind telling me how chocolate fell out of your mouth and ended up on the floor? And why Jackie stepped in it?!

Update:

Miranda had her baby! It's a girl and she's soooo cute. Her name is Emma. Aww..
My cowboy was online last night, but I missed him. Grr I was kinda mad cuz I miss him, but it's all good. Hopefully I can talk to him tonight!
I have a temporary part time job comin up here..workin for my step dad...or, ex step dad, whatever. Saturday night, then he's gotta think of something else for me...I told him I need to work enough to make at least $200, so yay! Some money comin mah way....but it's money I can't spend on stuff, but that's alright. Don't need no more stuff. Except maybe more music, but yeah, it's ok.
The power here went out yesterday. For like 2 seconds, but hey, it went out! Lightning hit the power line right outside the house...I think. But mah car got a bath! Now she's so prettiful! haha...today is nice. It's cloudy, rainy, and stormy, but that's way better than humid....especially since I love storms! whoohoo! hahahaha

So yeah. I uh...went home last night for some clothes. My mother complained that she was sick. She made me play SSX Tricky with her on PS2, yeah, that was boring. So, I got my backpack full of clothes, I'm ready to leave, and she says "I'm selling everything in the house and moving to Rome." Wooooah k there mom....frickin a whatta psycho...and yeah, she doesn't even care where I'm staying, she didn't ask or nothing...just as long as I'm out of her hair...whatever.

It took me over half an hour to get on the computer. But it's all good. I had a weird dream last night that I can't remember. All I know is that it was weird. So yeah. Nothing else going on the world of me....

Okay, it's HOT. It's 84, feels like 89...to give yall an idea of how sticky it is here...I'm dying. Severe thunderstorms tonight and for the next 3 days...YES!! Getting rid of this humid stickiness soon!!! hahaha

This is going to be a deep post, because I was sitting in the kitchen, eating an early lunch, reading the note that my dad gave to me in my graduation card. I'm not going to put it all on here, just two sentences..."You have had some tough times throughout your life and you are proving that you are a winner." Later, he says "Crystal, you are a winner and you'll always be a winner." These written words bring tears to my eyes, because my dad isn't good at saying things, and knowing that he thinks this of me makes me wanna cry.

And I got to thinking. Yeah, I've been through a lot in my life, and I'm only 18 years old, graduated from high school, and have experienced more now than a lot of people will in their lifetime. I've had a lot of tears, a lot of laughs, a lot of everything. More tears and fear than anything else. But when it comes down to it, it's a learning experience. All the tears I've cried for various reasons are teaching me not to do or say those things to other people. All the experiences with everyone around me has taught me something, even if it's something little. I've learned how to be a good parent through my parents' faults and mistakes. Although I'm afraid to have children of my own one day, of how good or bad a mother I will be, in the end, I'm confidant in myself.

There have been countless times I've wanted to kill myself. So many many times I've laid on my bad, staring at the wall or the ceiling, crying, feeling the strongest urge to go grab that knife or those pills. But I never did. It's been so strong sometimes, that feeling. And I play it out in my head, what I'm going to do. I've had the bottle in my hand several times, ready. But did I ever do it? No. I never did. I've wondered why not? Why can't I just do it? over and over in my head. I've never answered that question to myself, so the question remains. I don't know.

Am I just so strong? I've survived through everything that's happened to me. Through alcoholic parents, witnessing fights at young ages, being beaten occasionally, emotional abuse, neglect, having a mother that doesn't love me, moving almost every year, leaving good friends...and so much more...through all of it, I've survived. I've faced my demons, fought them, and won. I've done it without the help of alcohol or drugs. I've done it without physically harming myself or destroying myself any other way. I've survived with a smile on my face and a tear in my mind. If I can go through my entire life facing these demons like I have the last 18 years, I'll be happy.

And to me, being succesful with the stress of everyday life and everything that comes at you is worth so much more than being financially succesful. When I was little, I was dirt poor, and my mother didn't love me. When I was about 15-17, my mother had money, we had money. But guess what? My mother still didn't love me. She bought me almost everything I needed...and wanted. But in the end, all I wanted was my mother's love. All the cool shit I got, all the stuff...after awhile, it didn't matter. All I wanted was my mother to love me. I would rather live in a cardboard box and have my mother's love than to live in a 6400 sq. ft. home and not have my mother's love. Things don't matter...they're just things. Without love, things are empty, they have no meaning. I can accept it now. My mom doesn't love me, but what makes it easier to accept is that she loves no one, not even herself. I wish I could help her, but I can't. She refuses to admit there's nothing wrong. The woman can't even admit when she's wrong about stupid little things, she always right, everyone else is always wrong. Occasionally, I'll still try, but I can't handle much more heartbreak from her. Sometimes she's ok, and we have fun...but then it goes right back to the same nothingness...that's what makes it so easy to forgive her all the time. When she's acting nice and happy, it's hard to remember what she's really like, and you can always say "She didn't mean it." But that's never the truth. That's what women say when they're husbands beat them. "He doesn't mean it." But things are still things, and my mother still doesn't love me.

I've survived my last 18 years, so I can survive pretty much anything. I have such a strong spirit that doesn't allow me to not survive. I have my bad habits, and I'm not perfect. But I learn from my mistakes and from the mistakes that the people around me make. And because of that, I am a winner and I am a survivor.

I dun't feel much like writing. Dun't know why... ?

Went to Ashley's open house. Slept. Talked. Ate. Normal day...except Miranda's in the hospital. Yep, on her way to having her baby. I would be there, but I can't sleep in a waiting room...and if I don't sleep, I'll be irritable and cranky, so don't wanna go there. I was there earlier. Caught up with Ashley and Lindsey. Had some fun. Time to try and go home for some stuff...maybe. I dun't want to. Can someone come with me? gah

Ug very tired....I haven't slept yet...and there's reason for that....talking to someone....someone that makes me very happy when he's happy. So yay.

Anyways, I must sleep....I'll write about graduation later...

Bob Carlisle
Butterfly Kisses

There's two things I know for sure.

She was sent here from heaven, and she’s daddy’s little girl.

As I drop to my knees by her bed at night,

She talks to Jesus, and I close my eyes.

And I thank God for all the joy in my life, But most of all...

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.

Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.

"Walk beside the pony daddy, it’s my first ride."

"I know the cake looks funny, daddy, but I sure tried."

Oh, with all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.

To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet sixteen today.

She’s looking like her momma a little more every day.

One part woman, the other part girl.

To perfume and makeup, from ribbons and curls.

Trying her wings in a great big world. But I remember...
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.

Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.

"You know how much I love you daddy, but if you don’t mind,

I’m only going to kiss you on cheek this time."

With all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.

To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.
All the precise time.

Like the wind, the years go by.

Precious butterfly, spread your wings and fly.
She’ll change her name today.

She’ll make a promise, and I’ll give her away.

Standing in the bride room just staring at her.

She asked me what I’m thinking, and I said, "I’m not sure,

I just feel like I’m losing my baby girl."

Then she leaned over... and gave me...
Butterfly kisses, with her mama there.

Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.

"Walk me down the aisle daddy, it’s just about time."

"Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?" "Daddy don’t cry."

With all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.

To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses.

I couldn’t ask God for more, man, this is what love is.

I know I’ve gotta let her go, but I’ll always remember.

Every hug in the morning, and butterfly kisses...

Graduation is today.

Okay. So, my mom kicked me out of the house and I'm at Miranda's. Last night Jojo had a bonfire, but I didn't go outside. Hell, I fell asleep at like 7:30-8ish last night!! Miranda's computer is really slow and congested, so I can only have one thing open at a time, it sucks.

Had grad practice today, frickin boring shit. Sat around last night talking to Mary and Eugene and Jojo and Ben and Miranda. Jonathon came home late last night and I had both the blankets that were out in the living room, so he didn't get a blanket. I felt kinda bad, but oh wellzerz. Talked to Fred last night, that was pretty cool. Michelle sounds soooo cute!!! hahaha....

I made up with Ashley and Lindsey Wed, that was pretty cool. Haven't heard from my mother lately, don't really care....I need to call my dad, see if him n Carman are still taking me out for dinner tomorrow night after graduation. Lemme see, anything else going on in the world of me?? I don't think so, so yeah. I'm gonna go now n check all my emails n maybe talk to some people...talk to yall later!!

Update:

I can't get ahold my of my dad! Grr!!

I talked to a couple of people this morning when I woke up at 3:00...well, I didn't start talking to them until about 3:30. These two people were Rob n Joe. Now, it started out good. Then Rob went to bed, and Joe asked me who I liked better. And I was like, I have to choose right this minute? And he said yeah. So I was like okay...I told him that I chose him. And we talked about stuff about me and Rob. Like if we were together and we broke up, would I go to Rob, I said I didn't know. Then he asked if I would cheat on him with Rob and I said of course not. Then he asked if I were to cheat on him, would I tell him, and I said yes, because I have a cleaner conscious than that, but I would never cheat in the first place. I think cheating is wrong, so I would never do it. Then Rob woke up and he asked what we'd talked about and he said that Joe had a smirky smile on his face, so yeah. I told Rob what we'd talked about. Our conversation did not end well. I was sad, but then I ate some chocolate and went to the graduation rehearsal and I got in a better mood being around my friends. So yeah, that was my morning and I took a nap. Ate. Doing nothing feels good.