June 7, 2004

• This is going to be a deep post, because I was sitting in the kitchen, eating an early lunch, reading the note that my dad gave to me in my graduation card. I’m not going to put it all on here, just two sentences…”You have had some tough times throughout your life and you are proving that you are a winner.” Later, he says “Crystal, you are a winner and you’ll always be a winner.” These written words bring tears to my eyes, because my dad isn’t good at saying things, and knowing that he thinks this of me makes me wanna cry.

  
  

  And I got to thinking. Yeah, I’ve been through a lot in my life, and I’m only 18 years old, graduated from high school, and have experienced more now than a lot of people will in their lifetime. I’ve had a lot of tears, a lot of laughs, a lot of everything. More tears and fear than anything else. But when it comes down to it, it’s a learning experience. All the tears I’ve cried for various reasons are teaching me not to do or say those things to other people. All the experiences with everyone around me has taught me something, even if it’s something little. I’ve learned how to be a good parent through my parents’ faults and mistakes. Although I’m afraid to have children of my own one day, of how good or bad a mother I will be, in the end, I’m confidant in myself.

  
  

  There have been countless times I’ve wanted to kill myself. So many many times I’ve laid on my bad, staring at the wall or the ceiling, crying, feeling the strongest urge to go grab that knife or those pills. But I never did. It’s been so strong sometimes, that feeling. And I play it out in my head, what I’m going to do. I’ve had the bottle in my hand several times, ready. But did I ever do it? No. I never did. I’ve wondered why not? Why can’t I just do it? over and over in my head. I’ve never answered that question to myself, so the question remains. I don’t know.

  
  

  Am I just so strong? I’ve survived through everything that’s happened to me. Through alcoholic parents, witnessing fights at young ages, being beaten occasionally, emotional abuse, neglect, having a mother that doesn’t love me, moving almost every year, leaving good friends…and so much more…through all of it, I’ve survived. I’ve faced my demons, fought them, and won. I’ve done it without the help of alcohol or drugs. I’ve done it without physically harming myself or destroying myself any other way. I’ve survived with a smile on my face and a tear in my mind. If I can go through my entire life facing these demons like I have the last 18 years, I’ll be happy.

  
  

  And to me, being succesful with the stress of everyday life and everything that comes at you is worth so much more than being financially succesful. When I was little, I was dirt poor, and my mother didn’t love me. When I was about 15-17, my mother had money, we had money. But guess what? My mother still didn’t love me. She bought me almost everything I needed…and wanted. But in the end, all I wanted was my mother’s love. All the cool shit I got, all the stuff…after awhile, it didn’t matter. All I wanted was my mother to love me. I would rather live in a cardboard box and have my mother’s love than to live in a 6400 sq. ft. home and not have my mother’s love. Things don’t matter…they’re just things. Without love, things are empty, they have no meaning. I can accept it now. My mom doesn’t love me, but what makes it easier to accept is that she loves no one, not even herself. I wish I could help her, but I can’t. She refuses to admit there’s nothing wrong. The woman can’t even admit when she’s wrong about stupid little things, she always right, everyone else is always wrong. Occasionally, I’ll still try, but I can’t handle much more heartbreak from her. Sometimes she’s ok, and we have fun…but then it goes right back to the same nothingness…that’s what makes it so easy to forgive her all the time. When she’s acting nice and happy, it’s hard to remember what she’s really like, and you can always say “She didn’t mean it.” But that’s never the truth. That’s what women say when they’re husbands beat them. “He doesn’t mean it.” But things are still things, and my mother still doesn’t love me.

  
  

  I’ve survived my last 18 years, so I can survive pretty much anything. I have such a strong spirit that doesn’t allow me to not survive. I have my bad habits, and I’m not perfect. But I learn from my mistakes and from the mistakes that the people around me make. And because of that, I am a winner and I am a survivor.

  • 12:59 pm
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