TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She's gone.

It's really really cold in here and I can't get warm. My mom is still here...I just kinda wish she'd leave already...every moment she's here is more pent up pain. When she leaves, I can cry freely.

Trying to lighten my mood, it's not working...

"I know I can be what I wanna I be

If I work hard at it

I'll where I wanna be" - Nas

I can't find happiness right now. It's not there. My mom hasn't left yet, but she's ready to. I think she's sleeping. Can I run away to someone? Please? All I wanna do is run away. Get away. I wanna wipe these tears away and smile through the clouds, but I can't. This stupid lump in my throat won't go away. I need I need I need I need... I need to get away. I think I'm done with everything. Why try anymore? I'm done trying to be happy, done trying to put on that smile, done trying to make people laugh...no one around me cares. I'm suffocating and no one notices. Is that because I hide it so well? Is it my fault? I'm just done... whatever.

Oh... and I'm sorry for being such a sarcastic cynical pessimestic bitch.

Ya, I'm tired. Maybe I shouldn't have stayed up until 2 in the morning...but I was talking with this guy from Mississippi. I have raindrops for my smilies on aol, and he likes it when I put them little thingers on there...he's crazy. He said he was looking for a girlfriend, and I told him to get one...lol. He took a bath at 2 in the morning, which I thought was odd. I don't even know his name but he keeps talking to me!! lol...anyways, yeah.

Kinda tired....silliness...blah. I laughed a lot last hour...good times. My cookies were good, everyone said. So ya. Waaahhh. Why do I do this to myself??? I just so tired...blah blah blah. This fingernail polish is coming off...grr. I wonder if my mother left today. She was packing last night, making a lot of noise and crap. I'm bored. I didn't wanna eat lunch today. Just the smell of the cookies made me full. "But I just want you to know" that song was just on Channel One, I don't even know what it is... Anyways, I have nothing else to talk about!! So I'll go now...buh bye adios chao

Good morning people!!!! Well, I was going to stay up all night last night, but I decided I couldn't...I fell asleep and woke up at 6, started making my cookies at about 6:10. I still have to get ready for school...ya. I can do that while there's some cookies in the oven...there is right now, but my sister just stole the shower from me. Drr.

And Casey, you are one crazy crazy person, you know that?! Crazy crack addicted man...jk...you're fun to talk to!! No, I am not from China... (if you can remember that!!!!)

LoL Anywayz, lazy dayz. Naw....I got homework to do tonight since I didn't do it last night...because I am a procrastinator, yes I am...yeeeehaw. Well, my mother still hasn't left. I wish she would hurry up and just leave...yah. LoL. She tweaked when I told her I was talking to a guy at midnight on the phone...it was great. Then she bombarded me with questions I never answered...lol. I'm not really tired, but my eyes are burning....drr. Anyways, have a good day everyone!

I can be very philosophical at times. Yep. That's me. But not right now...my philosophical self is worn out...I just wrote this thing on Fred Durst's xanga...yeah. very philosophical. "In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey." - Beck

Update:

Joy, you are a stumpy ass....rechoncho asno...LoL...jk!!

And I hate cleaning.

Everyone do me a favor and say this out loud: Crystal Kathryn. That sounds pretty, doesn't it? I think it does anyway...

I can't make my cookies until I have sugar, eggs, and butter. Yeah, I somehow forgot those when I went to Wal-Mart...

I read that book I got for my dad...here's some of it:

A daughter needs a dad . . . to teach her that men and women can be good friends.

. . . to remind her of the comfort of being held near and feeling secure.

. . . to carry her just because she wants to be carried.

. . . to think highly of her when no one else will.

. . . to hold her as she cries.

. . . so that when no one else is there for her, she can close her eyes and see him.

. . . who will let her know that while she may not be the center of someone else's world, she is the center of his.

. . . to be the safe spot she can always turn to.

. . . to tuck her in at night.

Now, I picked out the ones that mean the most to me, of course. They're all sweet, but these are the best. I love my dad so much, we have this great bond. But he's human, and his weakness is insensitivity. I can't cry on his shoulder, just because that's not how we are. When it comes to difficult things, he's impatient. When he's very angry, he swears a lot. But when he's in a good mood, he'll laugh and tease. Never even speak to him when he opens his bills. Better yet, don't even go near him until he's done. Don't talk to him in the middle of rush hour either. He'll even swear and yell at the stupid driver's. That's where my impatience on the road comes from... and my swearing when I'm angry... and when he's mad, don't have the volume on anything turned up, he'll just swear and turn it down for you. When he's in a good mood, he'll repeat everything a million times and you laugh every time except when the number hits a million and one... and you can have a good time with him just sittin around and throwin movie lines out there... we laugh a lot together. Office Space and The Big Lebowski are two of our favorite movies to watch together and spit lines out from. Anyways, I'm sorry. That pet name question thing got me thinkin about my dad...

I thought my mom would be gone when I got home, but she's still here. I dunno when she's leaving, she never talks to me. When she moves, I might as well never see her again. I had a daydream...but that daydream is so far fetched it isn't even funny. It's really hot in here...well. humid I should say...it's 55 degrees, but the humidity is 100%. Yeehaw...and all that. Went to Wal-Mart today. Got ingredients for cookies for my demonstration speech, and I got the floss stuff to tie my quilt, and I got this thing for my dad...it's almost his birthday, and I got him this book: Why A Daughter Needs A Dad, and there's 100 reasons in it. And he may not admit it, but my dad is a sentimental guy. He'll love it. I love buying gifts for people, especially ones that means something to them and that I know they'll love. I love making people happy.

But I'm sad right now. I have to go work on my quilt...

My quilt...yay!