I really have often wondered why life can't be easy. Mine, in particular. Why does everything have to be so hard? I think it's the fact that people make it hard. I make it hard, everyone in my life makes my life hard. Well, not everyone, I suppose, but a good deal of them do. Pressure from so many people to do the "right" things. My dad is always telling me that I need to succeed in life. That I can't end up like him. Well, I agree with him. But what if our definitions of "successful" differ? My definition of "successful" is this: Being happy with everything you do in your life, if you do this, you will be successful. That's it. Simple, easy. Successful has nothing to do with money in my eyes. Well, it does, when we're talking about my future family, I need to be able to provide. But there's a line there. There's a difference in providing for your family and striving for something more. It CAN be easy, but people have to make it hard. A lot of has to do with their definitions of words. My definitions are simple, but I cannot live up to them yet because I am too young. Once I am out on my own and making my own decisions, I happen to believe that my life won't be as hard as it is now. But, there is a problem there. I cannot make decisions. I can't. Now that's a pretty big problem.

But then again, there's the corrospondence with these people that make my life hard. One of these people is my mother. Another is my dad, although it is not his fault. I understand where he's coming from. He doesn't want me to be like him. My dad never finished high school, never went back for his ged, never went to college. And he regrets it. I can understand that. But the person I do not understand is my mother. Now, she has problems of her own. But her biggest problem is realizing she has problems and getting help for them. She went through awful things growing up, things I never went through, things that the worst nightmares are made from. I can understand that. But I can't understand her unwillingness to get help for herself, because her childhood demons still haunt her.

Life can be easy, yes, but it's very hard to get there. lol...kind of ironic, don't ya think? It all depends on the people that surround you. Changing the way you think....speaking of change, I have changed so unbelievably much since I was younger...even a couple years ago. I was talking to a friend of mine today, and told him how I used to break things when I was younger...closet doors and slamming brushes down on the bathroom counter and breaking them. But I grew out of that when I was about...well, it wasn't that long ago! It was about in 10th grade!! Or 9th, somewhere around there. And now I can control my anger, which is very hard to do sometimes, and I usually end up taking it out on people who don't deserve that. Like my sisters...when I'm angry I'll yell at them....sadly sounding a lot like my mother when she starts screaming. But she starts screaming at almost anything that's wrong. But I've changed a lot....after getting off the subject onto a tangent, which I seem to do quite often...

My "way" has changed tremendously. I used to be so quiet and shy...now I talk to everyone and laugh and everything. And this has happened in the last year, I think. Maybe....well, I don't know. I don't think it's because I'm a happier person, because I'm more stressed and sad now than I have ever been, but I think that...maybe I just hide everything even more now than I ever have before. I hide so much from everyone. A lot of things I think, a lot things that have happened to me. I talk candidly now about things that used to bother me so, like my mother. Now I can just say "yeah, my mom is messed but what can I do?" Whereas before I'd just shrug and change the subject. It's like I say it matter-of-factly. But there's something that scares me....

I find mysef numb a lot of the times. Not about things that happen to other people, but things that happen to me. I feel compassion towards other people, but not myself. I hate myself most of the time now, and I don't know why. Everyone tells me I'm nice and funny and a great person to talk to, but I just don't see it. Everyone I talk to online goes "I love talking to you!" And I always ask WHY??? because I just don't find myself worthy of the time. I try to take it like I understand, and I say thank you, but I really don't understand. There's really nothing special about me, just another person. Are these feelings normal?? Or am I just crazy??

I looked at the sunset last night. It was beautiful. I always think the same thing when I watch the sunset. It's so beautiful, so simple, yet so complicated. Light reflecting off all these little dust particles in the air, making these colors. It's so complicated, but the finished product is so simple. Why can't life be that way? Complicated, but simple? It often seems that it's not. But is it? After awhile, though, I get sad. I think about how much I want so much to fly away into that sunset and never return. I wanna sprout wings and fly; feel the wind on my face, be free. I think about how much I want my life to be beautiful like this sunset, but how my life is so ugly. There's so many ugly scars that my face and smile do not show. They're all underneath, hidden, buried, deep. I don't often get a chance to talk to anyone about anything, because they simply do not care. I don't want to spill myself out to someone who does not care. Now, I know that are people who care, and I know who you are. But sometimes it's so hard.

I talked to my sister, Ashley, last night. Around 8:30-9ish, she was the only left online that I was talking to. We started talking about how depressed she was. I admired her. She just started talking to me and all these things spilled out. I tried as hard as I could to tell her that all her feelings are normal. She's 12, and at what I call "the realization point". It's the point in a person's life when they realize that life is not all fun and games. It's the awkward age, when they're leaving their childhood and starting to become an adult. But she told me that she cries herself to sleep every night. It made me feel so bad, because I hear her sometimes when we are both at dad's house, and she cries late at night. I've never been real close to Ashley, and I was surprised that she chose to tell me all this. I told her that if she ever feels really sad, she can always IM me or call me, and I'll be there for her. And the subject of suicide did not come up, for which I am thankful. She's not there yet, and I hope she never gets there.

I have another sister, Rachel, who's 13, and at the same point in her life. Both of my sisters have a unique and different background, both of which are very sad. I'm scared of how they are going to turn out, because not everyone with our backgrounds turn out "right". I think Rachel is headed in the wrong direction. I really do. She makes me very nervous with the things she says to me and the things she does. I try to tell her all the time that she better be behaving...Rachel has always made me nervous when it comes to boys, and now I'm even more worried and nervous. I've always thought she's going to end up one of the ones to get herself in trouble at a young age.

It's so hard having two sisters at the same point, and having to have to be there for both of them, because they feel there is no one else. And from what I've heard from both of them, there really is no one else. It makes me sad that they feel this way, but it's so unbelievably normal. No one knows just how many young people are depressed...it's a lot.

I told Ashley last night that I am very perceptive, and I can see it. I can see it in almost everyone who has it, unless the person is extremly good at hiding it. But I can see it. I can see the pain in their eyes that they think they're hiding. I know how to look for it and I see it too much. It makes me sad to think that all these people feel so sad and depressed, but it's the truth.

Wow. This has been a very deep post. I hope I haven't made anyone too sad or anything....I'm sorry if I have.

My mother got me a robe from the Venetian.....I wish I could wear it to school....I don't wanna get ready. Today is gonna be one of those days where we don't go early....BLAH. I woke up at 3:30 this morning. I don't know why. I went to sleep at a normal time last night, like 10:30, and I still can't wake up to my alarm that goes off at 6:30...ya, ok, whatever....

hmmm....I have a lot to say to some things, but don't have the time at the moment...

"If you were to slit my throat I would spend my last dying moments apologizing for bleeding on your shirt."

I have no idea who wrote that, but I think it's beautiful.

Update:

I finally finshed tying my fucking quilt.

And my mother is home.

Maybe Tym is right...I think I write too much. But how the hell else am I supposed to communicate my feelings?! I'm simply too...far in my shell to actually tell people things, so I have to do it in a journal where people can read about it. And I've been in this computer lab so many times today it's not even funny. I was in one 1st hour cuz that's where my study hall is, I was in here 3rd hour for English, lunch cuz I have no money, and now 7th hour cuz I forgot my tying needle at home and I guess there's something going on in that room anyway and I can't be in there. So yeah. And I don't feel like working on English anymore and yeah. Haha...Mrs. A. is like, just go to the library, go somewhere. She don't care...she's the best. LoL. Spanish was last hour, and we didn't laugh as much as we usually do we were reviewing for the final. Fun fun eh? Or not...BLAH....I'm super bored though...grr. If only I had something else on the computer I can work on, cuz I've just been working on English too much today. I'm sick of it. Grr. Anyways, my eyes are kinda burning...I am kinda tired. I think I might call Tabitha and see what she's doin tonight. Haven't hung out with her in forever. Months, actually. The last time I saw her was like 2 weeks ago and that was the first time in months. And she was going from work to work, cuz she has two jobs....at least, she did at that time. I dunno if she still does.

I wanna dye my hair. Purple (natural burgundy-ish), with blonde, red, and black streaks. I've never done red or black streaks before n I wanna try it. Do they have at home black streak kits? I dunno if they do or not. Cuz I do my hair all on my own, can't afford a salon. Coloring costs sooooo much in a salon!!! omg....unless you go to the school of cosmotolgy, they do it cheap, but I went there once and the color isn't very permanant, it washed out like right away. And I have FOREVER until this hour is done...maybe I type too fast...and I don't feel like being creative and writing, so I guess it's all my fault I'm bored. But whatever....BLAH. I wish I could listen to some music, instead I have to listen to these shallow people talk about...well, I guess everything I talk about in here! But hmm...so I guess I'm shallow. Question of the day: Am I shallow????? GRRRR

Last night was hard. Really hard. My lifeline was my quilt. Mindless work. Where I didn't have to think about anything else except concentrate on what I was doing.

Stick the needle in the corner of the square, through all three layers. Bring it back up kitty corner of the next square, feel underneath, make sure the thread isn't too far away back there. Drag it through, make the two even, cut the thread right there, set needle aside. Left string over right, loop through once, twice. Right string over left, loop through once, twice. Cut them about half an ince from fabric. Move on. Pills . . . Stick the needle . . . move on . . . Knife . . . Stick the needle . . . move on . . . Run away . . . Stick the needle . . . move on . . .

I did this until 3 in the morning, until my fingers were ready to bleed at the blisters. I finally laid on my quilt, thinking. I wanted to, but Taylor needed me last night, my other life line. Maybe tonight, when I get home from the country music concert my step dad is taking us to . . .

Update:

It's raining. If I wasn't in such a bad mood, I'd dance in it. Maybe later. I looked at the radar and it's gonna be rainin for  long time, but there's gonna be a short break in a little bit, unless something develops there. So there's room for my mood to change. I slept almost all day today. I spent about an hour or so doing grad announcements. I got halfways done. I don't think we're going to the concert tonight, both of them are sick. Oh well, I should've expected it...it's all good.

I'm sorry I'm such a failure at everything.

My sister has a very bad earache. And I'm fucking pissed. My step dad NEEDS to take her to the ER, or get her some medicine, but of course he won't. There's no fucking reason for her to be in so much pain. She's fucking SCREAMING for god's sake. I can't stand the sound of her cries, if I had the fucking money I'd take her. Jackass.

I love how I can go and take a nap whenever I feel like it and I'll fall asleep. I dreamed I was a queen in a castle. The other nap I had I dreamed that my mother hated me.

And I painted my nails black with a line of metallic pink on the tips. Yay...depressing much?

This is one of those days where I let everything show on my face. All the pain I feel, all the hurt I stuff inside, it's all there. Written on my face. It's one of the days where I let everything hurt me. Where I just cry instead of laugh. I take naps to try and forget. I take naps to try and make everything better again. But they don't. I only remember everything when I wake up again. And it feels like no one cares, no one sees. Everything hurts in my mind. Even the good things, because I feel like there will be no more good things. I cannot smile.