May 28, 2004

  • My mother just went on a tirade about how my father never helps with me and how expensive I am. She says that he got rid of me at the right time: when it got expensive. And what happened about all the child support YOU never paid, mother? She hasn’t seen a penny from him.


    Why do I let her do this to me? Why do I let her hurt me this way? Do I like the pain she brings? Do I want it? Do I seek it? Why do I let it bother me so much?


    I should know by now that I shouldn’t pay any mind to the things that she says. I should know…but still…I let it hurt me. I open my heart countless times, and yet I know that I should not. I let her stab me in the heart countless times. Should I just keep it there? So it doesn’t get stuck back in? Can I kill myself? She doesn’t care. She’s so heartless. So cold. She doesn’t care if she hurts other people. She just doesn’t. And she’s my mother. She’s someone that isn’t fit to be one, but she is. Why are there people like her? To remind us that life is shit? Make lemonade from your lemons, right? Well, how am I supposed to do that? I don’t understand how I’m going to get through this. What’s my path? What’s my future? Am I ever going to get over her? Am I ever going to just accept the fact that she doesn’t care about me? Am I going to let her destroy me like her mother did to her? Am I ever going to stop listening to the things she says?


    Should I just stop talking to her as soon as I leave? Just forget about her, never speak to her again? I don’t know. I don’t know anything. She’s my MOM, I can’t HATE her, but at the same time, I resent her. I wish she wasn’t my mother. Is that such a bad thought? I wish I never knew her, never met her. Is it better to live a sheltered life, never knowing anything? Or to live a life of pain and know everything? Can I isolate myself for the rest of my life? Have I lived enough of life? Can I just quit?


    She supposedly taking us to a movie and dinner tomorrow. I don’t want to go.


    I want to kill myself tonight.