May 25, 2004
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I looked at the sunset last night. It was beautiful. I always think the same thing when I watch the sunset. It’s so beautiful, so simple, yet so complicated. Light reflecting off all these little dust particles in the air, making these colors. It’s so complicated, but the finished product is so simple. Why can’t life be that way? Complicated, but simple? It often seems that it’s not. But is it? After awhile, though, I get sad. I think about how much I want so much to fly away into that sunset and never return. I wanna sprout wings and fly; feel the wind on my face, be free. I think about how much I want my life to be beautiful like this sunset, but how my life is so ugly. There’s so many ugly scars that my face and smile do not show. They’re all underneath, hidden, buried, deep. I don’t often get a chance to talk to anyone about anything, because they simply do not care. I don’t want to spill myself out to someone who does not care. Now, I know that are people who care, and I know who you are. But sometimes it’s so hard.
I talked to my sister, Ashley, last night. Around 8:30-9ish, she was the only left online that I was talking to. We started talking about how depressed she was. I admired her. She just started talking to me and all these things spilled out. I tried as hard as I could to tell her that all her feelings are normal. She’s 12, and at what I call “the realization point”. It’s the point in a person’s life when they realize that life is not all fun and games. It’s the awkward age, when they’re leaving their childhood and starting to become an adult. But she told me that she cries herself to sleep every night. It made me feel so bad, because I hear her sometimes when we are both at dad’s house, and she cries late at night. I’ve never been real close to Ashley, and I was surprised that she chose to tell me all this. I told her that if she ever feels really sad, she can always IM me or call me, and I’ll be there for her. And the subject of suicide did not come up, for which I am thankful. She’s not there yet, and I hope she never gets there.
I have another sister, Rachel, who’s 13, and at the same point in her life. Both of my sisters have a unique and different background, both of which are very sad. I’m scared of how they are going to turn out, because not everyone with our backgrounds turn out “right”. I think Rachel is headed in the wrong direction. I really do. She makes me very nervous with the things she says to me and the things she does. I try to tell her all the time that she better be behaving…Rachel has always made me nervous when it comes to boys, and now I’m even more worried and nervous. I’ve always thought she’s going to end up one of the ones to get herself in trouble at a young age.
It’s so hard having two sisters at the same point, and having to have to be there for both of them, because they feel there is no one else. And from what I’ve heard from both of them, there really is no one else. It makes me sad that they feel this way, but it’s so unbelievably normal. No one knows just how many young people are depressed…it’s a lot.
I told Ashley last night that I am very perceptive, and I can see it. I can see it in almost everyone who has it, unless the person is extremly good at hiding it. But I can see it. I can see the pain in their eyes that they think they’re hiding. I know how to look for it and I see it too much. It makes me sad to think that all these people feel so sad and depressed, but it’s the truth.
Wow. This has been a very deep post. I hope I haven’t made anyone too sad or anything….I’m sorry if I have.
