Fill this out =) because if you had one, I'd fill it out for you too!!

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends? 
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me? 
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 
7. Describe me in one word. 
8. What was your first impression of me? 
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me? 
11. If you could give me anything what would it be? 
12. How well do you know me? 
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 
15. Are you going to put this on your Xanga and see what I say about you?
16. How much do you love me?

Remember that book I bought for my dad, Why A Daughter Needs A Dad? Well, I just wrote a little inscription in it, and I thought I'd share it:

"Daddy-
"I saw this book in Wal-Mart and thought it would be a cool gift, so I bought it. But as I brought it home, read it, contemplated it, this book became much more than a "cool gift".
"This book was written to you by me, only it wasn't. I hope you can understand what I mean. If you don't, or in case you don't, I will explain it to you: This book contains all my thoughts about you; what you are to me and I hope you can be to me. It says what I believe you to be to me and what I wish you to be to me.
"This book has everything in it in written words that I cannot say. It is difficult for me to tell people my thoughts and feelings in verbal form, you know this. That's why this book is so perfect. I hope you keep it an treasure it for always... in fact, I know you will. Whenever I am not with you, and you miss me, you can pull out this book, read these words I have written to you, and read this book.
"It is my number one fear in life, to disappoint you. If ever I do disappoint you, I am sorry, Please don't blame me for my mistakes. And I feel I have already made countless mistakes and disappointed you countless times already in my 18 years. I have cried countless tears for these mistakes I've made, wanting to relive a moment, take back words and things I've done. Maybe it's all a part of growing up, these mistakes, but still I want to change them. But it is impossible to erase or change the past, the past is untouchable, only a bubble of memory in the mind.
"And life is all about making mistakes, learning from them, and taking great care not to repeat these mistakes. Even with these thoughts, it is still my greatest fear, disappointing you. I know you will always love me, no matter what I do, but my fear is still there. I also want you to know that I know you've done everything you can to make me happy and to try and live a better life, and I love you so much for it. I know that sometimes it seems like I don't appreciate everything you've done, but I do. I know that sometimes I can act like a bitchy brat and you try everything you can think of to lighten my mood. Thank you for that, even though a lot of times, it doesn't seem to work, it does, I just don't show it, because I'm stubborn. And I can admit that!
"It's Sunday night as I write this, the day before Memorial Day. I see you and Ashley tomorrow, and I'm excited, because I haven't seen you in so long.
"I'm thinking of moving out of Minnesota. I hate it here, and I feel like there's nothing for me here. I've felt this way for a long time, something like a year. If I do decide to move, I hope you can support me in my decision. I hope it doesn't disappoint you.
"I love you daddy.
"Love Always~
"Crystal"

Well, that's what I wrote to him. I wrote diagonal along the front 2 pages and the last page in the book, you know, the white space. I love my daddy.....as you can tell....I know he's going to love it....it's almost his birthday!! I can't wait to give him this book....

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserves.

My nose is itching like crazy right now...seriously. It's driving me nuts...I hate it when this happens....it gets all red and arg!

Well whatever....I'm doing my homework, I'm about halfways done with one subject, so whoot. I'm listening to Staind right now, Break the Cycle. I love this cd...I know it by heart. The entire thing, you hear me?! And I'm drinkin LiveWire MD and eatin nothin. Just kinda a lax day, ya know? I woke up at about 7 something, talked to someone for a little while, then went back to sleep. Until about 1:30. Hahaha....I stayed up til about 2 something last night or something. Right around 2, I danced in the rain. It was great. Stretched out my arms n spun in circles, tilted my head to the sky, opened my mouth, and drank the rain. Laughed, got dizzy, almost fell and made myself completely soaking wet, lol. I made my pajama pant legs wet as it was, so I had ta change when I got back in the house. But I had fun. Ain't life grand?

I saw Beth last night, my mom's friend. She's read some of my stuff, she said it made her cry, because it was so sad and because of my talent. Gave her a big hug when she got here and when she left. And while she was here, my sister was biting my leg like she was a cat or something. That was pretty odd...haha...Beth told me that I'm really good at having multiple conversations on AIM....and we made a cake!! Well, my mom made it. She was pretty drunk last night...so yeah. It took my sister, my mom, and I about an  hour or so to clean the frickin kitchen last night! That was crap....but anyways, I gave Malachi a huge hug when he left, cuz he was pretty upset. He goes "Thank you Crystal, I really needed that." But that's me, always giving people what they need, what they want. Crystal is a people pleaser........

And Crystal gets to see her sister Ashley tomorrow!! Yay!! And she's gonna gimme the 15 cd's that I had her burn for me, lol. She had a lot that I wanted! So I gave her a whole bunch of blank cd's and a list, and walla! Well, I gave her all this like 6 months or so ago, and she just now has them done, but yeah.

I have a huge bump on my head. Yesterday, I walked right into the edge of a cupboard door that was open. All our doors and cupboards in the house are solid oak, so umm...yeah. That kinda hurt, just a little bit. It frickin hurts!! Geez! hahaha....holy crap my nails can be weapons!! They're sooo long...but they'll be breaking soon, I just know it! But oh well, that's life. It breaks, grows back, breaks, grows back....just like me!! I always seem to bounce back, no matter what, so yeah. Strong spirit is me....Or would that be a strong will? Strong soul? I haven't a clue...

Sheryl Crow~My Favorite Mistake

I woke up and called this morning
The tone of your voice was a warning
That you don't care for me anymore

I made up the bed we sleep in
I looked at the clock when you creep in
It's 6 a.m. and I'm alone

[Chorus:]
Did you know when you go
It's the perfect ending
To the bad day I been used to spending
When you go all I know is
You're my favorite mistake

Your friends are sorry for me
They watch you pretend to adore me
But I'm no fool to this game

Now here comes your secret lover
She'd be unlike any other
Until your guilt goes up in flames

[Chorus]

You're my favorite mistake

Well maybe nothin' lasts forever
Even when you stay together
I don't need forever after
It's your laughter won't let me go
So I'm holding on this way

Did you know, could you tell
You were the only one
That I ever loved
Now everything's so wrong

Did you see me walking by?
Did it ever make you cry?

You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake

WHOOT

Sadness and fear grow like a wild rose bush.
The roses here are not red. They are black. See the little girl there? She is but five years old. Her hair is long, ragged, snarled. It's brown, and goes to the middle of her back. Do you see the wind snatch it and twirl it around? Her shirt is black, ragged, too small. Do you see her ribs sticking out? She's wearing a pair of blue jean shorts. There are frays from where they were cut off. Do you see her white stick legs?
Do you hear that thunder? It's so angry. Do you see the black sky? It's starts to rain tears. Are they your tears?
Are you looking back at the girl now? Do you see her cut a rose from the bush? She holds the stem in her hand. Do you see the thorns pierce her skin? Do you see the blood?
She turns her face towards you now. Are you locking eyes with her? Her eyes are blue, the bluest eyes you'll ever see. They hold you, never letting you go. Do you see the tears of blood running down her pale face? Do you see the neverending pain in her eyes?
Do you see her in your mind, standing next to the black rose bush? Do you scream for her, telling her to put the rose down, she's hurting herself? Do you start to run for her? But do you feel how your feet are glued to the ground? Do you stretch out your hand to her? Do you yell at her, telling her to come to you? Can you yell over the wind rain and thunder? Are you crying for her?
No matter what you say, she cannot hear you. She just holds your eyes captive, never wavering or letting you go. She stands just feet from you, but you cannot reach her.
Are you still crying for her?

This little girl is me. Can you see it in your mind?

~*~

I wrote this in my notebook this morning. Thankfully, my ribs no longer show as they did at the age of five. Why are my hands so cold right now?

Evanescence~Bring Me To Life

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

My mother just went on a tirade about how my father never helps with me and how expensive I am. She says that he got rid of me at the right time: when it got expensive. And what happened about all the child support YOU never paid, mother? She hasn't seen a penny from him.

Why do I let her do this to me? Why do I let her hurt me this way? Do I like the pain she brings? Do I want it? Do I seek it? Why do I let it bother me so much?

I should know by now that I shouldn't pay any mind to the things that she says. I should know...but still...I let it hurt me. I open my heart countless times, and yet I know that I should not. I let her stab me in the heart countless times. Should I just keep it there? So it doesn't get stuck back in? Can I kill myself? She doesn't care. She's so heartless. So cold. She doesn't care if she hurts other people. She just doesn't. And she's my mother. She's someone that isn't fit to be one, but she is. Why are there people like her? To remind us that life is shit? Make lemonade from your lemons, right? Well, how am I supposed to do that? I don't understand how I'm going to get through this. What's my path? What's my future? Am I ever going to get over her? Am I ever going to just accept the fact that she doesn't care about me? Am I going to let her destroy me like her mother did to her? Am I ever going to stop listening to the things she says?

Should I just stop talking to her as soon as I leave? Just forget about her, never speak to her again? I don't know. I don't know anything. She's my MOM, I can't HATE her, but at the same time, I resent her. I wish she wasn't my mother. Is that such a bad thought? I wish I never knew her, never met her. Is it better to live a sheltered life, never knowing anything? Or to live a life of pain and know everything? Can I isolate myself for the rest of my life? Have I lived enough of life? Can I just quit?

She supposedly taking us to a movie and dinner tomorrow. I don't want to go.

I want to kill myself tonight.

run

she runs
her black dress flowing behind her
in the wind

her hands
scrape the brick
of the neverending wall

her fingernails are torn off and
her fingers are bleeding
but she does not stop running

the skin on her feet is torn
bleeding
still she runs

the tears flow from her eyes
she cries for the physical pain
but not the emotional

she will never stop running
she must get away
from the demons that chase her

she never looks back
just run
along this neverending brick wall

her fingers scraping the side
her feet torn
her tears bitter

she welcomes the pain
she will never stop
because they will never stop

secret

i lay here in my dark hiding place
curled in a ball
no one can find me here
no one will look here
sadness overtakes me
a tiny tear
too small
it slowly rolls down
i feel it
i don't bother to wipe it away
i cry this bitter tear
this lonely tear
curled up
in my hiding place
fear
dark, lonely sadness
envelopes me
i
c
r
y
wallow in this pain
now it's numb
empty
the tear was cried away
nothing
black
darkness