Goddamn is Johnny Depp hot!!!!!!!
I seriously need to get all my writing on discs. All this paper is a pain in the ass. I have oodles and oodles of notebooks. Poems, song, stories, (*Many*) beginnings of unfinished shit...today was a bad day. I need my pants. Tabitha has them. Grr. I hope she got my message...Anyway, I am soooo bored and I can't seem to write right now. Damn I hate that....
So I started writing a new story last night. I have an idea of where it's going, but I'm not sure yet. Speech meet tomorrow. I'm excited. I'm remembering to take my pills now, cuz I know what it feels like to forget. Anyway, I'm tired. Blllllllaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh
So I was in court today. The judge didn't give me a fine, for which I am so grateful. He suspended my license for a month (which means I can only drive to school, work, and run errands. No "Pleasure driving" as he called. And I have to have a clean driving record for 6 months and it'll be dismissed. So yay. Then we (my dad and I) ate at Perkins then we went to my doctor's appointment. We had hours to kill, so me and my dad talked. I mean really talked. He admitted some of his faults and I admitted some of mine. He wanted to talk about the future, but I didn't want to, so I didn't. But it was good.
Okay. So my cat is on the desk, walking right in front of me and choking me with her tail. Ahh, she's finally ...no wait. She got up again. I can't see what I'm doing!! Help!
Meagan, please don't blame yourself for not realizing that I had problems. I noticed that as I sat at the lunch table, no one noticed I was depressed except for Stacy. She almost made me late for class because she wanted to make me tell her what my problem was, but I didn't have enough time to explain everything, so I said I couldn't.
Beth, I'm sorry that things didn't go well with your aunt and uncle, I really am.
I don't make a conscious effort to not take my pills. When I get to school, I say shit cuz I realized I forgot. And I keep forgetting to put a post it on the door asking myself if I've taken my pills. So I don't know what to do. And I forgot to take my Trazadone last night to help me sleep and I had the worst nightmare ever and I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. (Wow what a run on sentence!!) There was a pinkish/red fungus in all the water that put gross red bumpy shit all over peoples' bodies. Then it killed them. So if your water looks a little pinkish, don't drink it.
My cat keeps putting her butt in my face...
My mom just called from Lake Tahoe. Mom and Brent went there Sunday to find places to live and jobs. They'll be back tomorrow. I couldn't really say anything to her. I felt really depressed. I'm choosing to stay behind, I guess. My mom gave me a choice, and I said that I wanted to stay here. Who wants to switch schools when over half of their senior year is over? I didn't wanna have a group senior pic and not be able to point anyone out in 20 or 30 years. But, if I were moving with them, it still would be a huge thing because I'd be moving away from my father, whom I am very attatched to. I guess my other sister, Rach, is in a worse spot because she has to decide who to live with at the end of the summer when her dad and our mom go back to court ( Rach has a diff. dad then me, but the same mom.. same with Taylor, but Ashley is my sister from my dad and her mom). Very complicated family situation....people often get confused when I talk about different sisters all the time.
I often wonder what it would be like if Nicole had survived and if she was in my life. What would she look like? Would we have a relationship like me and Rachel have? Would Rachel, Taylor and Ashley exist as sisters to me? Would my parents still be together? Would I be happier? The last question is key for me. I ask myself what it would be like if Dawn hadn't been killed when I was 5. It's funny how I only remember the good things about her. Like when she taught me how to do cartwheels and when she read to me all the time. It seems like my entire family is doomed to misfortune. It really is a miracle that I'm still here. I should've killed myself a long time ago. But I haven't. Why? Is there really a plan for me? A plan to actually do some good in the world? Why can't I find faith in God? Why are there so many damn answered questions?
Rambling on to friends who don't listen, friends who don't see my tears, friends who are dealing with their own shit, friends who may wonder what the fuck is wrong with me but never think to ask. Friends who aren't my friends. Friends who offer to let me live in their house then ask for rent after I've moved in. Who kicked me out when I had no place to go. Who then spread false rumors about me. Friends who made a fucking bet about how long I'd stay at Miranda's house. Yeah, I know about that. Surprised? Friends who backstab me, talk about me behind my back. Yes, these people are my friends. And I wonder why I can't fucking trust anybody.
I'm sorry. I haven't taken my goddamn pills in three days.
la di da di ladee doo. I am currently in a very fucked up state of mind. I haven't taken my pills in three days. Grr blah. The speech meet was horrid. How can I write about what's going on in my head?
My mom, step dad, and youngest sister are moving to Lake Tahoe in 3-4 weeks. I'm staying here, in this huge house all by my lonesome (until it gets sold), in an apartment all by my lonesome, or at Miranda's house. I don't think I'm ready to live on my own, taking care of myself. So many people my age think that they're ready to be on their own, but they're really not. And I really don't wanna barge in on Miranda's family again, so I don't know. I'm scared of what's going to happen. There, I admitted it. I'm scared. And I'm already feeling lonely. How the hell am I supposed to deal with this? I can't help but feel abandoned, like my mom doesn't want me. Her reasons for moving are these: she can't afford to keep up medical costs that this winter season gives her (flu, earaches, throataches), she hates it here, and she wants to start her life over. Without me in it, I guess. I started crying today in Spanish. Does that make me weak? I feel like crying right now...
Why do I try? Seriously. Things are so bad right now, but I can't discuss anything. Fuck....I just feel like lashing out irrationally. Gerri's been seriously pissing me off, I have no fucking money to send my goddamn college apps, which were supposed to be in a long damn time ago, I have to go to fucking court and I have a goddamn speeding ticket because I was trying to get to my doctor's appt. on time, my goddamn tabs were due last month and that $100 I don't fucking have, I have to buy fabric for my quilt, that's more money I don't have. Why the fuck does everything have to fucking cost so much????????!!!!!!!!! Jesus fucking Christ!!!!!!!!
It's snowing. The roads are horrible. The plows aren't sanding and we have like 6 inches already, and it's still snowing. Grr. It'll take me an hour and a half to get home. Son of a mother. I saw S.W.A.T. and How to Deal. Good movies, I think. I'm not quite sure what other people think. No one is answering the phone at home. I wonder if there's something wrong. Grr.
~Crystal
