I decided I'm not going to do my homework. So yeah. So many things going on, it's like a blur. I don't want it to go so fast.

To understand, you must completely open yourself. You must rule your life with certainty, living your life to the fullest. Observe those around you, take not of all. Do not judge. It is not your place to judge. Who are you to pass judgment onto others? Dance in the rain, feel the drops on your face, close your eyes, savior the moment. After it is done, a new one begins. Everything changes. Kiss the snow, let it melt on your lips. Watch the sunset with brevity for the new day waiting for you. Kiss every moment with love; cherish everything around you, good and bad. And who are you to judge what is good or bad? It is only your perception, and yours alone; remember this. Gaze with wonder and awe at all that surrounds you; go back in time...a thousand years...two...three. Take nothing for granted. You are lucky, you are special. Life is fragile, time is not. Time goes on without life. Time passes, all too quickly. Remember that you are your own person, let no one change you. Every aspect of you is what makes you you. Live for tomorrow, the next hour, the next minute, even the next second. And remember not to pass judgment, it is not your place.

Crying, tears streaking down a dirty face, making rivers. Sniffling, choking on air, sobbing. Running, scared, cold. Breaths come out as puffs in the cold night air, body's cold, although running. Running, forever running, trying to stay warm. The darkness will soon overcome, swallow the tiny body whole, although the legs run for forever, they are not fast enough. It is not possible to outrun the darkness. The darkness that lasts forever. Straining, crying, freezing tears. The air gets colder, every second. How long can this little body run? How long until it falls, gasping, choking, crying? Until the darkness overcomes? Where is the light? A hole in the ground, the fragile body trips, stumbles, falls. Screaming, darkness and cold rush onto the small body, forever trapping it in its grip. The screams are swallowed up, no more sound. Only the rushing in the tiny ears, the rushing of something unknown, always growing louder. And the cold, the bitter cold. Nowhere to run to now, the body grows so cold, but the flowing blood never stops running, only slowing, slowing down. Going so slowly now. And the darkness. The eyes cannot see, the body stays in one spot, never moving, terror coursing through the veins, the mouth frozen in that perfect O.

Ha. My four inch heels are just regular black high heels, Calvin Klein's. Everyone asks me how I can walk with them on, but it's so easy. Just lift your feet higher...

I've decided that I'm not going to go to college next year. I'm gonna take the year off and work. It's funny. My mom supported my decision, but my dad didn't. I just think it's right because I'm not ready, and I know it. 2 months and a week isn't enough time for me to recover from high school and jump head first into college. I don't think I could handle it. I can hardly handle high school right now. My dad seems to think that I'll never go to college if I don't go right away. So I asked him if he doubts that I'll go to college, if he doubted me, essentially. He wouldn't answer that question. I knew that was what he was thinking.

It's kinda scary. I know my dad better than he knows himself. I always point out his habits to him, and he says that he didn't know. I always know what he's thinking. I know what kinds of gifts to get him. Like his birthday present this last year: I cross stitched this really pretty red dragon flying across the sun for him, then I added "Happy 39th Birthday, Love, Crystal". I knew he'd love it and I made it right in front of him, except for the letters of course, and he didn't know it was for him. Then I had it framed and everything. And for Christmas I got him a dolphin snow globe that lights up and a CD I knew he'd love, which he did. He listens to the CD all the time in his truck. And I know that my mom will love anything you get her that's some sort of decoration for the house that matches somewhere.

All my sisters are easy to please, just get them some jewelry. Hmm. But I've been thinking about other gift ideas for them. I'm gonna give Taylor a scrapbook decorated with horses that I'm gonna make sometime. The same with Rach, except with dolphins and killer whales. I'm not sure about Ashley. I'm not that close to her, which is sad. She likes clothes, makeup, smelly stuff, but I know of nothing that requires any thought. But it's kinda hard when I only see her about once a month. And she's always sick, poor thing. Maybe I'll make her a quilt, I dunno......

16th out of 39. Is that bad? 4 3 4? Grr. I fuckin hate judges. All they do is write positive shit, so how the fuck am I supposed to know what I'm doing wrong? I just don't understand.

I quit my job tonight. I told my boss that I was quitting, clocked out, and walked out. It felt so great, after I got over the "OMFG I just quit" part of it. Dorothy backed me up, which is the only one I told. I didn't even tell Brittney. I mean wtf. I tell him for months not to schedule me for Sat., so what does he do when speech season starts up? Schedules me for Sat., and no fuckin shit I can't do anything when I wake up at 5 in the morning, have to wear 4 inch heels all day, then go home right away, change for work, and work as soon as I get off the damn bus. Fuck that shit.

I'm ready to quit on life.

It's not possible to have a truly happy life, is it? It's sad. No one can ever have a happy life, through and through. Quite impossible, I think. It only seems that way. People put on powerful masks, made of steel, unbreakable. And yet, even though it looks so real, it is so fake, but only to the people who see it for what it really is. Others look the other way, pretending not to see it. Why? Why must all of mankind be doomed for an eternity of loss and suffering? Why can't can't it changed? It can only be changed if everyone wants it to change. And until everyone can aknowledge that there is something wrong, this will never happen, it will never change. Such deep thinking for so early in the morning...

My eyes are burning. Hmm. My nails are long. Pretty pretty. After I broke a third nail last night, I just ripped em all off. They were growing off anyway.

"Dexter's a chicken..Dexter's a chicken..MOO!" - Good Burger

Have I ever said how much I love reading novels by Dean Koontz? Everything of his just scares the shit outta me, and yet, I still read them...funny.

More doctor's appointments today. I forgot to take my pills this morning. Blaahhh. I hate doctors.

I don't have much time...

Okay, so my life used to bad like that, it hasn't been until recentely that my life has gotten better (in the last 5 years, about), and now it's falling apart again. Is it gonna keep going in this sad cycle? Neither of my parents drink or do drugs anymore. My dad hasn't for 5 years (about since I was 12...), and my mom has only recenetly (in the last few months) realized the mistakes of her ways. And now she's moving. The future is so uncertain, and I hate that....anyway, the bell is about to ring...

What the fuck. Depression isn't anyone's fault, it's a disease. One that has a chemical inbalance, and I can't help the way I feel. And what the fuck is this attention shit? Why the fuck would I want any attention from you? You're ignorant. Second of all, I did pick up my shit at Miranda's. And Mary wouldn't let me give her any money. Also, I had no time to do anything around the house. I worked every single fucking week day in October, and almost the same in November, which is when I fucking moved back home. I haven't had any time for myself since September. You're just fucking pissed cuz I lived at Miranda's house and you didn't, I spent more time with her, I knew she was pregnant before you, whatever. You should learn to grow up and pull your backwards hillbilly small town head out of your fucking ass. You know fucking jack shit about my goddamn life and what I've been through and never thought to fucking ask, so shut your goddamn pigheaded mouth.

You won't amount to anything in life, Ashley. You're a loser who's been taking 10th grade English for the past two years, going on three. How the fuck hard is that class that you have to fail it so many times? I don't see anyone else taking that class three times. You're cold, inconsiderate, racist, ignorant, and obviously stupid. Just like Gerri, always jumping to conclusions without knowing everything. Those are the dumbest kind of people, who jump to conclusions. You've never experienced anything in your life that even comes close to what I have. If you were in my situation, I could guarentee that you would be on heavy drugs, dropped out of school, drinking, or dead. Have you ever changed schools 13 times? Ever get punched cuz your father was drunk and thought it would be funny? Ever get burned by cigarettes cuz your parents were high on cocaine or heroine? Ever had to move out of your apartment in the middle of the night? Ever had to live at your grandma's house cuz your dad was drinking too much? Ever had to hide in the dark closet cuz you thought your mom was going to kill you? Ever had to find your own food in the house when you were only 3 cuz your parents were high and would cook for you? Ever had to spend th night alone because your dad was at a party all night long and had to get yourself ready for school in the morning when you were 5? HUH???????? I didn't fucking think so. Keep your fucking mouth shut.

May I cry now?

I had a dream last night. I'll share it...

I am in another country with my mom. I am afraid to have the lights on. I don't know why. I go down to the basement where my mom is on the phone. She introduces this guy to me. She tells me that he loves to read, that his room is 2/3 full of books. So I go with him and I discover that he also loves movies. I see something that I want and I ask him how much he wants me to pay him for it. It's a two-movie set of DVD's. I open one side and discover that there is something missing. I point to the empty space. I open the other side and discover that there is another thing missing. I point to it and ask him where they are. He says he doesn't know. I realize that he is much taller than me (I am only 5 ft. tall, so anyone over 5'4" is a giant to me...) and older. I then say, "You know how much I love Final Fantasy," (although I have no idea how he could know, since I only just met him), then we leave.

This country is one of turmoil. There were rebel forces ruling, then the good side started gaining back power. Both sides rule, even in the same city. It is a very dangerous place. This guy is a major part of the good side. I go with him on a nightly patrol. They patrol to try and keep peace within the people. We are walking on a dark street and we hear screaming in a house. He tells me to stay out on the street. This is when I leave my body and go inside the house; I believe it is called astral projection. I watch him enter the now silent house. "Hello? Anyone home?" He calls softly. There is a man with a knife behind the door. I want to cry out to him, tell him that there is danger, but I cannot. They fight, wrestling around. The guy gets stabbed. I watch, silent, horrified. He gets the man with the knife under control. There comes a little girl, crying. It is now that I re-enter my body and I am actually in the house. Then, there's a young boy, about 8, crying. His arms are slashed, on the tops, many, many times, and he is still bleeding, some slashes are scabbed over. I tell him it's okay, and show him my own arms, because they are also slashed several times. He stops crying.

Then we jump through time and we are at a book/movie rental place. I am doing homework at the edge of a counter. I ask him why he's standing so far away. He moves closer, curls his arm around my waist and leans down next to me. He kisses my neck and it is now that I realize I am in love with him. It is his turn and he rents his things. Then he leaves for awhile. I want to rent a book that looks good. I don't have an account there. The man behind the counter asks me what my DOB is. I say I can't remember. I can see the screen and he is looking at Dirk's account (the guy's name, I wasn't allowed to know his name, but I recognize his picture). I'm horrified, sick to my stomach, scared. They grab me and take me prisoner, for they knew I was with Dirk. They take me to a room, where they also have Dirk as a prisoner. I'm sobbing. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I say over and over again. He smiles and says, "It's okay." Then they chop his head off. I scream, and they move to me, but I wake up before they can kill me.

This dream terrifies me. And there may be a few parts that I forgot or got wrong...I don't know.