I'm more inspired to write right now than I have been in a very long time. Thank you, LWOld Man, for writing such a good story (of which I'm still not caught up in reading, btw..). I think I'm gonna go continue something that I haven't finished yet...I don't know what, though. I'll find something...

But it is just more than my childhood that screws me up. I'm quite sure that it has something to do with the fact that I feel so unloved by everyone around me, and it just goes so deep. When I cry, I not only think about my past, but also the present. Things aren't any better than they used to be. My mind moves all over the place emotionally, even though I've stopped moving all over physically. It feels the same now as it did then...only now, I know things that I do not want to know. So many times I wish that I was little again, so that I didn't know anything...aah, "Ignorance is bliss." But it's these same things that I know now that makes me the strong person that I am now. If I wasn't so strong, I'd be dead by now, long gone in the ground. But now I don't want the "easy" way out. I want the struggle. I want that struggle... to be succesful, to be happy. I want to wake up one day, look in the mirror and smile, and say, I did it. And to me, being succesful is not being rich and powerful, no. It's being happy with what you're doing, knowing that you're doing the right thing with your life. What's right for you. Some day, that'll be me.

grr. I went to the Return of the King again. I'm kinda tired, but I don't want to go to sleep. I don't know what kind of nightmares will haunt my dreams. Besides, I can't sleep much. So what am I supposed to do??! grr

I cried today. My mom brought up some things that I didn't remember from when I was little. She told me how my dad used to do heroin and shit. She kept telling me all these bad things that I went through, long since forgotten. I wanted it to stay that way. Is that so much to ask? And she wouldn't stop. She wouldn't stop talking to me, and I wanted her to. Why am I so fucked in the head? Where the fuck did I get it from? I don't understand. I just want to be NORMAL, is that so much to ask??! I guess it is, cuz I'm definately not normal. I have anxiety, insomnia, and I'm manic-depressive. I need to be on so many pills, it's not even funny. But I have no money. Neither does my mom. She has to sell the house at the end of the school year. I should work on my homework. I'm such a damn procrastinator, so I can't complain much about how much shit I have to do. But I honestly can't help it. I'd much rather do so many other things, I just can't do what I HAVE to do. GRR

Stupid fat hobbit

I'm tired, but what else is new?

Yesterday I skipped school after lunch and I went to Menomonie with Tabitha. We had a pretty good time. We drove for about 4 hours (there and back) and stayed for 10 minutes. Well, a little longer, cuz we had to eat. She tried to find out if she had a parking pass for this next semester. She find out nothin. But that's okay. We had fun. I wanna go to Bingo tonight. I'm bored right now. I went to Elfwood today, somewhere I hadn't been for a very long time. Months. I couldn't even remember my password. So I'm sad. But anyway, it's almost the weekend and I'm happy. I told Lindsey about my friend Jamie from Montgomery. About how she was so close to killing herself and I never knew until she told me. She was always so happy, laughing and smiling and everything. And it made me sad to think about, because I haven't kept in touch with her. I still have her number, I wonder if she lives in the same place. I should call her, but it's be so weird, cuz I haven't talked to her in like a year. She probably wouldn't even remember me. The last time I talked to her was when I was "with" Chris, so it was way over a year ago. Now I'm depressed again. grr

Seconds

time stands still

lives hang in the balance of it

frozen solid

slow motion

the wandering spirit finds meaning but is still lost

swaying from side to side

the seconds slowly tick away

       tick                tock                                 tick                         tock

free will is wrenched away in the precious time

time rushes back

it goes so fast

running to and fro

the seconds pass by so quickly

tick   tick   tick   tick

innocence stolen, one moment in time

shot down

meaningless

I didn't go to bed last night til midnight and I woke up at 6:30. I spoke to Mister Officer Lee just now. He's always telling everyone that I wanna be in the FBI.

I hope my cat eats her food. It makes me sad when she doesn't eat...Anyway, I gotta go talk to the counselor about college schtuff.......

GB did not choke. Damn. Oh well.........

I got a cat. I'm happy. I named her Ruby cuz she's kinda orangish/yellowish. Really pretty medium-haired. But the poor thing. It's too damn thin. She got left at the pound by some people...they left her in a box on the step. They didn't take care of her. They never fed her or something. And the poor thing won't come out from under the bed except when it's just me. She trusts me, which is nice. Not a lot of people do. And she won't eat. She only will when I lay down in front of her food dish and point at it. It looks like it's hard for her to eat hard food, so I'm getting some 9 Lives soft food today. How was everyone's Christmas? Mine was "good". "B-E_A-Utiful", which it isn't today...the snow is melted from this last week, but now it's damn cold outside! Well, Green Bay is playing Seattle right now and I hope GB CHOKES!!!!