Okay. So I just realized something very depressing. It was exactly a year ago tonight that my mother actually kicked me out of the house. Here's what happened:

Last Christmas Eve, I called my mom to see if I could go to church cuz my entire family was going and I wanted to go. She said no cuz Brent (my stepdad) was already on his way to pick me up (this was before I could drive). So I said okay, but I was upset cuz I really wanted to go. And when I got home, I had myself under control until my sisters started in on me. They were screaming and everything. And my previous upset boiled to the surface and a new one was starting as well. And I screamed back at them. So my mom told me that I was ruining her Christmas and she wanted my dad to come pick me up cuz she couldn't deal with me. So I said okay and called him and he drove an hour and a half just to pick me up. So guess what. Christmas morning she left a message on my dad's phone that she wants me to come home, she missed me and she wanted me to open my presents. But do you have any idea how awful it is to be kicked out of the house in the first place by your mother? I can tell you, I felt so damn awful, I cried all night long. Although I should've been used to her shit, it still upset me . . .

Merry Christmas!! I love Christmas. It's kinda white this year, but it's been melting. Anywayz, I'm eatin some lefsa right now...mmm! Gotta love it. But anyway, we're goin to church tonight at 11. I gotta go with my dad. So I won't be home till 1 or later. That's gonna suck cuz lunch is at 12 tomorrow at Aunty Peggy's. I got a $50 gift certificate from Barb for Christmas. I was like, omfg. And dad was whispering about it to grandma, so I guess there's a secret there. And he bought me and Ashley a PS2 for Christmas for his house. So that was pretty exciting. Anyway, I'm gonna go now . . . Merry Christmas again!!

~Crystal

Hey Skittle...How's Little Willie? Taste the Rainbow man!! hehe...

I'm sorry...I just had to say that before I forget again...

Yes, I WAS reading that book, Lindsey! I just finished it AT HOME......

I don't understand life. What is it? What's its purpose? Is it all just a big game? The most successful is the winner? I don't understand.

Life makes me feel so small, like I'm a tiny speck in a huge ocean. I guess I literally am small compared to life. Perhaps even smaller than a speck. Perhaps a tiny flea in a huge forest. This thought is depressing, isn't it? Well, I guess if you're the type of person who gets depressed when they feel small. I guess I'm more overwhelmed. I'm just living life day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and second by second, instead of living it to the fullest. You never really know when your last day is gonna be, do you? Unless you choose. But is that considered the easy way out? Is there really a solution to every one of life's problems? I personally don't think there is. I think you have a choice to everything, but any choices may be negative solutions. And if it's a negative solution, then it's really no solution, is it? But it's all about your perception on things, really. It's up to yourself to decide whether or not something is positive or negative. Something positive for you could be negative for someone else. But the majority agree on one way or another, the cliche, the way the river flows, perhaps the gravitational pull. Can something fall up? Defy gravity? Can you in your decisions? Positive or negative? But when you think about it, falling up really would be positive, wouldn't it? Hmm. Very confusing useless information. Well, I'm babbling, so I'm gonna go . . . goodbye for now . . .

I watched Finding Nemo this morning before I went to school. See, I had time because there was a 2 hour delay. And I watched Pirates of the Carribean last night. Oh fuck!! Johnny Depp is SOOO hot in that movie! The dark makeup...mmyummy!!!!

Anywayz, I got to kinda sleep in..I couldn't really get back to sleep after I'd woken up this morning. I knew last night there would be a delay, but I had to watch the news just to make sure. I wanted to have a snow day, but no. We had one last week. I'm moving back in with my mom. I was over there last night and she came to me and she was crying really bad. She said that she was depressed and everything since me and Rach left the house. I didn't know what to say. I mean, I was kinda in shock because I've never seen her like that before. So I spent the night over there last night. And she already started getting my new room in order. I get the French doors room. Rach will be jealous. We thought she'd taken Finding Nemo when she laft this weekend, but Brent found it in her room. And I get to put my TV in my room...finally! And my VCR. Mom's putting the PS2 in the living room right outside of my room. So yeah. Kinda a lot going on right now.

I gotta work tonight. Tomorrow after I pick up my check I'm going Christmas shopping. I'm gonna see if my mom wants to come with me. And then I have a DECA meeting @ 7:30 tomorrow night. Thursday I have to work and Friday I'm moving all my stuff back home. Wellsies, that's all for now...bye everyone.

the illusion

the illusion erodes my brain

goin 75 in the 65

it's alright . . . everyone else is

the power is mine

my life seems so far away . . . it's a soap opera in my own eyes

playing it's way . . . repeating all the time

it's time for a change

how can i change? what can i do?

i'm lost in the labyrinth

i can't find my way out

the colors run together

swirling inward, picturesque

i love the dream in my mind

can it play out?

can i live it?

my mind wanders

i don't know what to do

i can't focus

help

"My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like it's better than yours damn right it's better than yours i could teach you but i'd have to charge." Why am I always so damn sad? I truly feel like my life is going nowhere right now. I dunno. I never know.

I wish upon a star . . . that I can find it within myself to love myself. Why do I hate myself? I do not know. I think that I need to talk to a psychiatrist..but I don't have the money. I wish that I could have a long, deep conversation with someone. I don't care who. I just need to talk. I think I'd feel a lot better. But I have no one to talk to. :sigh: And this makes me even more sad. Depression is evil. I want it to go away. But it can't just go away. It just keeps coming back again and again to haunt me. Some people say that you have a choice in wwhat your mood is like every day: "When you wake up in the morning, you make the choice, this is going to be a good day or this is going to be a bad day." I don't necessarily believe that, I'm sorry. I want to have a good day every day, but that just doesn't happen. Sometimes the things people say to me get me depressed. They might think it's only teasing, but I take it seriously. And I don't think I need to "lighten up," because I laugh all the time at jokes. But there are some things that I just don't think are funny. I dunno . . .

Miranda told everyone that she's pregnant, so it's okay that I can write it in here now. I've known for a very long time, but I know how to keep my mouth shut, unlike some people, I'm not going to name names, but you know, whatever. So I guess Miranda just wanted to tell everyone. She brought in an ultrasound pic. It's so cute! Anywayz, I'm gonna go to bed now....goodnight.

 

Now I speak out about what happened between the two of us:

We talked all night that night. Well, literally not all night, I guess, but we talked for hours. Well, I guess I did all the talking. You only listened and answered my questions. Why didn’t you talk? The first time we talked forever. But the second time was just the same. But you had something to tell me that I already knew. The second time we talked for hours, you wanted to tell me something oh-so-important. It was a year or more later, but all the same. You wanted to tell me, but you couldn’t. You waited until your phone card ran out then you said, "I have something I want to tell you." I said, "Well, why can’t you email it to me?" You said, "Because it’s something that I want to say." The next day, I talked to you on AIM. You told me that you were in love with me. I told you that I knew. You asked me how I knew, and I told you I thought it was obvious: you always called me honey, sweetie, you flirted with me and you always signed your emails with "I love you." I knew. It was good, for a time. Then things got bad. There is no blame. Both of us let it get bad. It was so far apart, but it still fell apart. I thought it would be different, but it wasn’t so different from so many other "cases". I thought that I was head over heels in love with you, and I thought you felt the same for me. What happened that summer? The summer I was heartbroken, the summer you wouldn’t return my emails. How could the friendship turned relationship that had been good for over 3 years turn out to be bad? I wonder while I sleep at night, sometimes I cry. Is it too late? More than a year later, and I don’t know you anymore? I still love you, I always will, but I think I’ve gotten over you, awhile ago. But I will never forget you. You proved to me that I can open up to people. You proved that you don’t need to now what a person looks like to love them. I loved you for you, the things you shared with me, your life. I’d known you for so long . . . but now you are only a whisper in the dark, a whisper in my ear, the echo of a pin forever ringing in my ears. I love you still.

I'm not feeling much up to writing right now. I wrote a poem, Tears Of The Sun, but I don't have it here with me...sorry.