I just read an excellent journal. But I don’t quite know what to make of it yet.

Anywhosies, happy halloween. I gotta work tonight. Umm. It’s mandatory that we have to dress up for it, so I’m wearing my Wolves shirt and Wolves hat, so…I’m a…Wolves fan. Yahoo. I have a psych test today. Miranda didn’t come to school again. She’s feelin a little sick, plus, her dog died, so yeah. I feel bad for her. And she can’t talk to Ben cuz he’s out of town. She tried talking to Erica, but she only made her feel worse. I guess it was cuz she kept asking questions. I haven’t called my mom yet. I don’t know why not. I think it’s cuz I hate talking to her. It’s always so awkward. I never know what to say. I shouldn’t be that way around my mom. It’s not right. I should have an awesome relationship with my mom. But I don’t. It makes me sad. Will it ever be right? Will I ever be able to talk to my mom without feeling so awkward? Can I ever talk to her..just talk? A lot of times I think no….But what do I know? Someimes I think I’ll always be confused about everything. Sadness always overtakes me. I’m always sad. But I can’t afford help. I don’t have the $30 copay every goddamn week. So I guess I have to suffer, with no professional help.

Is it only my opinion that the fuckin healthcare in this fuckin country fuckin sucks? It seems like only the middle and higher classes get better. Do you know WHY???? Because they gotta be so goddamn expensive. Not everyone can afford those prices. The people who can’t are the ones with either bad insurance plans or none at all. If you’re sick and you don’t have insurance they won’t fuckin take care of you. And it’s 75 fuckin dollars to go to the fuckin ER. I don’t HAVE that kind of money. So I guess I’m just gonna hafta commit suicide because I can’t afford to seek professional help. Isn’t that what they tell you? When you’re depressed and suicidal, like me, “seek professional help.” But I can’t afford it. So you can take it and shove it up you’re goddamn ass.

Apples and Sky

I’m gonna ask my mom if she’ll get premium for me. Lindsey’s paranoid. The Wolves won last night. They got a new scoreboard. It’s awesome. I got some gormet ice cream. It was coffee and I put heath and rieces Pieces in it. (You can add one thing for free, then the any extra ones are $.59 each…you can put anything you want in it.) YYUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

Enough

I’m sad. Gambi killed Whiskers yesterday while I was at work. The poor thing. I feel so bad for Miranda. She couldn’t even come to school today she’s so upset. She loved that dog. I don’t wanna describe what happened right now. Maybe later…………

I didn’t get out of work until 10 last night. I’m so damn tired. But whatever. No new news. How bout you?

I’m in a pit of self-loathing. Why does everything have to be so bad? My mom keeps trying to send me on guilt trips everytime I go there. She wouldn’d let me take my fuckin guitar. That pissed me off. So when Rach goes to get her stuff cuz I’m driving her home, right? So mom starts attacking me again, telling me that it’s me and Rach’s fault that Taylor’s anxiety attacks are worse now that we don’t live there anymore. Then she says that “we had our good moments.” So I say, “Yeah, I can remember them so well cuz they’re so frickin good.” And I left. I didn’t say good bye, didn’t even turn around to wave. But I don’t fuckin care. She’s always such a bitch to me, so I gave her a dose of her own medicine. But I’m such a compassionate and sentimental person that I couldn’t stop thinking about what I’d said. I think I might have actually regretted my words. But what else am I supposed to do? Just be stoic? Yeah, I might have been that way before, but not anymore. I’m not gonna let her give me any more shit. Then when I got back from taking Rach home, she acted like everything was okay, like she always does. So I found it hard to bring up our words, and I couldn’t. So when I left to go home to sleep, she told me to call and not be a stranger. I think she has changed, but I also think she finds it hard to keep that way. Like she slips and says something she doesn’t mean, but she can’t apologize for it because she doesn’t know how. And yet, although she’s changed, I can’t handle it. I can’t handle those slips of hers because I have so many other things on my plate. Like in my head, ya know? And I don’t know how to deal with a lot of it. Like I probably shouldn’t have just walked out on her, but I did. But I can’t help it, cuz I was already upset about something else, and she only made it worse. So I can’t move back there. I would be asking for it because I really can’t handle it. I think I’m already on my way to a breakdown. I cried last night because of everything that’s going on. I didn’t want to, but I did. I hate crying, it’s so awful. My throat closes up and it’s hard to breathe. I can’t see because of my tears.

The Vikings lost yesterday. That was bad. I’m going to a Vikes game on Nov. 23rd. Against the Lions. I’m going to a Wolves game on Wed. this week. But I’m not excited about either of them.

My Soul Hurts

Okay. So, I get my stereo back tomorrow morning. I’m going to the midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show with Meagan tonight. It’s gonna be fun!! Lindsey, are you gonna come?  I’m excited to get my stereo back, even though I never have time to just sit around and listen to music.  But hey, whatever!! I’m a working woman, so whateva!! Last night at work, it was bad. For no reason at all, I just got depressed. I haven’t done that in a looooong time, just get depressed for no reason whatsoever. Then, it got worse. I wouldn’t talk to anybody. I think Tabitha kept trying to get me to laugh, but it didn’t work. I think Dorothy was wondering what was wrong with me. She always tells me that I never get mad, but last night, I got pissed cuz the damn dishwasher wouldn’t start. And I know that when I shut it 3 more times, on the third time, it’ll start. So I slammed it down 3 times. I think she was surprised. Then, it got even worse. When I left, I felt like crying. For no reason. My throat closed up and everything. I had tears. Then when I started driving, I felt a little better. But I wanted to get in a crash. I honest to god did. I drove as I normally do, but I was hoping a deer would run out in front of me. I didn’t watch the sides of the road, like I should. I just drove. And I found that when you don’t pay attention to your speed, you’re actually better at keeping a constant speed. So, enough about me, how’re you?

Lindsey doesn’t like my car.