So why don't I feel good about it?
Most people here know my history. I was molested when I was little. I've never said anything vocally about it, really. A few close family members know, and pretty much none of my IRL friends. A couple of them know. I've never talked about it in detail.
For cultural anthropology, we all had to give a 10 minute presentation on a social case study. Today, one of my classmates did a presentation on rape in the military. I think we all know how big of a problem this is. It happens frequently, and it's not taken seriously when it's reported. The victims are told that they are lying, and then they are treated horribly by everyone in their unit for reporting it.
Obviously, this bothered me. I am not impartial to this problem. I got more and more agitated. Finally, I raised my hand, and said something like this: "When someone is raped, it takes something away from them. Something you can barely describe with words. That's awful enough, and then to be treated this way, told they're liars, I can't even imagine." I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was something like that. Then I said, "I don't even know what I would do if no one believed me."
That...sentence was very powerful for me to say. It didn't say much in and of itself, but it infers an awful lot, especially if you were watching my facial expressions and body language. I just felt like, these people don't have a voice, it's not heard. They're screaming, and no one is listening. I can say something, I have to, for them.
With that one sentence, I told people face to face...that I am a victim of sexual assault. Kind of a big deal in my world. "Speak the truth even if your voice shakes." That's hard, oh so hard.
I don't want to be alone right now. I wish someone was here to cuddle with me, and tell me that everything is going to be okay, that I did a good thing...but my internet friends can't cuddle with me. I felt anxiety when I woke up from my nap. It was a bad attack, and I've been crying because I feel so alone. What can people say? I just wish someone was here to hold me.
Comments (19)
It drives me crazy to know that there are superiors out there that just shake this stuff off as if it isn't a big deal... and I honestly can't understand why. Congrats on stepping up :)
:( I know exactly how you feel. I get that same feeling when someone talks about rape like that. If I could, I'd give you the biggest hug right now. This is all I can give you right now *HUGE HUGS* <3
If I would let myself shed tears, I would. I am proud of you. I wish I had your courage. Maybe one day I will be able to talk about my rape to friends that I have who haven't been raped, or outside of a survivor's group. Being called a liar hurts...being told you deserved it hurts more...being told that you should get over it, forgive him, and just date him because he
lovesyou is murder on your soul.
I wish I could be there with you. We could cry together or watch really bad movies until we are crying because we are laughing.
you did do a great thing. words over the internet may mean less than those in person, but it is true. wish i could give you a hug. you are inspiring.
Hugs!! You are an inspiration and you did do the right thing.
Perhaps you just need to tell your real life friends what you just said in this post and maybe one of them would hug you.
I've been there too. I let it ruin my life, but now I am giving God control of my life. Its good to talk about it because you cant let it eat you up. I didn't talk about it and it made me bitter. Now God is allowing me to talk about it, and not be bitter anymore. I will say my prayers and add you to what I pray for.
My eyes are tearing up, reading this. It is so hard to tell people. As a fellow survivor, I'm so proud of you. That is such a big step. -super internet hugs-
<3 so proud of you and your strength. you are strong and have such great power, which you demonstrated right there in class and right now by expressing yourself. and you're not alone, we're here for support *hugz*
I posted this haiku on my site today. I hope it speaks to you because I think it is an endorsement of what you did.
Low ProfileUnless the wren sings
No one will notice rustling
Leaves forming a nest
The top two things that helped me overcome my rape, and it was a date rape that I reported but the D.A. did not prosecute because when they questioned the guy who did it, he said it was consensual and I suspect it also had to do with the fact the he was a high profile trauma surgeon. Anyway, the two things that helped me start to open up and become less hurt and hidden about it were to call a rape crisis line and find a massage therapist.
Why those things? One, the rape crisis line helped me just generally, but also I could talk to someone about it without seeing their face and that was one of the harder things at first for me: I was afraid of how people would look at me. The people who answer those calls are so caring. They really are, one of them even went with me to file my police report because I didn't want to do it alone. She met me at the police department and we walked in together, she was there for me to hold her hand or give a hug if I needed or wanted it. They care that much, and if they didn't, they wouldn't volunteer their time.
Two, the massage therapist. There is power in touch. I really believe that. Even if I was handling things ok on the outside (or so I thought) as soon as I walked in to the therapist's office, she said, "wow, something is making you hold your shoulders as earrings." My body betrayed me. I had a knot the size of a golfball under one of my shoulder blades and the other was so stiff, locked in a protective position, that it took almost a month of weekly sessions for her to get it to loosen up at all. And during those sessions? I just cried. She didn't ask, she just let me get my obvious hurt out. During the second session I told her, and she cried, too. She said she suspected it was something like that based on my frozen posture and emotional response to touch. Eventually, it was like I could breathe again. I was free again. I had confidence again. And then I could tell people.
You don't have to force yourself to open up, you've already been forced. It's time for gentleness and nurturing. That is why I recommend a massage therapist. It is a gift only for you. You are not alone. Not hardly. You can message me if you want, I can help guide you or just listen. Let me know, because I do care, even if I don't know you.
Way to go. I totally applaud your bravery and honesty.
Told the way you relate it here, it may have sounded like a hypothetical situation to your classmates, which may explain why you might not have gotten more appropriate responses. I hope that makes sense.
Anyway, your courage will help prevent an atrocity from happening to somebody else. This stuff has been going on and been kept secret for way too long!
It must've been a massive step forward for you to say that out loud to so many people; I'm proud of you. It'll only get easier from this point on.